Life: A Balancing Act

January is almost over. I can hardly believe it!

The other day, I was reading a book to prepare for a Bible study that I'm in. The author mentioned that she had two jars -- one was filled with rocks and the other 3/4 filled with sand. The rocks represented her time with the Lord and the sand was all the things she had to do during the day. If you put the sand in the jar first, you have a hard time getting all the rocks to fit, but if you put the rocks in first, the sand fits into all those crevices around the rocks without overflowing out of the jar.

This was a great visual for how we can balance our lives. If we neglect to spend time with Jesus as our top priority, we'll have a hard time fitting Him into our lives. On the other hand, if we put Him first, He'll give us what we need to get all those other things done in addition to spending time with Him. 

It's like the story of Martha and Mary from Luke 10:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I can truly relate to Martha. I always want to make sure everything is done. "First, I'll do the laundry and then I'll be able to have more time to study God's Word." But, the reality is that the more things I end up doing, the more I see that needs to be done before I have that extra time. By the end of the day, I realize I haven't even talked to God much outside of a quick prayer for patience so I can get through my day. Sometimes, when I do have a moment, I see myself going back and forth on whether I should read my latest Christian fiction or should I sit down with my Bible. The latter usually ends up staying on my bookshelf. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I still struggle with that. Thank goodness for God's grace, right?

So I really want to strive to be more like Mary. I don't want to miss out on what God has in store for me today. I want to hear His words of love and encouragement. I want to feel that wonderful joy as I'm doing my daily tasks. I don't want to feel burdened by all the work I need to do during the day. 

In the end, I know that both roles are good to have, but there's beautiful about being able to balance our work and daily lives along with sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to Him.

Turning 30...

Yesterday, I celebrated another decade of being on this earth. I turned the big 3-0. For some reason, 30 sounded so much older than 29. I'd be closing a chapter of my life and moving on. My twenties were pretty exciting -- a lot of firsts for me. I think that was maybe the reason that I felt sad to leave that particular decade. There were so many great memories and as I keep getting older, those memories have started to fade as I make new memories.

In my twenties, I .....
- ordered my first real drink at a bar.
- lived in North Dakota for a summer and made many lasting friendships.
- became acquainted with Camp Grow and met many new people.
- lived in Costa Rica for a semester.
- went salsa dancing for the first time.
- graduated from college.
- started my first real job as an adult. (HSA Bank!)
- started a family (married the love of my life and had babies)
- found a home church.
- learned to play guitar.
- bought a house.
- stood up in a friend's wedding.
- traveled to Colorado on a family trip.
- co-led a women's Bible study
- took a Zumba class.
- played on a kickball team for a summer
- ran my first 5K race (high school cross-country races don't count)
- I really started to grasp who God was and grow stronger in my faith.

I could probably keep going. (maybe if I think of it, I'll add more later). Happy Birthday to me!

Beauty from within

This verse really spoke to me today because I'm constantly thinking that my outward appearance is more important than it should be. I am tempted by society to believe that I'm not beautiful because I'm not wearing certain clothes or my hair isn't done the right way. God's truth brings me back to reality:

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.
The Lord does not look at the things people look at.
People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7 NIV)

Reflection -- Sonya and I were watching Veggie Tales "Sweetpea Beauty." That's where I got the verse from. A girl had been concerned about her braces and glasses and being accepted. They used the stories of Cinderella and Snow White (and some creative liberties) to focus on inner beauty and what God sees in our heart. 

Why does society tell us that we need to fit Hollywood's standards of beautiful? We look in a glass mirror to see ourselves when we should be using God as our mirror. He's the one that sees us as we truly are - broken, loved, beautiful, His children. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

When I set my eyes on God, the Light of Him shines through. My heart is reflected in my outward appearance and I feel beautiful. Guess what? We can all be beautiful - and that's a beautiful thing. 

Why two different schools?

I can't believe how big my little girl has gotten! Sonya started 3yr Preschool today. It's been a joy watching her grow and learn at home. Now, I'm excited from her to do more of that at school and church. On the first day of school for the main campus of OCS, they had Chapel. So Sonya and I went. The principal, Mrs. Austin, was talking about the cord of three strands (from Ecclesiastes) and how important it is for our children to learn at home, school, and church. Since we want to bring our kids up knowing who God is and not being afraid to share their faith, we are so blessed to have the opportunity to send Sonya to the OCS preschool program.

I love that Ozaukee Christian School (OCS) is a small school because the families there really get to know each other. The class sizes are small which is a huge advantage for learning. The teachers invest a lot of time into the kids both inside and outside of the classroom. They pray for their students and teach the kids how to live more like Jesus by reading the Bible, knowing more about God, and by praying. The school environment is so loving that I already feel like a part of OCS and am excited to be a part of it all.

Caleb started 2nd grade at Lincoln Elementary school this year. It's a public school right across the street from our house. He has been going there for the past two years already and feels comfortable. He really doesn't adjust to change very well and since we hadn't really talked too much about switching schools, we decided to just keep him at Lincoln for now. Caleb's good friends go there and all the teachers are great so far. There are also many more opportunities for Caleb to witness to unbelievers. (He invited friends to AWANA and talks about Jesus on the playground - SO proud of him). Another factor that I can't rule out is that the cost of a public school is significantly less than a private school.

As the school year progresses, I'm sure we will have many discussions on where we should continue Caleb and Sonya's educations. For now, I think we are right where God needs them to be. Who knows? I might become a home school mom someday. :-)

Another day in August

I decided to buy a new journal as a way to continue my writing, but I'm not as good at keeping up with that as I used to be. Instead, here I am on the computer. I can type faster than I can write. Plus, my hand won't get as cramped up.

