God's grace

For the past two weeks, I've been really trying to get in a quiet time with God in the morning. It's tough though. Either I'm so exhausted from getting up a few times with Sonya in the morning or I just plain old don't want to get out of bed. God does have a pretty great sense of humor though. I had vowed to get up at 6am for my QT's (normally my alarm goes off at 7am). So Sonya woke me up two days in a row since I didn't get up on my own or set my alarm to go off earlier. Another day, my Bible actually fell off my nightstand and woke me up. I decided that those were the kicks in the butt that I needed to feel motivated.

When I opened my Bible, I didn't know where to start. I had tried doing chronological reading before, but after a month, I gave up. It was my goal to read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover, in one year. This time, I decided on baby steps and chose to study Romans. I vaguely remember a friend telling me that that was one of their favorite books in the Bible. Now I can see why! I'm falling in love with it as I am learning more about righteousness and sin. Each day, I actually look forward to spending more time in the Word and just feeling more thankful and in awe of our God.

Since I don't have much time, I'll leave you to with a quote from Romans:

"But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life." 

(Romans 6:22 NIV)

Writing... and the list goes on

Writing is something I've always been passionate about, even though the words don't always come out as eloquently as they did in my head. You'll laugh, but I'm constantly thinking of short sentences, phrases, or even paragraphs that I could write. Alas! As soon as I find a moment or two to finally type out those words, they seem to disappear into thin air. If only there were more minutes during the day or rather while both kids are sleeping and my husband is at work...haha. Imagine all the beautiful things I could write! ... or the things I could get done around the house! The list of "things" grows longer as I'm typing this.. one-handed... while the baby is finally cuddled asleep in my arms. I'm not ready to put her in her crib yet. She's so peaceful. I could watch her for hours.

[Darn! My arm got numb so I put her to bed... and of course she woke up. I'm hoping she falls right back to sleep.]

Anyway, one of these days I'd love to write something special and meaningful that could be published -- maybe an autobiography or a children's book or poetry. Until that time comes, I'll keep working on my other list of things to do..... cleaning out the storage closet, weeding out any unused items, getting some of my photos printed (including figuring out how many Christmas cards/designs I want to do), the endless baskets of laundry and sinks full of dishes, the bathroom that is slowly being overtaken by men (my son and husband), the playdates, toys on the floor, vacuuming, and much more. Of course, that's only the beginning..... and then it starts all over again. :-)

Well, I suppose I will have to let you all go for now. It's been refreshing to just type and not have a specific topic to write about. I should probably go get a few of those items on my list done though. Hope you have a great day!
-Michelle

Ode to Freecycle

About a month ago, I signed up for the Ozaukee County Freecycle group with my Yahoo! account. I had heard about it through friends and finally had some time to become a member of the group so I could check it out. If you're not familiar with Freecycle, it's kind of like Craigslist, except that all the items are free. It's like this great big swap of free stuff. I haven't posted anything of mine on there yet, but have acquired some boy clothes for Caleb and a nice baby highchair for my parents to use when we visit them. I enjoy watching the different posts to see what treasures are out there that people would normally have just tossed into a landfill. What a great way to reduce, reuse, and recycle!

A moment to reflect....

I haven't been as good about posting lately. Usually I try to at least upload a picture and write a short "caption" about it. *sigh* For some reason, I've just been having more down days. Of course, Tim has been wonderful. He doesn't fully understand how or why I'm feeling the way I do, but he's accepted it and just offers to help with dinner and even let me take a nice hot bath the other night.

The past few nights, I've gone to Moments for Moms and then had a meeting with all the women interested in being mentors and mareas (the ones wanting to be mentored) at church while Tim watched the kids for me.


Moments for Moms was good. We talked about forgiveness and one of the women mentioned a story where she was really holding onto a woman's reaction/comment to the point that it became an unintentional idol. She let it consume her thoughts rather than letting go and having God work through her and believe His Truth. It was an eye-opener for me. I realized that I have lots of little "grudges" that keep coming back to me and I never fully let them go. I prayed when I got home and God just gave me peace about a few feelings that I had been harboring and gave me strength so that when I do see certain people again, I won't be afraid to bring up the topics that caused a rift in the first place.

The mentoring meeting also went well. I was able to chat with some of the younger women and get to know them better. We also did a speed dating game to sort of interview the ladies that were hoping to mentor us. It was such a blessing to meet such wonderful women! I felt that I was able to connect with almost all of them and it was really hard to write down three names of potential mentors that I wanted to be paired up with. I'm really looking forward to having a more experienced woman walking alongside me with my journey as a mother, a wife, and child of God. I just need someone to challenge me to spend more time in the Word and help me grow as a person. Hopefully I can bless that other woman just as much as she blesses me.

