Procrastinating...and a job opportunity

I feel like I've fallen behind on so many things. I keep telling myself that I'll just do it tomorrow or I'll wait until things slow down. My latest thought was that I would have some extra time once the kids were in school. Caleb would be gone all day and Sonya would have class 3 days a week for a few hours in the morning. Perfect! Time to myself! Time to do some deep cleaning and organizing the house, right?

WRONG!

I ended up helping in Sonya's class since they hadn't found a teacher's assistant yet. At the end of the school year, the previous assistant had resigned to take on a different job. So I thought to myself.... maybe that could be a great part-time job for me. But! It won't work because I don't want to send Sonya to daycare on the days that she doesn't have school. I still want to be a stay-at-home mommy with her.

Throughout the summer, I felt God working on my heart. "Michelle, this is something you should think about."

I still was hoping someone else would just take the job so it wouldn't taunt me.

The few weeks leading up to school starting, they still hadn't found a teacher's assistant. So I decided that I would help in the classroom until someone filled the position. The first couple of days were great. I really felt like I was where I needed to be and I somehow had extra energy when I first got home to do a little bit of cleaning before I crashed. But I wasn't ready to commit to doing it every day.

Still... no teacher's assistant. Still... I didn't want to work on Sonya's days off.

Then, out of the blue, the teacher asked if I would be interested in applying for 3 days a week, to work solely on the days that Sonya had class. I still wasn't 100% convinced, but said I would think and pray about it.

I kept seeing God's hand orchestrating all of this. While, I'm probably going to miss those hours I would've had all to myself, I've decided that these kids need me more and as a bonus, I get to see my Sonya more often. :-)

Application in. Interview officially next week. I'm excited to see what God has in store -- hopefully an ABUNDANCE of patience! (and maybe the cleaning elves will come out of the wood works while I'm gone... wishful thinking. lol)

Just writing and rambling...

A few months ago, I bought myself a new journal. It seems to have replaced the time that I spend writing here on my blog. 

In my journal, I can actually write about stuff without having to feel self conscience that someone might not agree with me. I can also write freely about specific prayer requests and thoughts about people without breaking the trust of friends. Writing in my journal is my favorite way to talk to God. I feel like I'm more in tune with what God wants of me and how He wants to use me. 

It's also been amazing to look back on some of my prayers and just see how God is answering them.

Sorry this is short, but figured I'd at least share why I'm not on here as much. For our family blog... well, that's a different story. I just got behind on that one. I'm not sure if I'll try and catch up or just leave it as is. I had kind of started to steer away from writing stories and just posting pictures with captions anyway. So it was kind of like Facebook, but nicer. 

Rabbit trail .... I've considered leaving Facebook all together, but it's sometimes the one way that I feel connected to other people when I'm at home all day with the kids. Plus, some friends only do event invites via Facebook and I feel like I'd be missing out on those as well. 

I have been cutting back though on whose information shows up in my news feed though -- Some people were just outright inappropriate, some came across as pushy, some people posted five million times a day, some used Facebook as a platform to make themselves look good, others bashed their friends or spouses on a regular basis, while there is also political articles, articles on food, cancer, exercise, parenting, blah blah blah...  It just gets to be overwhelming and is enough to make one feel quite inadequate at times. So while I love Facebook to stay in touch, I'm realizing that sometimes I just have to let go of people too... and it's going to be ok. 

Guess that was longer that I intended. lol. Thanks for bearing with my random thought process.

No wonder we're lonely

I struggle so much with technology. It's supposed to help us stay better connected, right? I think in some ways, technology serves that purpose. But, there are just so many forms of communication out there right now that I feel like that even though communication is more frequent, the content is so surface-based. Relationships are becoming more hollow and less genuine.

I almost never know the best way to contact someone because there are so many forms of communication.

One friend prefers texting

Another prefers hearing my beautiful voice on the phone

Others are easier to contact via Facebook posts or private messages

Then there's email - (Which email address should I send it to?)

Maybe I should send them an instant message through gmail, yahoo, AOL, hotmail, etc..

Oh yeah... they have a blog too!

It's like I'm being stretched across all forms of communication just so I can stay in touch with people. Instead of making me feel more connected, I'm feeling disconnected. No wonder I feel lonely despite communication being at my fingertips.

