1) My employer doesn't want me to leave because I'm a valuable employee to the company so they're trying to work out a way so I can work from home and maybe even parttime. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It would be kind of hard to try and juggle the kids around with work since Caleb starts 4K in the fall; just mornings 4 days a week. So I'd have to figure out a way to do daycare because the kids couldn't be at home while I'm working and then shuffle Caleb to school too. Even though there are lots of days where I don't like going to work, I really do like the people I work with and I have lots of things I'd still like to do at the bank before I leave. Our new supervisor is really doing a great job to make people feel like their work is really contributing to the company and that she will work to help get them any deserved promotions. (I won't lie, I've had opportunities to move up before... just chose not to pursue them because the hours didn't fit well with my family... and if you know me, my family comes first (well right after God). :-)
2) A good friend might be moving away.... hoping it doesn't happen, but not sure how to prepare myself for it. I feel for her and her family. A job opportunity is within their reach... yet they had just started growing their roots here and settling down. Praying that God makes it clear where He wants them to be. I guess I was secretly hoping we'd live near each other for a long time... become old ladies and eventually grandmas together.
3) I feel like a lazy bum who hasn't been exercising much lately. I don't even feel motivated to get anything done. So jealous of my friends that make time to work out every week. *sigh* I know I don't really have any weight to lose, but I'm not as fit and healthy like I should be. And yes, I have love handles just like any other woman out there. One of these days, I'm going to get my energy back.... maybe once I quit my job? (which goes back to the question of whether or not I should even figure out a way to stay at my job or not)
4) I missed the sun during the past few gray and gloomy days. Maybe that's why there's still a gray cloud over my head. I'm just one of those people that needs sunshine... and LOTS of it. I need to get an attitude adjustment or something so that I can get out of my slump. I'm kind of a crabby person to be around at home. Not very fun. :-(
That's all for now.... I'm not even sure what I'm really thinking anymore. Too many thoughts in my head....
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Who is in control?
Yesterday, I took a stress survey that is available through my work's insurance. I realized that even though I'm relatively calm about things, I bottle up a lot of stress and emotion. I worry about a LOT! All of my little worries and insecurities just build up until I wear myself down physically.
You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.
Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.
Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.
If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.
A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.
Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.
You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.
Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.
Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.
If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.
A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.
Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Grace Like Rain
Over the weekend, I created a new blog, "Grace Like Rain" where I plan to continue my personal story. I already moved the previous entries from "Like a Sunflower" to there so it all flows together easier. Since it's starting to get closer to the part of my life that is a lot more private, I've decided to make that blog invite only. Don't worry, there's not a new post out yet for it. I haven't had much time to really think the next one through, but have lots of notes and little disconnected paragraphs started. So once things are up and running, I'll set up the invites. If you're interested in continuing to read about my journey, let me know so I can add your email to the list. (I'll still post entries like normal in "Like a Sunflower," but save the most personal bits for the new blog.)
I chose "Grace Like Rain" as a title because God's grace has covered me so many times especially when I've gone down the wrong paths. I'm a sinner just like anyone else out there. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I hold these deep dark secrets that I'm just bursting to tell the world, but am afraid that people will think of me differently. Maybe the secrets aren't as "dark" as I might think they are, but I feel that by sharing more about myself, you'll understand me a little more. Here's to "The Journey ..."
Thanks to all of you that have been reading thus far!
I chose "Grace Like Rain" as a title because God's grace has covered me so many times especially when I've gone down the wrong paths. I'm a sinner just like anyone else out there. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I hold these deep dark secrets that I'm just bursting to tell the world, but am afraid that people will think of me differently. Maybe the secrets aren't as "dark" as I might think they are, but I feel that by sharing more about myself, you'll understand me a little more. Here's to "The Journey ..."
Thanks to all of you that have been reading thus far!
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