Another thing that we're working on at home is starting some family worship time. This is outside of going to church and just casual talk about God or even bedtime prayers. It's supposed to be a time to teach our children about our faith and take time to share with each other. Tim is an amazing man of God and this gives him an opportunity to continue growing into the spiritual leader that God intends him to be. The 'Love & Respect' study that we're doing with a few other couples at church only brings us closer together. I'm learning to encourage Tim even when I would probably do things a little differently. I didn't realize that by trying to be helpful by showing him the way I like things done, I was coming off more as criticizing and ultimately disrespectful. Then of course his reactions came off as unloving to me... and we started the Crazy Cycle! lol... It's so nice to recognize some of the signs and how to love and respect each other better.

On a happy note, I'm on my way to feeling more spiritually fulfilled. One of my chats last night, I was asked how being a stay-at-home mom was going. Somehow, I had a revelation and it hit me that the reason I was feeling so down lately was because I started an internal crazy cycle. I wasn't getting as much done around the house and was spending less quality time with the kids. There was too much to do that I couldn't wrap my head around it so I just vegged out and read a book instead or watched movies with the kids. This in turn made me feel lazy and unmotivated to get the growing list of things done. Once I made a list of what needed to get done, my thoughts were more organized and I resolved to tackle each thing one at a time. It was so rewarding to cross those things off my list. :-)

Wow, this post is getting long! I do have one more happy thing to report. My best friend from college finally got engaged and she asked me to be a bridesmaid! I'm so excited for her and honored to be in her wedding. I was a little nervous since I know there are going to be a few more expenses in the check book than we were anticipating and we'll have to figure out how to manage the kids during the wedding and traveling... etc. But, our God is an awesome God and he'll take care of all the details!

That's all for now. Don't forget to read Grace Like Rain if you haven't been keeping up to date on those posts. Thanks for reading! I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so many friends. Love you all!!!

Far From Perfect

When I was younger, I was a lot more active and was in the best shape of my life. Now, after having two kids, I'm still getting comments like: "You're so skinny!" or "You don't look like you just had a baby!" Since I've been naturally thin/slender all of my life, 'skinny' just seems like a loaded word and actually makes me feel a little insecure about my body especially since I'm not as active and fit as I used to be. I want to shout back to them:

"Don't you notice my tummy bulge? or my love handles?" 

"What about my flat, saggy butt and my drooping milk-making machines?"

I look at my twiggy arms and wish for something with a little more meat on my bones... maybe something called muscles, perhaps?

Outside of all that, my skin is not clear like it used to be after my dermatitis/psoriasis went all crazy during my pregnancies. I'm afraid to even show off my legs because of all the scars and lingering sores on them. My eyes absolutely hate any eye shadow or mascara that comes near them and they reject the idea of allowing me to wear contacts again (I haven't been able to wear them for about two years now.. and miss them!) And don't even get me started on my hair!

They say that beauty comes from within. I just wish I felt as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside. My husband tries to convince me that I'm beautiful despite the many flaws that I try to point out to him. If only I felt that it was true. *sigh*

Why does it take a  

cute dress, 

some earrings,

lots of make-up, 

a curling iron, 

freshly shaved legs, 

and some heels 

 to make us feel BEAUTIFUL?

Now... if only I could motivate myself to exercise more often and eat a few less sweets. :-)

Blogging Funk

So I feel like I've been in a bit of a blogging funk and just need to force myself to type something, anything. Lots of ideas have been floating around in my head, but I'm never by the computer when I actually feel ambitious enough to follow through. One of my professors in college was a big advocate of free writing.  Free writing is supposed to be a string of random thoughts that don't necessarily make sense. I kind of cheat a little bit though and delete and re-write when I think the sole purpose of the exercise is just to create a few paragraphs of word vomit. I know that sounds a bit gross, but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it and I'm determined to just type as things pop into my head versus going back to ponder on a good synonym. This is kind of relaxing. :-) Maybe I'll figure out what I can write about..... I've been meaning to put up some pictures from this past weekend. I've also wanted to just do a post in Spanish, just to be different. I should probably update Grace Like Rain. Oh yeah... I would like to play around with some formatting and my overall look of my blogs again too. Going back to posting ideas: to nurse or not to nurse anymore, dealing with a crabby little boy, and I'm sure there are others floating around in my head somewhere. I guess that's all for now. It feels good to just spill my thoughts out on a blank page without trying to make it sound or look just so. Freedom!

Let me count the ways...

