Far From Perfect

When I was younger, I was a lot more active and was in the best shape of my life. Now, after having two kids, I'm still getting comments like: "You're so skinny!" or "You don't look like you just had a baby!" Since I've been naturally thin/slender all of my life, 'skinny' just seems like a loaded word and actually makes me feel a little insecure about my body especially since I'm not as active and fit as I used to be. I want to shout back to them:

"Don't you notice my tummy bulge? or my love handles?" 

"What about my flat, saggy butt and my drooping milk-making machines?"

I look at my twiggy arms and wish for something with a little more meat on my bones... maybe something called muscles, perhaps?

Outside of all that, my skin is not clear like it used to be after my dermatitis/psoriasis went all crazy during my pregnancies. I'm afraid to even show off my legs because of all the scars and lingering sores on them. My eyes absolutely hate any eye shadow or mascara that comes near them and they reject the idea of allowing me to wear contacts again (I haven't been able to wear them for about two years now.. and miss them!) And don't even get me started on my hair!

They say that beauty comes from within. I just wish I felt as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside. My husband tries to convince me that I'm beautiful despite the many flaws that I try to point out to him. If only I felt that it was true. *sigh*

Why does it take a  

cute dress, 

some earrings,

lots of make-up, 

a curling iron, 

freshly shaved legs, 

and some heels 

 to make us feel BEAUTIFUL?

Now... if only I could motivate myself to exercise more often and eat a few less sweets. :-)

Blogging Funk

So I feel like I've been in a bit of a blogging funk and just need to force myself to type something, anything. Lots of ideas have been floating around in my head, but I'm never by the computer when I actually feel ambitious enough to follow through. One of my professors in college was a big advocate of free writing.  Free writing is supposed to be a string of random thoughts that don't necessarily make sense. I kind of cheat a little bit though and delete and re-write when I think the sole purpose of the exercise is just to create a few paragraphs of word vomit. I know that sounds a bit gross, but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it and I'm determined to just type as things pop into my head versus going back to ponder on a good synonym. This is kind of relaxing. :-) Maybe I'll figure out what I can write about..... I've been meaning to put up some pictures from this past weekend. I've also wanted to just do a post in Spanish, just to be different. I should probably update Grace Like Rain. Oh yeah... I would like to play around with some formatting and my overall look of my blogs again too. Going back to posting ideas: to nurse or not to nurse anymore, dealing with a crabby little boy, and I'm sure there are others floating around in my head somewhere. I guess that's all for now. It feels good to just spill my thoughts out on a blank page without trying to make it sound or look just so. Freedom!

Let me count the ways...

Oh the things I don't miss about my job!

Rushing around in the morning to get everyone ready

Driving 40 minutes both ways

The crabby customers

The escalated calls

The not-so-family-friendly sick time

The stupid questions from customers

Having to pump during my break and lunch

Losing my freedom to new policies and procedures

Staring at a computer all day

The constant migraines

Oh... and sir, your debit card number is NOT your account number
Thank you for calling and have a nice day!

Great is Thy Faithfulness

This is just a short post before I head out to work.....

I'm getting closer to being a stay-at-home mom! Only 7.5 days to go! During the process of decision making, I kept reminding Tim that God is faithful and he will always provide for us. We'll be ok with just him working. We have enough in savings right now to last for a while (unless we buy a house... then it'd be a little more tight with the budget, but still manageable). As Tim's doubt was slowly fading away, a grassroots advocacy position became available at the American Heart Association where he worked. He was about to tell his boss that he was interested, when she said that one of the youth market directors was quitting and wanted Tim to take on additional tasks and more or less get a promotion. (and yes... it'd be a raise of some sort too... not just additional work tacked on to what he is currently doing). No matter which way he goes with his job, it is such a blessing to have these opportunities present themselves so close to my leaving the workforce. It's amazing how perfect that God's timing is. Great is Thy Faithfulness!

