The ebb & flow of Anxiety

It's been about a year since I finally gave in and went to see a counselor about my anxiety. I haven't seen her since May, but am thinking about returning again.

This time of year seems to be the worst for my anxiety. I feel like I start having everything under control and can handle adding one or two more things. Then my brain starts wigging out and telling me that it's too much and the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and anxious begins again. The more I think about it lurking in the darkness, the more it creeps out.

Don't get me wrong -- for most of the year, I've been able to manage my anxiety really well. It's just that it comes out of nowhere and surprises me when I least expect it and usually when I don't have time to deal with it and have deadlines for my few extra things.

As we start nearing Thanksgiving and Christmas, I tend to overthink all the details and want to make sure I have everything figured out in advance. There are family get togethers, cleaning the house and finding the perfect gifts for the names we've picked. Then throw in Christmas parties, school & church programs, and Christmas baking. Oh.. and I have a part time job. I love it most days, but it can be a bit stressful when I need to get purchases done by "yesterday."

I just need to focus on what I can do today instead of jumping ahead. I need to take some deep breaths and remind myself of who I am, what I'm capable of, and that God is in control even when I feel out of control.

So life goes on. The cycle of anxiety ebbs and flows. I keep learning more about myself and what I need to stay on top of my mental health. Sometimes a visit to the counselor is just like a tune up for a car or a wellness visit to my primary care physician. Now, I just have to work up the courage to make that call.....

Ahh!! And it's back...

Sometimes anxiety creeps up on me slowly and I don't even realize it's there... until I can't breathe and I feel overwhelmed. I've lost control... again.

Anxiety is kind of like that pair of comfortable jeans that I love, but probably shouldn't wear anymore. You know... that pair that is starting to get threadbare in all the wrong places. Even though they're so old and worn out, you can't help but feeling like you're wearing a friend. (Somehow, no matter how many other pairs of pants wind up in your drawer, this pair just calls your name, begging to be worn). Anxiety is very similar for me. I start feeling those feelings, but I feel like it's not bad and I still have everything under control. It slowly gets worse until it seems like it's just always been there, like a reliable friend.

Then I start feeling trapped in a web of nothingness. I can't process feelings (or maybe I just don't allow myself too). I'm afraid of feeling hurt so I close myself off to anything that could make me feel that way. Again, choosing to not feel is like that pair of jeans, it becomes comfortable. All those simple, everyday types of decisions feel monumental. I just shut down and have found myself telling Tim more often than not that he just needs to take over making some of those decisions because I can't. I physically can't. My brain just stalls and I can't process potential solutions/answers.

I have found myself not wanting to invite people over because the thought of them declining escalates in my mind to rejection. I know they aren't really rejecting me... if I'm thinking rationally. But, when you're working with an anxious mind, your thoughts go into fight or flight mode and you end up wanting to just run away and hide OR you start getting a little defensive and think that the world is against you. It's silly and doesn't make sense, but that's just how the brain works sometimes. It forgoes reason and rational thinking. So yeah, my brain goes there and somehow twists my thoughts into negative things. That's when I start feeling out of control.

I'm also having a hard time figuring out dinner because I normally cook based on what I'm in the mood for. However, when I'm feeling listless and lifeless, I'm not super hungry and very few things sound appealing. Today though, I did force myself to leave the house and get a few groceries with my daughter. Just going on a short outing like that wore me out, but it was a step in the right direction. I'm learning that I need to force myself to get groceries and run errands so that I don't end up just letting Tim take over those responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, Tim is super helpful and always willing to do whatever is needed. I love him for that. But... sometimes his helpfulness can become a crutch for me, allowing me to sit on the couch and wallow in my feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. So I need to make sure that I'm doing my part of being a wife and mother.

