Overflowing thoughts...

So much on my mind lately ---

For some reason, I keep getting sucked in to Pinterest. There are so many great ideas out there on how to dress up your home. Instead of appreciating what I have and where I am, why is it that I still want something just a little bit better? I don't like that feeling -- the feeling that I'm being materialistic. When I think back to the time we were house hunting (a year and a half ago), I remember telling Tim that I was content with our apartment. So even if we didn't find a house right away, I knew that everything would work out and I'd be fine living in the apartment for a few years or more if that's what God wanted. Now that I have a house, I find myself "wanting" so much more. Is it because I have more space? Is it because I want to be "like everybody else"? It's probably both of those things along with the pressure from society and things like Facebook and Pinterest. While they're fun to see how everyone is doing, I can't help but feeling a twinge of jealousy at times along with feelings that I'm not good enough or my house isn't good enough. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if I don't have exactly what everyone else does. God has provided what I need and that's "enough" for me.

Moving on -- I've been trying to come up with ideas for a women's study at church. The leaders of our Moments for Moms group aren't able to do it this year in the same capacity as they did last year. One of them has moved out of state so she's not around to help. I've just had it on my heart for the past year to lead a study of some sort. I haven't fully decided who the target group should be -- just young moms - any age of moms - just women in general. It could even be a combo group where we split off into smaller groups depending on how many people come. The idea I have for the study is more topical -- trying to delve into those subjects that we all struggle with. Some of the topics might be more of reminders while others might turn into great revelations. Behind it all, my goal is to bring women together -- to open up to each other and make ourselves a little vulnerable so that we can learn more about each other and build even great bonds. It's kind of like marriage -- when I found Tim, I knew that by sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings, I was more susceptible to a greater hurt if things didn't work out... BUT I also knew that it was possible to find the greatest love that way too. I think this can carry over into friendships with women.

Anyway, my brain feels like it's on overload. I just can't get all my ideas to come together. So I'm just writing down thoughts to hopefully find a way to make sense of it. I've been praying too. Only God knows the names of the women that will make it into this study and He knows what they'll need to hear. I'm just a vessel  being used. I have to get over myself and remember that it's not about me or the success of this study -- it's about glorifying a wonderful God in all that I do.

Well, it's been a raining morning. We just watched three episodes of the Magic School Bus already and I should probably get a few things done. Adios for now.

I'm not good enough...

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I compare myself...

to other women -- moms, wives, friends.

I'm not good enough -- EVER!

Does this sound familiar? It's the story of my life. I'm pretty sure most women can relate. It's just that most of us don't want to admit that our life preservers have a hole in them and we feel like we're sinking. We talk about the good things that are going on in our lives and try to almost brag about all that we can do. It's like a silent competition to see who can do the most without going insane. While we try to be sincerely happy for our friends, we can't help but feel like we're not good enough.

What about those moms that act like Wonder Woman? You know the ones I mean -- they take care of the kids, they cook and clean, they're involved with the PTA, they get together with friends, they're on a sports team, they're part of a Bible study, and they have time for their husbands. From an outside perspective, their lives look so perfect (and overwhelmingly busy!). Those are the women that I tend to hold on a pedestal of sorts where I aim to be even just a fraction of who they are. Those are the women that make me feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, etc. That's when the chocolate comes out and small indulgences become more of a "must-have" in order to feel better about myself.

Is that really how we should be feeling though? I mean, seriously, as mothers/wives/friends/sisters/daughters -- we have a lot going on. There's not a really good way to compare ourselves fairly. We're all different.

Maybe we just need to change our perspective. Instead of thinking about what we're not doing, we should be thinking about what we are doing and remembering that it's all for the Kingdom. It's not for me or my kids or my husband, my family or my friends. It's all for God. Whoa! And you know what? God thinks you are exquisitely beautiful. You are worth pursuing as a friend and a wife. I mean, God is always there for a cup of coffee and a morning chat. He's there when the kids are fighting... again. He's there with those beautiful flowers growing in your yard (even if they might only be dandelions). He LOVES us. The colorful sunsets and starry nights should show us that God is pursuing us like a Lover. We are worth it -- we are good enough.

So the next time you're thinking that you don't measure up to someone else, get those crazy thoughts out of your mind. That woman is probably going through the same doubts as you. They're all lies though. We are MORE than good enough for God. I'm so thankful that I don't need to do anything special to catch His attention, I already have it. How awesome is that?

