No wonder we're lonely

I struggle so much with technology. It's supposed to help us stay better connected, right? I think in some ways, technology serves that purpose. But, there are just so many forms of communication out there right now that I feel like that even though communication is more frequent, the content is so surface-based. Relationships are becoming more hollow and less genuine.

I almost never know the best way to contact someone because there are so many forms of communication.

One friend prefers texting

Another prefers hearing my beautiful voice on the phone

Others are easier to contact via Facebook posts or private messages

Then there's email - (Which email address should I send it to?)

Maybe I should send them an instant message through gmail, yahoo, AOL, hotmail, etc..

Oh yeah... they have a blog too!

It's like I'm being stretched across all forms of communication just so I can stay in touch with people. Instead of making me feel more connected, I'm feeling disconnected. No wonder I feel lonely despite communication being at my fingertips.

I yearn for real relationships -- ones that aren't hidden behind the faces of technology. Thankful that God sustains me through the few friendships that I have. I just need to stop dwelling on the other relationships that haven't come to fruition.

Peace and Contentment

People have been praying for me. I can tell. God has given me an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment right now. I don't feel worried about the things that had me feeling anxious before.

On a normal day, I'm a chronic worrier and I want to solve the world's problems. I worry about my family and my friends thinking that if I worry enough for them, they won't have to. I guess I try to take it all on myself instead of letting God just take it all instead. But when I do that, I'm doing no one a favor and I'm definitely not trusting the Lord when I should be.

Leading up to this past weekend, I wanted to really be a blessing to Tim's family as they are going through some trials right now. Mostly, I just wanted to bring a meal and some other goodies so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking as much. I was trying to be strong for them even though I was also feeling sad about the situation. Instead of dealing with my feelings though, I just hid them behind a smile and laughter. I attempted to be upbeat and positive. While it was probably what they all needed, it was exhausting in some respects.

Yesterday though, at a time when I most needed it, I felt at peace about it all. God was in control again and all was well in the world. Well, I should say that the trials are still there with Tim's family. I'm just realizing again how our time on earth is but a wave tossed in the ocean. So the weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders, it's on the shoulders of my heavenly Father.

To my friends - thank you so much for your prayers.

Feeling Distant...

I've been feeling anti-social and also feeling distant from God lately. I'm sure the two are related.

There's an anger just burning in my heart, weighing me down. It stems from the anger I feel at the world and all of its materialistic ways. It stems from the injustice I see around me. It stems from having to stay put when I want to know the answers and I want to just fly.

This anger is consuming me, yet it comes and goes. My fuse is so short as my kids and husband can readily agree. I hate how I feel after yelling. I just hate feeling like this in general. I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. And I'm certainly not acting like a child of God.

What do I do next? I'm not sure. I try to pray the best I can, but God continues to get my leftovers. I honestly just don't want to make time for Him right now. My head keeps playing games with me while my heart yearns to reconnect with my Abba. I know I need to find Him again and I know I don't even have to look that far. He's right there.

Why do I doubt? Why do I let the ways of the world get the better of me and let this anger creep into my heart? I'm supposed to be a Christian. I'm supposed to know that God has it all under control. He has a plan for all of this. The waiting makes me weary though.

Sometimes, I try to describe these thoughts out loud to other people, but I wonder if they truly understand. It's so hard to pour out my heart. It's hard to just be vulnerable. So here I am... just laying it all out there on the table. This is me right now. Real and raw.

Life: A Balancing Act

January is almost over. I can hardly believe it!

The other day, I was reading a book to prepare for a Bible study that I'm in. The author mentioned that she had two jars -- one was filled with rocks and the other 3/4 filled with sand. The rocks represented her time with the Lord and the sand was all the things she had to do during the day. If you put the sand in the jar first, you have a hard time getting all the rocks to fit, but if you put the rocks in first, the sand fits into all those crevices around the rocks without overflowing out of the jar.

This was a great visual for how we can balance our lives. If we neglect to spend time with Jesus as our top priority, we'll have a hard time fitting Him into our lives. On the other hand, if we put Him first, He'll give us what we need to get all those other things done in addition to spending time with Him. 

It's like the story of Martha and Mary from Luke 10:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I can truly relate to Martha. I always want to make sure everything is done. "First, I'll do the laundry and then I'll be able to have more time to study God's Word." But, the reality is that the more things I end up doing, the more I see that needs to be done before I have that extra time. By the end of the day, I realize I haven't even talked to God much outside of a quick prayer for patience so I can get through my day. Sometimes, when I do have a moment, I see myself going back and forth on whether I should read my latest Christian fiction or should I sit down with my Bible. The latter usually ends up staying on my bookshelf. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I still struggle with that. Thank goodness for God's grace, right?