Today, I was thankful for Pastor Nate's sermon. By holding onto these feelings of anxiety and loneliness and staying in my little bubble of protection, it's my way of trying to stay in control of my life. Reality check: I am failing on my own. I'm not God, but I have been trying to take His place.... again. Ugh... so hard to hand over the reigns of control.

God -- I surrender it all to you. This is no surprise. You know that I struggle with wanting to feel in control. It's taken different shapes throughout my life, but that desire to have things done just right and to plan things way ahead are hard to just bury completely. Thank goodness for your grace and patience with me. You are God and I am not. Take my life and let it be ALL for you.

Almost a year ago.... and fast forward to now

Almost a year ago, I started researching counselors and checking with my insurance company to see what kind of coverage we had.

Almost a year ago, I was seriously struggling to stay afloat. My heart felt like it was racing on a regular basis. The thought of making decisions, no matter how small, was like asking me to climb Mt. Everest or swim across the Atlantic Ocean. I was so overwhelmed with everything and didn't know what else to do. 

I was at a point where I felt alone, like no one else even knew how to help me and I was tired of just going through the motions of being a wife, mother, and friend. My relationship with God was barely hanging on by a thread and I was just living for my very depressed and anxious self. I didn't even want to leave my house (or my couch). The house was turning into a pig sty (at least in my eyes) and Tim did pretty much all of our grocery shopping and errands since the thought of driving anywhere made me feel anxious and exhausted. How could I live for Jesus when I could barely live for myself?

Then, I found some courage to make an appointment with *Betty. I was cautiously optimistic. It was a step in the right direction, but I was still unsure that she would really help me.

Fast forward to today ---- and I feel like a different person. Colors seem brighter, I laugh a lot more, and life feels more joyful. I feel a lot more comfortable leaving my house and taking on new challenges. I even took on a new job and am planning a ladies event at church. I'm alive again! 

These changes didn't happen overnight though. It took a bit of work on my part. There was homework and practicing techniques to combat anxiety. I learned how to think and act differently in awkward or difficult situations. I became more mindful of my feelings and expressing them vs. just stuffing and avoiding them. I'm also more aware of what my limits are and I don't feel as guilty saying "no" when I need to.

There are still moments of high anxiety in my life. I've had to stop more than a few times to do some deep breathing and/or find a quiet place to be alone for a little while. But I'm no longer feeling like I'm constantly stressed out or in fight/flight mode. I have my life back. Praise Jesus!

Just breathe

I stopped writing for a while...

Whenever I fail to write, those are the times that I start to flounder. I begin to drown in my own thoughts, becoming paralyzed by life. A huge weight settles on my chest like an anchor, trying to keep me stuck from moving forward. Decisions become overwhelming and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water.

I tend to overthink things sometimes and then I try to grab at those strands of control. I just want to be in control of things. That's when the lies start. I hear the quiet voices of the Enemy whispering -- "Michelle, you're not good enough." "This is too much." "Just give up before you start." "You can't do this." "You're not going to make the best decision(s)." "You're going to fail!" "You're going to screw up!"

So that weight slowly creeps up on me, weighing me down. It begins to feel comfortable. It's my crutch that I can lean on when I don't want to do something. It's an excuse that I give. The reality is that once anxiety creeps in, it's a battle to overcome it each and every time. Even though my crutch and excuses are legitimate, I still feel like they're a cop out. Or maybe they're just a cry for help while I'm stumbling in the darkness. I just want a life preserver thrown my way, someone to ask how I'm doing.

It's so easy to hide behind the smiles. It's so easy for the darkness to take over without me or anyone else noticing. I don't even know what I'm anxious about. It doesn't seem rational -- it almost never does.

Breathe! Take that deep breath in and hold it...
Then slowly let it out...

Perspective is within my reach.

So I just keep breathing and whispering words to counter the attacks --
"I AM good enough!" "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me." "Keep on going, just a little bit at a time." "Michelle, you can do this!" "You've made lots of wise decisions." "You are doing your best, that's not failure." "It's ok to ask for help."