Significant Glory

As a Christian, I know that God has great plans for my life. However, I often interpret this as, "I'm going to make this amazingly huge impact on the Christian world." I'm often disappointed by the insignificance of all I do instead of feeling content in knowing that it's all for Jesus.

Yesterday, we were talking about a related topic during ABF. Some of our church members had gone to Belize and so a discussion arose in how one of them didn't feel that God used them to their capacity during the mission trip.

This got me to thinking of how God uses us and how we always want a piece of the big, old glory pie or we just want the whole pie to ourselves. It's so easy to forget that we're being used by God on a daily basis even in those everyday tasks that seem insignificant to us -- saying or waving "hello" to someone in passing, picking up that stray piece of garbage lying by the road, spending time with my kids, writing a short note to a friend. All of those things are seen by God and are being used in ways that we can only imagine.

Now, for a change in attitude. I know that all I do can and is being used by God -- anything big, small, or in-between. And I know that God gets the glory in all of it. I just need to stop being selfish by harboring some of that glory and acknowledge Him in all that I do.


God's truth: Insignificant actions don't exist. Do you know why? It's because even the smallest of tasks in God's world results in more than significant amounts of glory to Him, to Abba. Amen!

Pray for me

I have a confession -- I haven't been very good at getting into the Word every day. I think the last time (other than church) was over a month ago. While I know that's not the end of the world and that God will still love me, I can't help but feeling like I'm letting Him down and letting myself down. I can tell when I haven't been reading. My relationship with my family isn't the same. I'm not as happy of a person and I feel so distant from God.

Yet, it's by God's grace that He brushes me off and puts me back on my feet again. All I need is a chat with Him to put me back in the right direction. Why do I continue to keep putting off that conversation? Is it because I'm afraid of facing Him? I have all sorts of excuses for not reading -- no time, just not in the mood, I'd rather do something else, I forgot, I got distracted, I really meant to..... They sound pretty weak to me. I can only imagine what God is thinking.

Today, I could definitely tell that I've been a little too slack with reading my Bible. It's when I let space get between myself and God that I feel more alone, depressed, not good enough, and out of the loop. I was questioning a few friendships and whether or not I was just imagining them or if they were real. I've felt like maybe I've been trying too hard and now they're distancing themselves from me. I'm probably just imagining things. I've always been a little paranoid that people hate me for some reason. (Maybe "hate" is too strong of a word, but that's what I get in my head). I guess that's what happens when you have a childhood of being shy and the other kids always teasing you or talking behind your back.

I need to be praying for Tim and the kids more often too. I can tell because we've been arguing more with each other. The kids just aren't listening as well and Caleb is just talking back so much lately.

If you read this, please pray for me -- pray for endurance and patience, pray for peace, pray that I find more time with Lord throughout the day... that I make Him a priority. Thank you!

Well, I better go -- I'm hearing yelling and thumping again. I can only imagine what that might mean.

A Michelle Day

I had desperately been needing a day all to myself. Sometimes you just have to do it no matter how much you might love your family.

So when the April work weekend for Camp Grow came up, I decided to go alone. It'd be easier without the kids under foot anyway and I really needed some personal Michelle time. After my date with Tim on Friday night, I decided to just drive to camp already instead of trying to get up really early the next morning to do it since I'm a far cry from a morning person. The two hour drive there was peaceful and quiet. It gave me a lot of time to think and pray. I haven't felt that close to God in a while. Prayer time at home is often interrupted -- I usually need to write my prayers out or even just say them out loud.

Well, I prayed and sang for a good hour. My already fading voice got even more raspy, but it was worth it. God always knows what we need.

The last few miles to camp required a little more focus as all the nightlife was out and about. Some of the animals almost seemed to be waiting for me to come along. I hit a raccoon. He was asking for it while hiding in the shadows while I was paying more attention to his brother running off into the field. The deer were playing chicken in the road. I'm so glad I grew up in deer country or I might not have slowed down in the areas where I would've normally wanted to cruise.

By the time I got to camp, my head was throbbing -- I had hoped my migraine would be gone by now. It was 11 o'clock at night and no one seemed to be in the lodge and didn't want to wake anyone up by the director's house so I just went to bed. An hour later, I woke up to sounds of fire crackers and then the camp's golf cart. I just sat there listening as footsteps pounded down the hall and door creaked open and shut. My migraine was completely gone -- a small miracle in my eyes.

