I don't know what I'm going to write about today, but since it's Leap Day, the title was only fitting.
Lately, I've been struggling with feeling fatigued and unmotivated. I have little energy to get anything done around the house and have been feeling like I'm just going through the emotions. My relationship with God has had its ups and downs, but that's been the one thing helping me stay afloat.
I don't know what I would've done without Tim. He's been my rock during my winter blues, if that's what you want to call it. He helps with dishes and has made dinner a little more often. He makes sure the kids have their lunches made at night and has overall been taking charge while I've been stuck on the couch. Seriously, the thought of leaving the couch to try and accomplish something gave me so much anxiety, that it was almost better to just stay there even though the though of not getting anything done made me feel like a bad wife and mom.
Anyway, I was at a point last week where it actually scared me. I was feeling so low and so alone that I started having dark thoughts about my life. In my head, I wasn't important to anyone. I was insignificant. No one called me when I desperately needed someone to just be there. But how were they supposed to know? I didn't have the courage or the strength to call or text anyone. Finally, I willed myself to go on our stationary bike and I biked the numbness away. I was still feeling super emotional and wanted to cry, but somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to get dressed and head over to church to work on some Sunday school projects. And... it was 1pm when I finally left the house. Ouch! It made me cringe to realize that I had the whole morning to get stuff done and I accomplished nothing. That made me want to cry all over again.
By the time Tim got home, I was a wreck. I grabbed him right away and made him hold me while I cried. At least I was starting to feel again -- anger, sadness, frustration. I cried it all out and then the cloud slowly lifted enough for me to smile and dig myself out of the pit I was in.
After searching for possible solutions for my problem and talking with other friends, I decided that it'd be best for me to try taking Vitamin D to see if that helped with my mood. I wasn't sure if it was just hormonal issues or low iron or lack of exercise or if my body really needed sunshine. I was overwhelmed with where to even start, but finally decided that Vitamin D was a good place to begin. While it might not solve everything and I've only taken it twice now, I feel like it's made a HUGE difference in how I feel. I actually felt accomplished and appreciated. I have been able to encourage others and be encouraged by them.
We'll see how this Vitamin D thing goes, but right now, it looks like I'm on the right track. Praise God!
