Since the internet is not currently working, I’ve opened up
a page in Microsoft Word to just type in for now. I haven’t written just to
write in a long time. I’ve missed pouring out my heart and soul onto a page
(albeit an electronic page).
Writing is a balm to my soul. All my feelings somehow get
stuck inside me and I just never process them the way that I should. It’s not
that I’m unfeeling. It’s that I feel too much that I don’t even know where to
start. I sometimes start to desensitize myself as a way to protect myself.
Instead, I’m left with feelings that are just sitting in a large bin like
laundry waiting to be sorted.
My heart hurts for so many people and I want to solve all
their problems. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of wisdom when
it comes to finding solutions to problems. I’m not, however, good at remember
sources and all the nitty gritty details. One friend is waiting to hear whether
or not they can adopt a little girl that they’ve specifically fallen in love with.
Another friend is struggling with parenting an adopted older child. Someone
else is dealing with financial issues as they try to ensure their spouse is
getting the care they need after a stroke. A friend has health issues
exasperated by a pregnancy. Another friend has other health issues and has
struggled with infertility. Another friend waits for her husband to come back
to the Lord.
Then here I am, worrying about all those things while trying
to juggle all of things in my life. I’m in a comfortable spot right now and
feel guilty that these friends have to go through tough times. I know that some
day, I’ll have similar struggles, yet I wonder why. Why do they have to be
hurting while I’m doing ok? How can I help without feeling emotionally taxed? I
have my own problems… mostly just anxiety. But anxiety seems like such a putzy
small problem compared to possibly having to sell a house to make sure the
bills are all paid. It seems so small compared to refugees fleeing their
homeland only to feel unwelcome in the countries that they wish to enter.
The love of Jesus is not being shown by our country. We are
so caught up in ourselves that we are blinded and can’t see our neighbors and
what they need. Again, how can I help? I
want to… but I also need to take care of my emotional and mental health.
What else is there? So many things that I can’t even
remember at this hour. Hoping this helps relieve some of the tension that has
been building up. I just love Jesus and want to be a light. I want the people
on my list to know who Jesus is. Lord, show me the way to best love them and
teach them.
Amen.
