Friends that Last

I've been on an "Ugly Betty" kick for a little while. I had watched episodes here and there when it was on TV, but missed quite a few because it was on while Caleb was awake and I chose to spend time with him. So when I saw the season DVDs at the library, I decided to watch every episode. I'm still not done yet. For some reason, they were missing season one so I have to look those up on hulu. But, the character of Betty seems quite familiar to me in a lot of ways.

Betty is very passionate about the people and things that she loves. She's punctual, responsible, and has a big heart. I couldn't see anyone not liking her. You know what though? Kids in high school and even her co-workers couldn't look past her appearance to see what she was actually capable of. The only reason she got her big chance at Mode magazine was because the owner didn't want his son, the editor, to be tempted by the secretary. In grade school and even parts of high school, I was far from popular and far from being stylish or "pretty". I was the shy, smart kid that did all her homework, listened to the teachers, and read a lot. I didn't have many friends, let alone good friends that have stayed with me up until this particular chapter of my life. The one thing that Betty had that I didn't was confidence. She saw past what others thought and was exactly who she wanted to be. I've always admired that quality.

One of the episodes that I watched made me question who my real friends are and why. Betty's friend/ex-boyfriend, Gio, didn't want to talk to her anymore mainly because she broke up with him. She couldn't understand why he was avoiding her. She tried apologizing and thought that would help them be friends again. It wasn't enough. Why should she try and repair a broken friendship with someone that didn't even want to talk to her anymore? Was she being selfish? Yes, a little bit. She couldn't stand the thought of someone hating her or disliking her. That's the part I can totally relate to. I've always drifted from one group of friends to another. It seemed like I was never good enough to be a friend or I was the one that kids turned to as sort of an adoptive friend when they were having problems with their current friend. Once they were fine again, I was the friend left in the dust. I strived so hard for them to like me only to be left on the wayside. Talk about a real confidence shattering. I didn't see friendships as a give and take relationship since I did all the giving and didn't experience much of the taking. I was "friends" with other kids for selfish reasons -- to feel needed and loved. I really thought they'd like me and that I could finally have a bosom friend like Anne of Green Gables. I was naive and thought that anyone could be friends with anyone else if they really wanted. It wasn't rocket science.

We all have a desire to be wanted. For me, I became someone else when I was around different people. I liked the things that they liked because I didn't want to lose their friendship. Instead, I lost my identity. Now, I have a lot of interests, but I wonder if they're really mine. I think so, but it's hard to tell. Who is Michelle Nikolai? Well, I'm still a bit of a dork or a geek. (Just ask Tim!) I like conversations that make me think. I love learning and would go to grad school in a heart beat if I could. I'm horrible at remembering names of books and movies. (I could watch or read something 5x and still be surprised in parts of the movie or book). I wear my heart on my sleeve even though I try to be strong. I'm better at communicating by writing than talking in person sometimes. I enjoy singing even though I could never make it past the auditions for American Idol. I love Jesus and try to be a better person everyday. I'm working on being a better friend. It's hard when I feel shut out though or when I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the friendship. In that sense, I don't think I'm being selfish anymore. I've made progress. I'm growing. Friendships are blossoming while others fade. I don't need to be the center of attention. I don't need to be popular. I just need to be there when you need me. That's what true friendship is all about. Thank you to all my friends out there that truly care and take the time to give and take. I love and appreciate each of you. :-)

Love,
Michelle