Oh the things I don't miss about my job!

Rushing around in the morning to get everyone ready

Driving 40 minutes both ways

The crabby customers

The escalated calls

The not-so-family-friendly sick time

The stupid questions from customers

Having to pump during my break and lunch

Losing my freedom to new policies and procedures

Staring at a computer all day

The constant migraines

Oh... and sir, your debit card number is NOT your account number
Thank you for calling and have a nice day!

Great is Thy Faithfulness

This is just a short post before I head out to work.....

I'm getting closer to being a stay-at-home mom! Only 7.5 days to go! During the process of decision making, I kept reminding Tim that God is faithful and he will always provide for us. We'll be ok with just him working. We have enough in savings right now to last for a while (unless we buy a house... then it'd be a little more tight with the budget, but still manageable). As Tim's doubt was slowly fading away, a grassroots advocacy position became available at the American Heart Association where he worked. He was about to tell his boss that he was interested, when she said that one of the youth market directors was quitting and wanted Tim to take on additional tasks and more or less get a promotion. (and yes... it'd be a raise of some sort too... not just additional work tacked on to what he is currently doing). No matter which way he goes with his job, it is such a blessing to have these opportunities present themselves so close to my leaving the workforce. It's amazing how perfect that God's timing is. Great is Thy Faithfulness!

A special moment

Tonight as I was tucking Caleb into bed, I sang him a lullaby that I've been slowly trying to phase out since it's more of a baby (and maybe a bit girly) song. I can't believe how big he has gotten. He's FOUR! It seems like it's just happened in the blink of an eye and I feel like I missed a huge chunk of those changes because I was at work. The daycare got to see him more than I did, I think. I enjoyed my special moment with Caleb, taking a stroll down memory lane and cuddling him in my arms. I love my little cuddle boy... he doesn't do it very often anymore... unless hanging on me is the equivalent. lol

I'm SOOO looking forward to being at home fulltime. I'll get to see some of those moments with Sonya that I missed with Caleb and I'll hopefully get to catch up and spend more time with my little boy. God has blessed me beyond belief. My kids are wonderful...even when they're driving me crazy. My husband is amazing... even when I think I'm always right and probably drive him nuts with my mood swings. He rarely argues with me and makes sure that the family is taken care of. Above all, he constantly tells me that he loves me. I almost take it for granted, but just writing this... I'm reminded of the love we have for each other. I'm going to stop writing and spend some time with that man right now.... :-)

To work or not to work

So, I've been talking with my supervisor to figure out if I want to continue working when Caleb starts 4k. I have been wanting to stay at home with my little man for a while. Now that we have two kids, I want to be at home even more. It's not even the fact that daycare is a bit expensive. I just need to have the special time with my children while they're still little. They need their mommy. Plus, they won't be my babies for too long and I want to enjoy it while it lasts. Some day, they'll be teenagers and won't even want to spend time with me anymore.

Anyway, going back to my job..... I had been quite torn on whether or not I wanted to try doing part-time from home. I wasn't given an exact offer or anything, but they wanted to work with me since they felt I was a very valuable employee. Heck, I've done everything from training other employees to translating big chunks of the website into Spanish to helping test new technology and even assist with designing the new 1-pg application. I can see that they wouldn't want me to leave. In fact, most days, I like my job... or at least I used to like it more. Maybe it's the anticipation of not working anymore that makes it harder for me to leave the house in the morning. I just miss cuddling with my baby in the morning and spending time with Caleb all day while I was on maternity leave. I had a lot more energy for my family then.

The part-time, working from home opportunity was very appealing, but I just kept picturing my life becoming even more hectic as I tried to shuttle Caleb to and from 4k and then have both kids in daycare while I'm actually working. It'd be cheaper to work in the mornings while Caleb was in school and Sonya is at daycare because then we'd only pay for 1 kid vs. 2. Then, it probably wouldn't even be worth it to try and work 10 hours a week. Also, I didn't think it would be fair to give either my family or my job less than 100% so I had to make a decision. I had been praying about it for months and then all of a sudden, I realized that my priorities had changed when I went back to work after maternity leave. God had always been the center, then came family (and close friends), and lastly there was work. But, I was noticing that work was consuming my thoughts since the majority of my time during the week is spent at work. Then I was thinking how I didn't see my kids and husband because of work. God seemed to be on a back-burner.