The next day, I woke up before my alarm. Instead of just lying in bed and thinking about falling back to sleep, I actually got up right away. I was ready for a day of hard work. It was nice to feel productive in a way that wasn't directly benefiting me. Cleaning up all the old shingles from a roofing project was way more satisfying that picking up the kids' toys only to know that they'd be strewn across the floor again in a matter of hours. While I prayed the night before, I asked God to just give me a servant's heart for the work weekend. I was fairly certain that I would be one of the only girls and was having a hard time coping with the fact that I might be stuck doing kitchen duty -- cleaning, making meals, doing dishes, etc.

God was faithful -- Even though I was the only girl until noon on Saturday, I was able to help outside and get my hands dirty. It was definitely what I needed. I only wish that I could've stayed longer to do more. Everywhere I looked, it seemed like something else needed to be done. I guess I've missed camp even more than I thought. It's like one of my homes away from home. Now I wish I hadn't let so many years go by before I went back, but that's another story. 

The Harvest is Plenty

A few weeks ago, my mentor said that she had been reading about the parable of the sower. I never really dug deep into that passage before so it was quite an eye-opener to try and think about which type of believer I am. The first type of soil represents one who hears God's Word, but doesn't believe and is not saved, but the other three types of soil signify believers that are in different walks of their faith. One hears God's Word and is excited at first, but nothing takes root and they fall away during times of testing. Another hears God's Word, but they are distracted by the things of this world and just never mature in their walk with Christ. The last soil is the good stuff -- the type that I pray I am planted in. I want to grow and learn and produce a crop. Sometimes I think that I'm living up to that expectation of bearing fruit by ministering to other people and sharing God's Word.


But... then I'm reminded that my children learn by my example and I still have an important role in teaching them as well as the kids in our Sunday School class. I have to help with planting and make sure the rocks are thrown aside, the weeds are pulled, and that these kids will eventually yield a bumper crop of new believers.

^{Luke 8: 4-15}

⁴ While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”

   When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

 ⁹ His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰ He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,

   “‘though seeing, they may not see;
   though hearing, they may not understand.’

   ¹¹ “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.


After reading the passage above, I pray that you find yourself  longing to be planted in the rich soil -- longing to bear fruit and to stand strong in your convictions -- that you don't just give in to the ways of the world when times get tough -- and that you take root in God's Word. The harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. 

If Only

For those of you that have "If Only" days......

If only I was smarter.
If only I was prettier.
If only I had that hair.

If only I had a bigger vehicle.
If only I had that contraption for the kitchen.
If only I had that laptop.
If only I had that bedroom set.
If only my house was a bit bigger.
If only I had that talent.
If only I had more money.


If only I didn't feel so tired.
If only I cleaned more often.
If only I called that friend.
If only I didn't waste so much time.


If only I knew God's word better.
If only I was more generous.
If only I was more forgiving.
If only I was a better parent.

If only .....


-- The list could go on. I just thought it was good to get all of these "if only's" out of my system. It was funny that I wrote the list yesterday afternoon and then last night, we talked about contentment in our mom's group. How can we teach contentment to our children if we're not content ourselves? God has blessed our family with so much yet the world around us demands that we mold ourselves into our neighbor and want what they have.

I often think I'm content at least when it comes to most material items -- I'm really good at window shopping, but have a hard time parting with money if it's something that I absolutely do not need and can live without. Today, for instance, I was in a thrift store and saw some plain pink sheets that would work for Sonya's bed. They were only $3. I could've bought them, but then I thought to myself that we have plenty of twin sized sheets at home. Most of them are green or have trucks on them, but they fit and no one really sees them anyway. Besides, Sonya might graduate to a queen sized bed at some point so that we can use her room as a guest room sometimes too. Then we'd have no use for the pink sheets anymore.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I have to admit that I desire what others have sometimes (as you can read from my list above). Even though I don't go out on a spending spree, the discontent is still in my heart. I told the girls last night that I've been wanting a van, but both of our cars are in working order and we only have two kids at home so we don't really need a van right now. It was especially hard for me to turn down the offer of a van from Tim's parents this past weekend -- they are selling theirs for a family discounted price. But, the timing wasn't right for us so said "no."

Anyway, all I know is that sometimes we feel like we're lacking in something. The truth is that God accepts us exactly the way we are. He knows us better than we know ourselves and He blesses us in ways that are both visible and invisible. So when I'm going through my "if only" phase, I remind myself of these truths. For the areas that aren't as tangible, I my work cut out for me, but that doesn't mean I'm a terrible person, a terrible friend, or a terrible parent. I just have to rely more on God to work through me and He will satisfy me in all ways of contentment.