A special moment

Tonight as I was tucking Caleb into bed, I sang him a lullaby that I've been slowly trying to phase out since it's more of a baby (and maybe a bit girly) song. I can't believe how big he has gotten. He's FOUR! It seems like it's just happened in the blink of an eye and I feel like I missed a huge chunk of those changes because I was at work. The daycare got to see him more than I did, I think. I enjoyed my special moment with Caleb, taking a stroll down memory lane and cuddling him in my arms. I love my little cuddle boy... he doesn't do it very often anymore... unless hanging on me is the equivalent. lol

I'm SOOO looking forward to being at home fulltime. I'll get to see some of those moments with Sonya that I missed with Caleb and I'll hopefully get to catch up and spend more time with my little boy. God has blessed me beyond belief. My kids are wonderful...even when they're driving me crazy. My husband is amazing... even when I think I'm always right and probably drive him nuts with my mood swings. He rarely argues with me and makes sure that the family is taken care of. Above all, he constantly tells me that he loves me. I almost take it for granted, but just writing this... I'm reminded of the love we have for each other. I'm going to stop writing and spend some time with that man right now.... :-)

To work or not to work

So, I've been talking with my supervisor to figure out if I want to continue working when Caleb starts 4k. I have been wanting to stay at home with my little man for a while. Now that we have two kids, I want to be at home even more. It's not even the fact that daycare is a bit expensive. I just need to have the special time with my children while they're still little. They need their mommy. Plus, they won't be my babies for too long and I want to enjoy it while it lasts. Some day, they'll be teenagers and won't even want to spend time with me anymore.

Anyway, going back to my job..... I had been quite torn on whether or not I wanted to try doing part-time from home. I wasn't given an exact offer or anything, but they wanted to work with me since they felt I was a very valuable employee. Heck, I've done everything from training other employees to translating big chunks of the website into Spanish to helping test new technology and even assist with designing the new 1-pg application. I can see that they wouldn't want me to leave. In fact, most days, I like my job... or at least I used to like it more. Maybe it's the anticipation of not working anymore that makes it harder for me to leave the house in the morning. I just miss cuddling with my baby in the morning and spending time with Caleb all day while I was on maternity leave. I had a lot more energy for my family then.

The part-time, working from home opportunity was very appealing, but I just kept picturing my life becoming even more hectic as I tried to shuttle Caleb to and from 4k and then have both kids in daycare while I'm actually working. It'd be cheaper to work in the mornings while Caleb was in school and Sonya is at daycare because then we'd only pay for 1 kid vs. 2. Then, it probably wouldn't even be worth it to try and work 10 hours a week. Also, I didn't think it would be fair to give either my family or my job less than 100% so I had to make a decision. I had been praying about it for months and then all of a sudden, I realized that my priorities had changed when I went back to work after maternity leave. God had always been the center, then came family (and close friends), and lastly there was work. But, I was noticing that work was consuming my thoughts since the majority of my time during the week is spent at work. Then I was thinking how I didn't see my kids and husband because of work. God seemed to be on a back-burner.

It became clear to me that God needed to be #1 in my life again and that's how I decided to be.... a full-time stay-at-home mom starting in September!!!!  :-) I'm excited, but a little nervous on how everything will work out. It'll be nice to get stuff done around the house and have a little more time to myself to blog or play music or maybe even paint! I'll be able to spend some time with friends and other moms. Hopefully I can even get a nap or two in during the week so that I'm more fun to be around when Tim gets home! Above all, I'll be able to focus more on God and get involved with some sort of ministry again. God is good and he definitely spoke to me while making this decision. I just had to open my heart and listen. I'm so glad I did. :-)

Heaven.... or the "other place"

 So, I started reading the first book of the Left Behind Series. I'm not going to lie. It freaked me out a little bit to realize how close we might be to the Tribulation and that there are many of  my loved ones that might get "left behind." Now, I'm stuck wondering how I can reach all those people. I wish that it wasn't outside my comfort zone, but the urgency to spread God's message is REAL. What do I do next? I can't just let my faith be mediocre so I can blend in with "everyone else." I need to stand out as someone that other people are wondering, "What does that girl have that I want, but don't have?"


On a scale from 1-10, how certain are you that you'd go to heaven if you died tomorrow?
That's the question I was asked one summer about 9 years ago. I figured I was an 8 or 9 on the scale. My reasoning was that I never killed anyone, didn't do drugs, and was a relatively good person. I never even thought that anyone could be 100% sure that they were going to heaven because that's for God to decide.

Now, if someone asked me the same question today, I'd say 10. You want to know why? It's clearly laid out in the New Testament. One of the resources that Campus Crusade for Christ uses is a pamplet called the Four Spiritual Laws. I urge you to check out the link to learn more if you are still struggling and have not yet committed yourself to a "10" (or even if you want a helpful resource to make it easier to share this message with friends). It made me understand how my sin separated me from God and that I really needed Jesus to bridge that gap. I can't say that I'm a perfect Christian. No one is.  A combination of God's grace and my faith sustains me through the days when I have doubts. I'll just leave you with a verse:

 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)