It became clear to me that God needed to be #1 in my life again and that's how I decided to be.... a full-time stay-at-home mom starting in September!!!!  :-) I'm excited, but a little nervous on how everything will work out. It'll be nice to get stuff done around the house and have a little more time to myself to blog or play music or maybe even paint! I'll be able to spend some time with friends and other moms. Hopefully I can even get a nap or two in during the week so that I'm more fun to be around when Tim gets home! Above all, I'll be able to focus more on God and get involved with some sort of ministry again. God is good and he definitely spoke to me while making this decision. I just had to open my heart and listen. I'm so glad I did. :-)

Heaven.... or the "other place"

 So, I started reading the first book of the Left Behind Series. I'm not going to lie. It freaked me out a little bit to realize how close we might be to the Tribulation and that there are many of  my loved ones that might get "left behind." Now, I'm stuck wondering how I can reach all those people. I wish that it wasn't outside my comfort zone, but the urgency to spread God's message is REAL. What do I do next? I can't just let my faith be mediocre so I can blend in with "everyone else." I need to stand out as someone that other people are wondering, "What does that girl have that I want, but don't have?"


On a scale from 1-10, how certain are you that you'd go to heaven if you died tomorrow?
That's the question I was asked one summer about 9 years ago. I figured I was an 8 or 9 on the scale. My reasoning was that I never killed anyone, didn't do drugs, and was a relatively good person. I never even thought that anyone could be 100% sure that they were going to heaven because that's for God to decide.

Now, if someone asked me the same question today, I'd say 10. You want to know why? It's clearly laid out in the New Testament. One of the resources that Campus Crusade for Christ uses is a pamplet called the Four Spiritual Laws. I urge you to check out the link to learn more if you are still struggling and have not yet committed yourself to a "10" (or even if you want a helpful resource to make it easier to share this message with friends). It made me understand how my sin separated me from God and that I really needed Jesus to bridge that gap. I can't say that I'm a perfect Christian. No one is.  A combination of God's grace and my faith sustains me through the days when I have doubts. I'll just leave you with a verse:

 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Too many thoughts in my head....

1) My employer doesn't want me to leave because I'm a valuable employee to the company so they're trying to work out a way so I can work from home and maybe even parttime. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It would be kind of hard to try and juggle the kids around with work since Caleb starts 4K in the fall; just mornings 4 days a week. So I'd have to figure out a way to do daycare because the kids couldn't be at home while I'm working and then shuffle Caleb to school too. Even though there are lots of days where I don't like going to work, I really do like the people I work with and I have lots of things I'd still like to do at the bank before I leave. Our new supervisor is really doing a great job to make people feel like their work is really contributing to the company and that she will work to help get them any deserved promotions. (I won't lie, I've had opportunities to move up before... just chose not to pursue them because the hours didn't fit well with my family... and if you know me, my family comes first (well right after God). :-)

2) A good friend might be moving away.... hoping it doesn't happen, but not sure how to prepare myself for it. I feel for her and her family. A job opportunity is within their reach... yet they had just started growing their roots here and settling down. Praying that God makes it clear where He wants them to be. I guess I was secretly hoping we'd live near each other for a long time... become old ladies and eventually grandmas together.

3) I feel like a lazy bum who hasn't been exercising much lately. I don't even feel motivated to get anything done. So jealous of my friends that make time to work out every week. *sigh* I know I don't really have any weight to lose, but I'm not as fit and healthy like I should be. And yes, I have love handles just like any other woman out there. One of these days, I'm going to get my energy back.... maybe once I quit my job? (which goes back to the question of whether or not I should even figure out a way to stay at my job or not)

4) I missed the sun during the past few gray and gloomy days. Maybe that's why there's still a gray cloud over my head. I'm just one of those people that needs sunshine... and LOTS of it. I need to get an attitude adjustment or something so that I can get out of my slump. I'm kind of a crabby person to be around at home. Not very fun. :-(

That's all for now.... I'm not even sure what I'm really thinking anymore. Too many thoughts in my head.... 

Who is in control?

Yesterday, I took a stress survey that is available through my work's insurance. I realized that even though I'm relatively calm about things, I bottle up a lot of stress and emotion. I worry about a LOT! All of my little worries and insecurities just build up until I wear myself down physically.

You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.

Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.

Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.

If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.

A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.

Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.

Grace Like Rain

Over the weekend, I created a new blog, "Grace Like Rain" where I plan to continue my personal story. I already moved the previous entries from "Like a Sunflower" to there so it all flows together easier. Since it's starting to get closer to the part of my life that is a lot more private, I've decided to make that blog invite only. Don't worry, there's not a new post out yet for it. I haven't had much time to really think the next one through, but have lots of notes and little disconnected paragraphs started. So once things are up and running, I'll set up the invites. If you're interested in continuing to read about my journey, let me know so I can add your email to the list. (I'll still post entries like normal in "Like a Sunflower," but save the most personal bits for the new blog.)

