Just breathe

I stopped writing for a while...

Whenever I fail to write, those are the times that I start to flounder. I begin to drown in my own thoughts, becoming paralyzed by life. A huge weight settles on my chest like an anchor, trying to keep me stuck from moving forward. Decisions become overwhelming and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water.

I tend to overthink things sometimes and then I try to grab at those strands of control. I just want to be in control of things. That's when the lies start. I hear the quiet voices of the Enemy whispering -- "Michelle, you're not good enough." "This is too much." "Just give up before you start." "You can't do this." "You're not going to make the best decision(s)." "You're going to fail!" "You're going to screw up!"

So that weight slowly creeps up on me, weighing me down. It begins to feel comfortable. It's my crutch that I can lean on when I don't want to do something. It's an excuse that I give. The reality is that once anxiety creeps in, it's a battle to overcome it each and every time. Even though my crutch and excuses are legitimate, I still feel like they're a cop out. Or maybe they're just a cry for help while I'm stumbling in the darkness. I just want a life preserver thrown my way, someone to ask how I'm doing.

It's so easy to hide behind the smiles. It's so easy for the darkness to take over without me or anyone else noticing. I don't even know what I'm anxious about. It doesn't seem rational -- it almost never does.

Breathe! Take that deep breath in and hold it...
Then slowly let it out...

Perspective is within my reach.

So I just keep breathing and whispering words to counter the attacks --
"I AM good enough!" "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me." "Keep on going, just a little bit at a time." "Michelle, you can do this!" "You've made lots of wise decisions." "You are doing your best, that's not failure." "It's ok to ask for help."