Anxiety is kind of like that pair of comfortable jeans that I love, but probably shouldn't wear anymore. You know... that pair that is starting to get threadbare in all the wrong places. Even though they're so old and worn out, you can't help but feeling like you're wearing a friend. (Somehow, no matter how many other pairs of pants wind up in your drawer, this pair just calls your name, begging to be worn). Anxiety is very similar for me. I start feeling those feelings, but I feel like it's not bad and I still have everything under control. It slowly gets worse until it seems like it's just always been there, like a reliable friend.
Then I start feeling trapped in a web of nothingness. I can't process feelings (or maybe I just don't allow myself too). I'm afraid of feeling hurt so I close myself off to anything that could make me feel that way. Again, choosing to not feel is like that pair of jeans, it becomes comfortable. All those simple, everyday types of decisions feel monumental. I just shut down and have found myself telling Tim more often than not that he just needs to take over making some of those decisions because I can't. I physically can't. My brain just stalls and I can't process potential solutions/answers.
I have found myself not wanting to invite people over because the thought of them declining escalates in my mind to rejection. I know they aren't really rejecting me... if I'm thinking rationally. But, when you're working with an anxious mind, your thoughts go into fight or flight mode and you end up wanting to just run away and hide OR you start getting a little defensive and think that the world is against you. It's silly and doesn't make sense, but that's just how the brain works sometimes. It forgoes reason and rational thinking. So yeah, my brain goes there and somehow twists my thoughts into negative things. That's when I start feeling out of control.
I'm also having a hard time figuring out dinner because I normally cook based on what I'm in the mood for. However, when I'm feeling listless and lifeless, I'm not super hungry and very few things sound appealing. Today though, I did force myself to leave the house and get a few groceries with my daughter. Just going on a short outing like that wore me out, but it was a step in the right direction. I'm learning that I need to force myself to get groceries and run errands so that I don't end up just letting Tim take over those responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, Tim is super helpful and always willing to do whatever is needed. I love him for that. But... sometimes his helpfulness can become a crutch for me, allowing me to sit on the couch and wallow in my feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. So I need to make sure that I'm doing my part of being a wife and mother.
Today, I was thankful for Pastor Nate's sermon. By holding onto these feelings of anxiety and loneliness and staying in my little bubble of protection, it's my way of trying to stay in control of my life. Reality check: I am failing on my own. I'm not God, but I have been trying to take His place.... again. Ugh... so hard to hand over the reigns of control.
God -- I surrender it all to you. This is no surprise. You know that I struggle with wanting to feel in control. It's taken different shapes throughout my life, but that desire to have things done just right and to plan things way ahead are hard to just bury completely. Thank goodness for your grace and patience with me. You are God and I am not. Take my life and let it be ALL for you.
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