I chose "Grace Like Rain" as a title because God's grace has covered me so many times especially when I've gone down the wrong paths. I'm a sinner just like anyone else out there. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I hold these deep dark secrets that I'm just bursting to tell the world, but am afraid that people will think of me differently. Maybe the secrets aren't as "dark" as I might think they are, but I feel that by sharing more about myself, you'll understand me a little more. Here's to "The Journey ..."

Thanks to all of you that have been reading thus far!

Time flies by...

I haven't have much time to blog lately .... sorry to my readers. I know you're looking forward to the next parts of my "story."

Work was really tough on Monday. I wanted to cry all day, but I made it through the week. By Friday, I wasn't even thinking about the kids much and felt like I was getting things accomplished. It probably helps knowing that the end is in sight.

We had a blast yesterday despite Caleb's moodiness lately. I don't know what to do with the boy. Hopefully it's just him adjusting to going back to daycare and not being at home with mommy all the time. We went to lots of parks and were outside a ton. Now, he's begging us... or rather.. "telling" us we're going to the park.

Anyway... yesterday, we went to Green Bay for a birthday party for one of my co-worker's sons. The food was great and I got to talk to another co-worker's wife whom I haven't seen in a while. Since Caleb was getting antsy and didn't have any older kids to really play with, we left a little early to go to Tim's aunt and uncle's house which was about 10 minutes away.

The kids all ran around the yard chasing each other and tackling Tim. We grilled out for supper. The weather was absolutely PERFECT! After dinner, I braided Hana and Erin's hair. Then Amy and Fritz watched the kids while Tim and I went for a walk. It was nice to have some time without the kids... we actually could talk to each other! Tim still has a dream of buying two yurts and having some sort of a tunnel connecting them. (This is instead of buying a house).

While walking, we passed the Suamico Elementary school, where the girls go, and they had hurdles out by the soccer field. Let's just say... Tim was a kid again. He was trying to show off and did the hurdles while I watched. I attempted to do them, but my flip flops weren't the best shoes to do that. Towards the end of the walk, I was pretending that my feet hurt and made Tim give me a piggy-back ride.. for a few feet. lol... Then we raced that last block back to his aunt and uncles house. (He won.... but I blame it on the flip flops).

On our way home, Caleb clunked out so we stopped at McD's for a Reeses' McFlurry for me while I nursed Sonya one more time. I think we just crashed into bed as soon as we got home, which was 10:00pm. It was a long day... but fun! 

Sacred Marriage - Chapter 2: Finding God in Marriage

CHAPTER TWO: Finding God in Marriage - Marital Analogies teach us Truths about God

  

"How do you view God -- as master, or as husband?" Do I see God as the bridegroom that is repeatedly referenced in the Bible or just a supreme being who manipulates how the world should be? Is my relationship with Him as close if not closer than the marriage I have with my husband? As I was rereading through this chapter, I thought about when I first became a Christian. I was united with God in a way that is very similar to being united as one with my husband. Marriage isn't about a spouse taking God's place though. Instead, it's like a 3-way marriage. Each third is equally important for the success of the marriage.

"..God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution for the benefit of humanity. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to his own eternal spiritual existence." Of course I realized that marriage is not just about procreation, but I never really thought about marriage as a way to show me who God is. Sometimes my relationship with God is stagnant and I find it hard to find time to spend time with Him. What I'm learning is how I can use my marriage as a way to understand how to have a relationship with God and vice versa. It's amazing how many similarities there are. "As long as a couple is married, they continue to display -- however imperfectly -- the ongoing commitment between Christ and the church." What a beautiful image!!

So what exactly is the purpose of marriage? Ultimately, it is an instrument used to please God. Shouldn't we be living for Him in all that we do anyway? So why not in marriage too? Love and forgiveness are two main ideas that are continually expressed during any friendship or relationship with someone. I think in some ways, they can also be the most difficult to carry out at times.
 

"Strong Christian marriages will still be struck by lightning -- sexual temptation, communication problems, frustrations, unrealized expectations -- but if the marriages are heavily watered with an unwavering commitment to please God above everything else, the conditions won't be ripe for a devastating fire to follow the lightning strike."

Sacred Marriage - Chapter One: The Greatest Challenge in the World

Tim wanted to have us both read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. (It's actually one of the books that Pastor Sid recommended and spoke about in one of the first sermons that I heard him give.) We're going to try and do a chapter a day or every few days and then discuss it at night after Caleb goes to bed. I've only read the first chapter, but am hoping to write a little bit every day about the thoughts that are going through my head as I'm reading and learning.

