Who is in control?

Yesterday, I took a stress survey that is available through my work's insurance. I realized that even though I'm relatively calm about things, I bottle up a lot of stress and emotion. I worry about a LOT! All of my little worries and insecurities just build up until I wear myself down physically.

You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.

Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.

Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.

If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.

A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.

Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.