This summer has been quite busy. As I look at our schedule for the fall, I wonder how my parents did everything with 5 kids. We only have two!! There are so many activities to be involved in for the kids as well as the adults. I'm kind of glad that Caleb isn't wanting to join Boy Scouts or play sports right now. I can't imagine how much extra time that would take away from the family. Sometimes it's good to be involved, but there has to be a limit. Even with those limits, it may feel like a whirlwind when everything starts back up - school, Bible studies, softball, etc.

When I started typing, I had no idea where I wanted to go with this post. That's usually my attitude. If I was typing for other people, then I'd make sure everything was just perfect. But the fact is, I'm not perfect. I have faults. On a computer, it's easy to cover up our faults. We can hit the delete button. We can censor what we post in Facebook so that it appears that we have it all together. Our pictures show fun family events and the "cool" things we have been doing. They don't show the tears or frustration. They don't show the hard work that we do in keeping our marriages on track or keeping the house somewhat clean.

So here I am to say that I don't have it all together. I often struggle with feeling depressed for a week or more at a time. Then I'll have a few days where I feel awesome and want to clean everything and do it all! I wish I had the energy of my kids. They have me spinning in circles while they play (and fight!). I'm pretty sure all siblings fight with each other so I know I'm not alone here. I want to scream at them for talking back and acting ridiculous, but I try to hold off as long as I can without losing my cool. It's tough being a parent. BUT! it's also rewarding. I love my family even if they drive me nuts sometimes.

I'm not superwoman. There are some moms that I always put on a pedestal. I thought they could do everything. They always seems chipper and had lots of energy. They had time for other people and their families. Yet, they aren't superwomen either. I've seen some of their flaws. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone. It also has me realize again that only God can be put up on that pedestal. I can't replace Him. As women, we have struggles. It's just not easy to put them out in the open so everyone can see. We don't want to be criticized. For some reason, we want to be seen as if we were Super Woman. It's true. That's how I want to be seen sometimes. It's better than appearing as lazy, tired, unorganized, crazy, etc. as I might view myself at times.

Well, I have no idea if that made any sense at all, but I'm going to go ahead and post this. I'm a mother, a wife, and a friend. I'm not perfect. Only God is.

Blessings through Raindrops?

This morning, I was listening to Pandora and stumbled across the song "Blessings." I've heard it before, but today I really focused on the words. We pray for blessings and peace, comfort, protection, healing and prosperity, to ease our suffering, for wisdom, to hear God's voice. We feel angry and frustrated when we feel like God has abandoned us. We doubt God and His love for us. We feel a distance between us and God and we want to blame Him for our troubles.

"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" - This really spoke to me. We go through many trials - BIG ones and smalls ones. Can you see God's mercy in them? Was He protecting you from something way worse? Did He bring you comfort and peace despite the sacrifices you had to make? Was He able to reveal His undying love for you and/or others? Those are such great mercies that we don't always see in the moment of trial. 

In the flood of the storm, we fight to hold our heads above the water when all we need to do is trust that God is going to pull us through. Shouldn't it be easier to just grab that rope and let Him pull us up out of the waters? Yet we hesitate. We want to be in control of our situations. We don't want to rely on others for help. It's only in the times where we feel broken and desperate that we truly cling to God. 

When everything is comfortable and going smoothly, we sometimes forget how much we need Jesus. I'm so guilty of that. It's easier to tell everyone how to live their lives when I'm not even following what I know to be the answers. The darkness tries to take over. I stumble through the shadows again. Where am I going, Lord? Where do you want me? I'm so lost and I need you. Yet, I continue wanting to rely on my own abilities. I want to blame God and let him take responsibility for all the unknowns. I keep walking through the darkness until I'm at the point of brokenness. My anger seems to be more in control than I am. It's not fair for me to feel guilty all the time and it's definitely not fair to take everything out on my family. I'm not even sure what the source of my anger is, but I'm like a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any second. -- and the bomb goes off several times a day lately.

If you read this blog, please pray for me. I'm just struggling right now with not knowing where God wants me as a leader in the church (Sunday school or womens' ministries). I'm struggling with feeling frustrated and angry with anything that's been going "wrong" according to my perfectionist vision. I get upset with my husband and kids a lot lately. I've been feeling alone even when I'm not alone. I feel unloved even though my head knows that I'm loved by my family and many friends. God feels far away and my passion for Him seems forced instead of that strong desire that used to be there. I'm in a funk and need to find my way out again. 

Writing seems to lift a lot of the heaviness off of my heart. But it's only a start.
Thanks for listening.
-M

Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings 
We pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Untangling my Life

Sometimes I have too much on my mind. I can't sift through it well enough to make it comprehensible on a blank sheet of paper (or a blog). Can't you just read my mind instead? You'd probably get lost in the jumble of my thoughts. It still wouldn't make sense. A giant spiderweb waiting to be untangled.

Writing is my therapy. It helps to unwind the threads that are my thoughts and roll it back into a sweet ball of yarn again.

What is it that I struggle with? What thoughts am I even talking about? Those questions float around in my head too!

The first thing that comes to mind -- I feel like I have all this passion inside of me to do something great, but I don't know what that is yet. I struggle with patience and waiting on what God wants me to do. In the meantime, I try to fill my time with busywork and dreaming. Maybe I read too many books -- I want to be the heroine who helps the town come together. I want to be the one that everyone comes to for advice. I want to travel. I want to leave a legacy. Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck in Kansas waiting to go to Oz....

Well, that's one thing slightly unraveled. I better get back to cleaning my house and spending time with my daughter. Until next time!