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CHAPTER ONE: The Greatest Challenge in the World - A call to Holiness more than Happiness

"This is a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character." I agree that we should use all of our experiences in marriage to glorify God rather than to strive for our own personal happiness. Too often, we are selfish and only remember that God is there when times are tough or we need something. We expect that we should be happy all the time if we put our trust in God. The truth is that God is there in everything that we do; we should praise Him for the good and the bad. We should thank Him for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us. We should confess our sins and give our burdens to Him. We should love Him above all.

When I first started dating Tim, I was so infatuated with him during our puppy love sort of stage. I somehow knew that he was going to be "the one." I also thought that our relationship would always possess that beautiful, romantic love that would last forever. Since I've been married, I've realized that when people talk about the ups and downs of marriage, they were right. We're going to have days of utter happiness and days of complete misery and frustration. That puppy love that we had once isn't enough to keep a marriage going. We need the kind of love that we can only find by drawing closer to God. I laughed when I read this line from the book: "If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me "happy," then I'd have to get a "new" marriage every two or three years." Then I thought about it for a bit and realized how true that statement is. No wonder so many people get divorced!

Last year I started reading/doing the "Love Dare." It wasn't because I thought my marriage was in shambles and that we were leaning towards divorce. It was because I figured we had a good thing going for us and I knew it could only get better. One of the days, it asked the question, "Why do you love your spouse?" Like most people, I would respond with all the reasons that I love Tim. He's smart, funny, cute... he helps around the house... etc. However, if we have to have specific reasons to love our spouse, what will happen if they became an invalid? Would we love them less? Would we leave them? No, the answer lies much deeper than that. We should love our spouses just because, no reasons attached. God loves us infinitely more than we could ever fathom, yet that is the type of love that should sustain a marriage. By learning more about God and His love, we will be able to in turn use our marriage to make us holy and find ultimate happiness through God who lives in us.

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I had originally planned to basically summarize each chapter, but then started going on little rabbit trails in my head so figured I better just write it all out. Hopefully it made sense to someone other than just myself. :-)

A Prayer for Patience ...

On the outside, I seem like I have it all together... well, most of the time. To be honest, I don't feel very patient even though my husband came home the other night and commended me on my patience. It's something that I'm continually praying for. I need patience to deal with all sorts of situations that come up. Right now, my biggest struggle is being patient with Caleb. I love that little boy to death, but he definitely tests my patience on a daily basis. He has his occasional tantrums and smart alack remarks. Sometimes, I just have to examine what exactly is coming out of my own mouth because Caleb is probably mirroring my words and actions. Am I setting a good example for him? Could I be setting a better one for him?

My prayer today and every day is for the patience that will endure and help me to be a better mom and wife. I pray for Tim who is also in need of patience. We both have a tendency to react first rather than taking a moment to reflect, think about it, and then react. This is especially true with Caleb. He'll say or do something that is not appropriate or he just won't listen. Instead of counting to 10 so that we can speak calmly with him, we shout, "No!" or "Don't do that!" or "Aren't you listening?" or "Fine, I don't care anymore." or "Go to your room!" I know there are times when I will need to raise my voice or be stern, but I don't really want to be the mom that is constantly yelling while raising my kids. Don't worry... we don't yell that often. It just feels like we've been doing it more than I'd like since Sonya has been born.

Lord, I thank you so much for the beautiful children that you have blessed us with. I ask that you guide Tim and I to be more patient with each other and with our children. We aren't perfect parents and will probably make lots more mistakes than we've already made. Thank you for your grace and continual patience with us as we learn from our wrongs. Amen.

Random post... early morning

I felt like writing this morning, but I have no idea what about yet. Sometimes I like to just start typing and then all of a sudden, I have a whole page written. When I was looking through my blog from college a few weeks ago, I had lots of posts that didn't really seem to have a main topic. They seemed to be the most fun to read and I admit, I was laughing out loud at some of the memories. I couldn't believe how much I had "forgotten" and how inspirational some of my posts were.

