Blah!

I keep wanting to write, but then get overwhelmed with everything I could write about. So I just don't do it. Then, the list keeps growing until I just have to start somewhere. I still have no idea where the beginning is. I just know that sometimes, I just have to write. It's in my blood. It makes me happy to unleash all the thoughts crowding in my brain. Although, sometimes my mind feels empty and I wonder where all the thoughts went. Are they lost in my subconscious somewhere? Hmm... something to ponder.

Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent. I tend to do that occasionally or maybe quite more often than I'd like. It's the way that I think though and when you have five million thoughts going through your head at one time, one is bound to go off on at least one or two tangents, right? (or in my case... many more!)

This past weekend was fun. I was in my best friend's wedding. She was my freshman roommate and we created a bond that makes us quite inseparable. Well, we live a little more than two hours away so we don't see each other as often as we'd like, but whenever we get together (about once or twice a year), it's as if we pick up right where we left off. I wish she lived right next door though. I miss being able to see her almost every day. We'd talk about everything -- our dreams, our aspirations, family problems, and of course boy problems. There was always a little bit of drama to keep things interesting. :-)

So anyway, it was nice to see my friend and get to know her family even better. I really enjoyed talking with her grandma especially since I only have one living grandma left (she's on my dad's side) and her memory is slowly losing the battle to dementia. I don't know if my grandma remembers me when I visit. She acts like she knows Caleb sometimes, but she definitely has no idea who Sonya is from one minute to the next after we tell her. It's tough. Even though my grandma is alive and well, I still miss her old self -- the one that knew our entire family tree and had all the latest gossip from town. She never complained about anything. I've always admired her. Now, when we get together, the only thing we can really do is play cards because it makes us all feel like she's still there. It's so easy to pretend like everything is normal (well... other than the moments when grandma "forgets" whose turn it is... but even that could happen before). 

Well, I guess I don't know what to write next. I've been kind of feeling cooped up in the house even though I was just gone for the weekend with Tim. It's been a bit of an adjustment having Caleb at school. I have a lot more time to myself in the afternoon since Sonya naps. I procrastinate though. My house could be sparkling clean -- dishes done, laundry all folded, toys picked up... but I do the bare minimum because I'd rather watch something on hulu or read a book or bake a pie! As my mom would say, my house looks "lived in." She hated that her mom had a pristine house and all of her dolls displayed in a glass case that no one could touch. So I don't mind that my house isn't perfect. I'd prefer it to have a few things out of place. Although it probably drives Tim nuts to think I wasn't being productive all day. That brings me to another thought. I feel like I could be doing more with myself. I could try to take an online Spanish class or adopt a grandparent at the nursing home. If only I wouldn't give up on myself before I start. 

Did you know that I'm a worrier? Yes, as in one who worries. I try my best to give it all to God, but sometimes Satan creeps in and gets the best of my mind. I worried a TON about my weekend away before it even started. What should I pack? What should I wear for the rehearsal? How should I do my hair? Which shoes do I need? Did I remember my toothbrush? How cold is it going to be? I made a list of what needed to be done so at least it wasn't all floating around in my head, but it didn't help much. My mom had never really watched both kids overnight before -- let alone two nights in a row. It was Sonya's second overnight without mommy and daddy. So I wanted to make sure they had enough food and that their overnight bags were packed for when they decided to drive over to grandma and grandpa's since Caleb still had school. Despite all my worrying, I only forgot a pair of jeans. I just wore my black pants so it wasn't the end of the world. Sonya survived with a little less sleep than she's used to, but it all ended well. I wish I didn't worry myself so much. It's like having a huge weight sitting in my stomach like a lump of lead. I almost need to be told what to do because I can't think for myself. Tim tried being helpful when I asked his opinion on stuff, but he's not a woman and basically said I looked good in anything I showed him. haha... men! or should I say husbands!

This is getting long. I guess I had more to write about than I thought. Once I get going, it's harder to stop. So I bid you all adieu for now and will be back soon with more thoughts from Michelle. :-)