My heart hurts today.... actually I've felt like this for almost a week. I'm just never sure what to write here or if I should bother sharing a part of my heart. My heart has been broken and even shattered to pieces before from relationships and even friendships.
Right now, I just feel like a friend that's waiting on the wayside until I'm "needed" again. I feel like I'm not enough of a friend to be pursued by others. I feel like I initiate the majority of conversations (whether by email, mail, phone, or instant messages). I wonder why I always get stuck as the initiator. Sometimes it's nice to just be pursued instead of acting as the pursuer. So here I am waiting again.
I could very easily just call someone up to chat or plan a play date. For some reason though, I feel like I'm interrupting their day so it doesn't make me too eager to try getting a hold of them any time soon. Either that or I'll call and leave a voice mail that doesn't get returned. I'm stuck in a circle.
I feel pathetic for feeling slighted and disappointed. I just want to curl up on the couch and be a hermit all day. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone, but at the same time, I want to feel like I matter and that someone cares.
It's ironic that I feel this way when I've been preparing a Bible study on friendship -- the kind that David and Jonathan shared. I pray that these feelings will be lifted soon. I just have to remind myself that Jesus can fulfill my every need. He's always there to pursue me, just waiting at the door until I'm ready to hang out or have a conversation. Oh, what a friend I have in Jesus.
Whew -- now that I got this off my chest, I feel a little better already. Maybe I can break out of the circle today and become a better friend myself. It's a new day.
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