I still haven't thought of anything interesting to write about ..... Tim is going to be in Chicago all day today for work. I plan on going to mom's group with Caleb and Sonya. Then we'll head over to my parent's house to spend some time with them. I'm so glad that they're willing to let Caleb spend the night by them. I feel like everyone in the house is always competing for my attention, but I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that I just like to veg out in front of the computer or TV after Tim gets home. I'm hoping that Tim and I will have some quality time tonight and that he stays up a little bit later than he has been. By the time both kids are finally in bed, Tim is usually asleep already so we don't get much quality time together without interruptions. I don't know what we'll do once I go back to work and Sonya gets a bit older. I guess we'll just have to take advantage of friends and relatives that are willing to watch the kids and give us a break. :-)

For some reason, my creative juices just aren't flowing yet this morning. My fingers are anxious though and want to keeping typing. I suppose I better get the kids ready for mom's group. We've been up since 5am this morning. Well... Caleb has... I tried to doze off while he watched "Pete's Dragon." I don't think I slept much even though I wanted to. I just don't feel tired for some reason. Sonya fell back to sleep though like a good little girl. Oh well...maybe I can sleep in tomorrow while Caleb is at grandma and grandpa's house.

Over and out for now.

Frustration with Wal-mart

Dur! ... Today I was feeling a bit under the weather, but wanted to get out of the house for a bit and I especially needed more kleenex. Between Tim, Caleb, and I, we've been going through kleenex like nobody's business. Anyway, I decided that I'd get some more packages of diapers while I was there. The past three times we've been there, they didn't have any Parent's Choice size 1 diapers. The third time, we finally talked to one of the employees: None on the shelf, none in stock, and none on order... She said she'd make sure to get some ordered because it didn't look like they had any. Are you serious? We even drove over to Target who also was out of their size one Target brand diapers.

In the meantime, I got a few packages at the Super Wal-mart in Plymouth while on my way to visit my parents and Tim has stopped at a Milwaukee area Wal-mart and also stocked up. Those options wouldn't be so bad if they weren't out of the way.

So... this afternoon (at least two weeks later), I went in and there were still no size 1 diapers. What the heck? Do I just have bad luck or are they not ordering any more? Sure, I could've went with Huggies or Luv's, but those are a bit more expensive and I'm happy with the Parent's Choice brand. I decided to check with an employee again in case they just needed to restock the shelf. Of course the shelf was empty, but her system said there were some in stock. She was kind enough to go in back and check, but apparently they just had a truck come and everything was still wrapped up and stacked so it was hard to tell where they were, let alone to get a few packages for me. I don't know what her name was, but I could tell she genuinely felt bad. She made it sound like they should be there later today when they do their stocking. Tim stopped by there on his way home from grocery shopping. Still none! Tim doesn't get worked up too often, but today with the combination of feeling sick and feeling impatient, he wrote a semi-formal complaint and the manager is supposed to call us back.

I'm seriously considering boycotting!!! Well... maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.
Goodnight all!

Only 47 days before I go back to work....

The thought of going back to work and leaving my baby with someone else is hard to think about. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy every precious moment that I do have with Sonya and Caleb. It's such an amazing gift to be able to stay at home for 12 weeks while some new moms can only afford to stay home for 6 weeks.

For now I'm planning to go back to work and try to breastfeed as long as I can. The second part of that won't be easy either. There's not really a nursing room or a whole lot of time for me to pump at work. My boss said I could work longer hours if I needed to extend my breaks or 30 min lunch to accommodate. I'm not a big fan of that idea because I would be gone even LONGER from home and my family each day. I just did a little research and there's no law requiring an employer to give longer breaks or lunches while still allowing the employee to work their scheduled hours. Darn.. I wonder if they'd let me combine my lunch and break times so I have 2-25 minute blocks of time. Also, I wish the private bathroom was on our floor... it takes at least 5 minutes of my break time just to travel to and from the lower level of the building. There's a little closet-like room that I could use, but I'd still need a sink and would end up going to a bathroom anyway.

Right now, the plan is for me to at least work through August or possibly until the end of the year, since my insurance premiums are considerably lower and we already met our deductible with Sonya's birth. I'm hoping we can figure out a way for me to stay at home until Caleb goes to 1st grade so that we'll only have to worry about paying daycare for one child instead of two at that point. Maybe I'd find a parttime job too....

*Sorry for the rant... just stressing out a bit about this a little.*

Men can still be romantic... even after they're married

Yesterday evening, Tim had mentioned that he had a "surprise" for me after the munchkins went to bed. I figured it was food (probably chocolate...) since he went grocery shopping while Sonya and I napped in the afternoon. So, we got Caleb in his bed, prayed together and sang his songs. I was sitting in our room nursing Sonya and heard some banging around in the kitchen. I had no idea what Tim was doing in there. Then I heard Caleb say something about food and a blanket. He must've gotten up and was spying on Tim. (He's been a bit of a punk lately while taking his sweet time to go to sleep and constantly getting up to go to the bathroom ... even if he doesn't really have to go... and then getting drinks of water).

