Feeling Distant...

I've been feeling anti-social and also feeling distant from God lately. I'm sure the two are related.

There's an anger just burning in my heart, weighing me down. It stems from the anger I feel at the world and all of its materialistic ways. It stems from the injustice I see around me. It stems from having to stay put when I want to know the answers and I want to just fly.

This anger is consuming me, yet it comes and goes. My fuse is so short as my kids and husband can readily agree. I hate how I feel after yelling. I just hate feeling like this in general. I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. And I'm certainly not acting like a child of God.

What do I do next? I'm not sure. I try to pray the best I can, but God continues to get my leftovers. I honestly just don't want to make time for Him right now. My head keeps playing games with me while my heart yearns to reconnect with my Abba. I know I need to find Him again and I know I don't even have to look that far. He's right there.

Why do I doubt? Why do I let the ways of the world get the better of me and let this anger creep into my heart? I'm supposed to be a Christian. I'm supposed to know that God has it all under control. He has a plan for all of this. The waiting makes me weary though.

Sometimes, I try to describe these thoughts out loud to other people, but I wonder if they truly understand. It's so hard to pour out my heart. It's hard to just be vulnerable. So here I am... just laying it all out there on the table. This is me right now. Real and raw.