I yearn for real relationships -- ones that aren't hidden behind the faces of technology. Thankful that God sustains me through the few friendships that I have. I just need to stop dwelling on the other relationships that haven't come to fruition.

Peace and Contentment

People have been praying for me. I can tell. God has given me an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment right now. I don't feel worried about the things that had me feeling anxious before.

On a normal day, I'm a chronic worrier and I want to solve the world's problems. I worry about my family and my friends thinking that if I worry enough for them, they won't have to. I guess I try to take it all on myself instead of letting God just take it all instead. But when I do that, I'm doing no one a favor and I'm definitely not trusting the Lord when I should be.

Leading up to this past weekend, I wanted to really be a blessing to Tim's family as they are going through some trials right now. Mostly, I just wanted to bring a meal and some other goodies so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking as much. I was trying to be strong for them even though I was also feeling sad about the situation. Instead of dealing with my feelings though, I just hid them behind a smile and laughter. I attempted to be upbeat and positive. While it was probably what they all needed, it was exhausting in some respects.

Yesterday though, at a time when I most needed it, I felt at peace about it all. God was in control again and all was well in the world. Well, I should say that the trials are still there with Tim's family. I'm just realizing again how our time on earth is but a wave tossed in the ocean. So the weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders, it's on the shoulders of my heavenly Father.

To my friends - thank you so much for your prayers.

Feeling Distant...

I've been feeling anti-social and also feeling distant from God lately. I'm sure the two are related.

There's an anger just burning in my heart, weighing me down. It stems from the anger I feel at the world and all of its materialistic ways. It stems from the injustice I see around me. It stems from having to stay put when I want to know the answers and I want to just fly.

This anger is consuming me, yet it comes and goes. My fuse is so short as my kids and husband can readily agree. I hate how I feel after yelling. I just hate feeling like this in general. I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. And I'm certainly not acting like a child of God.

What do I do next? I'm not sure. I try to pray the best I can, but God continues to get my leftovers. I honestly just don't want to make time for Him right now. My head keeps playing games with me while my heart yearns to reconnect with my Abba. I know I need to find Him again and I know I don't even have to look that far. He's right there.

Why do I doubt? Why do I let the ways of the world get the better of me and let this anger creep into my heart? I'm supposed to be a Christian. I'm supposed to know that God has it all under control. He has a plan for all of this. The waiting makes me weary though.

Sometimes, I try to describe these thoughts out loud to other people, but I wonder if they truly understand. It's so hard to pour out my heart. It's hard to just be vulnerable. So here I am... just laying it all out there on the table. This is me right now. Real and raw.

Life: A Balancing Act

January is almost over. I can hardly believe it!

The other day, I was reading a book to prepare for a Bible study that I'm in. The author mentioned that she had two jars -- one was filled with rocks and the other 3/4 filled with sand. The rocks represented her time with the Lord and the sand was all the things she had to do during the day. If you put the sand in the jar first, you have a hard time getting all the rocks to fit, but if you put the rocks in first, the sand fits into all those crevices around the rocks without overflowing out of the jar.

This was a great visual for how we can balance our lives. If we neglect to spend time with Jesus as our top priority, we'll have a hard time fitting Him into our lives. On the other hand, if we put Him first, He'll give us what we need to get all those other things done in addition to spending time with Him. 

It's like the story of Martha and Mary from Luke 10:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I can truly relate to Martha. I always want to make sure everything is done. "First, I'll do the laundry and then I'll be able to have more time to study God's Word." But, the reality is that the more things I end up doing, the more I see that needs to be done before I have that extra time. By the end of the day, I realize I haven't even talked to God much outside of a quick prayer for patience so I can get through my day. Sometimes, when I do have a moment, I see myself going back and forth on whether I should read my latest Christian fiction or should I sit down with my Bible. The latter usually ends up staying on my bookshelf. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I still struggle with that. Thank goodness for God's grace, right?

So I really want to strive to be more like Mary. I don't want to miss out on what God has in store for me today. I want to hear His words of love and encouragement. I want to feel that wonderful joy as I'm doing my daily tasks. I don't want to feel burdened by all the work I need to do during the day. 

In the end, I know that both roles are good to have, but there's beautiful about being able to balance our work and daily lives along with sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to Him.