Anyway, I was finally done feeding Sonya and went out to the living room. Tim had laid out a blanket and had a tray of different foods: strawberries with fruit dip, bagel chips with Port Wine cheese spread, and 2 Reese's peanut butter cups. Plus, he had bought some Door County Apple Wine and had 2 wine glasses sitting out. Of course, Caleb had to peak around the corner and ask if he could have some chocolate. We sent him back to bed with the promise that we would save a piece for him. Sonya was pretty good for the most part. She actually took her pacifier for a little bit.

We played Valentine's Day checkers. It was a special version that Tim bought me for Valentine's Day, but we've only played once before. There's different activities that your opponent has to do when you skip one of their checkers: Give neck rub, Tell a joke, Kiss me, Do something silly, Talk about 1st date, etc.. We also read through the Bible passages that we had read at our wedding and discussed areas that we could improve our love.


After we cleaned up our picnic, Tim gave me a foot rub while we watched a movie, "Last Chance Harvey," with Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson.

I love my husband. :-)

10 of my favorite things

It's hard to narrow it down to my 10 favorite things, but here is an attempt:

1. Eating chocolate while watching chick flicks (and drinking the occasional glass of wine)
2. Jumping through puddles after a warm summer's rain
3. Listening to music (Some of my favorite Christian groups are Casting Crowns, Third Day, Jeremy Camp, Mercy Me..etc) I do love most types of music, it depends on my mood. Yes, that includes rap... as long as it's not filled with obscenities and such.
4. Big fat snowflakes... making snow angels after the first snowfall
5. Arsty stuff... Painting, ceramics, and other crafts. I've just recently gotten more into editing photographs. I'm not the best photographer, but I'm getting better at editing so they look a heck of a lot better than when I initally took the picture. I wish I had more time to do them.
6. Learning languages. I was a Spanish major at Ripon college. I also had the opportunity to take Latin and Portuguese. One summer, I started learning Turkish, but didn't get very far. I was going to try and take German while also taking Spanish and Latin, but thought that might get too confusing. I know a few words just because my parents would speak it at home when they didn't want us kids to understand what they were saying.
7. Writing song lyrics, poems, stories, etc. I'm no Billy Joel, Robert Frost, or Mark Twain... but I enjoy writing all the same.
8. Playing instruments. Well, I only play a little piano and guitar. I took piano and organ lessons for a few years in grade school. For guitar, I had taken lessons during recess when I was in 2nd grade and then had a boyfriend in college teach me a few chords. So Tim bought me a guitar for my 25th birthday and I started teaching myself. :-) I would think I could still play a little harmonica if I tried. We had one when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. It's not that hard to play. I would LOVE to learn how to play drums. The college boyfriend tried to teach me a little, but I couldn't concentrate enough to make it work.
9. Singing. I had been in charge of the worship team for CCF (Campus Christian Fellowship) at Ripon College. I'm not even sure how I ended up leading it because I'm not a great singer. It was a total God thing that helped me grow on a personal and spiritual level. Somehow I even managed to become part of the choir when I hadn't taken choir since 4th grade. At least my piano lessons paid off because I could read notes!
10. My family! Of course, I had to save the best for last. Tim is my amazing and most wonderful husband. I don't know where I'd be without him. Caleb is my precious and helpful son and Sonya is my itsy baby whom I love to pieces. (My extended family: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents.... we're all a very close knit family even if we get stubborn and argue with each other. I can't imagine my life without them.)

Darn... I forgot one. God should be on that list too. Although, God is everywhere and in everything so He is a part of each and every item on my list of 10 favorite things. So I guess I got that covered.

Until next time,
-Michelle Marie

A new blog...

I haven't used a blog since the year right after college, but have sincerely missed writing about random daily events and thought-provoking entries, etc. Since I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to writing, I always take so long in typing and re-typing what I want to say. I'm guilty of writing paragraphs upon paragraphs only to decide that it wasn't worthy of being available to the public eye and then highlighting the whole darn thing and deleting it.

I'm not quite sure what this blog is going to be "about" or how often I will post entries. I don't even know exactly where to begin anymore. It's funny how I keep telling myself that I want to start another blog... with a new fresh start and just totally forget I even had the other one. Then I'll have a paragraph or two typed up in my head of exactly how I would begin. If only it was that easy. My first blog was in Xanga and I pretty much had that one all figured out. Now, technology allows you to do so much more with a blog and I feel like I'm going to have to start all over getting familiar with the formatting and other capabilities that the blog world offers. *sigh* Well, it'll be something new to do while stretching my mind a little bit while I'm at home with two kids.

Here's to a new beginning....... Enjoy.