So I really want to strive to be more like Mary. I don't want to miss out on what God has in store for me today. I want to hear His words of love and encouragement. I want to feel that wonderful joy as I'm doing my daily tasks. I don't want to feel burdened by all the work I need to do during the day. 

In the end, I know that both roles are good to have, but there's beautiful about being able to balance our work and daily lives along with sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to Him.

Turning 30...

Yesterday, I celebrated another decade of being on this earth. I turned the big 3-0. For some reason, 30 sounded so much older than 29. I'd be closing a chapter of my life and moving on. My twenties were pretty exciting -- a lot of firsts for me. I think that was maybe the reason that I felt sad to leave that particular decade. There were so many great memories and as I keep getting older, those memories have started to fade as I make new memories.

In my twenties, I .....
- ordered my first real drink at a bar.
- lived in North Dakota for a summer and made many lasting friendships.
- became acquainted with Camp Grow and met many new people.
- lived in Costa Rica for a semester.
- went salsa dancing for the first time.
- graduated from college.
- started my first real job as an adult. (HSA Bank!)
- started a family (married the love of my life and had babies)
- found a home church.
- learned to play guitar.
- bought a house.
- stood up in a friend's wedding.
- traveled to Colorado on a family trip.
- co-led a women's Bible study
- took a Zumba class.
- played on a kickball team for a summer
- ran my first 5K race (high school cross-country races don't count)
- I really started to grasp who God was and grow stronger in my faith.

I could probably keep going. (maybe if I think of it, I'll add more later). Happy Birthday to me!

Beauty from within

This verse really spoke to me today because I'm constantly thinking that my outward appearance is more important than it should be. I am tempted by society to believe that I'm not beautiful because I'm not wearing certain clothes or my hair isn't done the right way. God's truth brings me back to reality:

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.
The Lord does not look at the things people look at.
People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7 NIV)

Reflection -- Sonya and I were watching Veggie Tales "Sweetpea Beauty." That's where I got the verse from. A girl had been concerned about her braces and glasses and being accepted. They used the stories of Cinderella and Snow White (and some creative liberties) to focus on inner beauty and what God sees in our heart. 

Why does society tell us that we need to fit Hollywood's standards of beautiful? We look in a glass mirror to see ourselves when we should be using God as our mirror. He's the one that sees us as we truly are - broken, loved, beautiful, His children. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

When I set my eyes on God, the Light of Him shines through. My heart is reflected in my outward appearance and I feel beautiful. Guess what? We can all be beautiful - and that's a beautiful thing. 

Why two different schools?

I can't believe how big my little girl has gotten! Sonya started 3yr Preschool today. It's been a joy watching her grow and learn at home. Now, I'm excited from her to do more of that at school and church. On the first day of school for the main campus of OCS, they had Chapel. So Sonya and I went. The principal, Mrs. Austin, was talking about the cord of three strands (from Ecclesiastes) and how important it is for our children to learn at home, school, and church. Since we want to bring our kids up knowing who God is and not being afraid to share their faith, we are so blessed to have the opportunity to send Sonya to the OCS preschool program.

I love that Ozaukee Christian School (OCS) is a small school because the families there really get to know each other. The class sizes are small which is a huge advantage for learning. The teachers invest a lot of time into the kids both inside and outside of the classroom. They pray for their students and teach the kids how to live more like Jesus by reading the Bible, knowing more about God, and by praying. The school environment is so loving that I already feel like a part of OCS and am excited to be a part of it all.

Caleb started 2nd grade at Lincoln Elementary school this year. It's a public school right across the street from our house. He has been going there for the past two years already and feels comfortable. He really doesn't adjust to change very well and since we hadn't really talked too much about switching schools, we decided to just keep him at Lincoln for now. Caleb's good friends go there and all the teachers are great so far. There are also many more opportunities for Caleb to witness to unbelievers. (He invited friends to AWANA and talks about Jesus on the playground - SO proud of him). Another factor that I can't rule out is that the cost of a public school is significantly less than a private school.

As the school year progresses, I'm sure we will have many discussions on where we should continue Caleb and Sonya's educations. For now, I think we are right where God needs them to be. Who knows? I might become a home school mom someday. :-)