So, I've been talking with my supervisor to figure out if I want to continue working when Caleb starts 4k. I have been wanting to stay at home with my little man for a while. Now that we have two kids, I want to be at home even more. It's not even the fact that daycare is a bit expensive. I just need to have the special time with my children while they're still little. They need their mommy. Plus, they won't be my babies for too long and I want to enjoy it while it lasts. Some day, they'll be teenagers and won't even want to spend time with me anymore.
Anyway, going back to my job..... I had been quite torn on whether or not I wanted to try doing part-time from home. I wasn't given an exact offer or anything, but they wanted to work with me since they felt I was a very valuable employee. Heck, I've done everything from training other employees to translating big chunks of the website into Spanish to helping test new technology and even assist with designing the new 1-pg application. I can see that they wouldn't want me to leave. In fact, most days, I like my job... or at least I used to like it more. Maybe it's the anticipation of not working anymore that makes it harder for me to leave the house in the morning. I just miss cuddling with my baby in the morning and spending time with Caleb all day while I was on maternity leave. I had a lot more energy for my family then.
The part-time, working from home opportunity was very appealing, but I just kept picturing my life becoming even more hectic as I tried to shuttle Caleb to and from 4k and then have both kids in daycare while I'm actually working. It'd be cheaper to work in the mornings while Caleb was in school and Sonya is at daycare because then we'd only pay for 1 kid vs. 2. Then, it probably wouldn't even be worth it to try and work 10 hours a week. Also, I didn't think it would be fair to give either my family or my job less than 100% so I had to make a decision. I had been praying about it for months and then all of a sudden, I realized that my priorities had changed when I went back to work after maternity leave. God had always been the center, then came family (and close friends), and lastly there was work. But, I was noticing that work was consuming my thoughts since the majority of my time during the week is spent at work. Then I was thinking how I didn't see my kids and husband because of work. God seemed to be on a back-burner.
It became clear to me that God needed to be #1 in my life again and that's how I decided to be.... a full-time stay-at-home mom starting in September!!!! :-) I'm excited, but a little nervous on how everything will work out. It'll be nice to get stuff done around the house and have a little more time to myself to blog or play music or maybe even paint! I'll be able to spend some time with friends and other moms. Hopefully I can even get a nap or two in during the week so that I'm more fun to be around when Tim gets home! Above all, I'll be able to focus more on God and get involved with some sort of ministry again. God is good and he definitely spoke to me while making this decision. I just had to open my heart and listen. I'm so glad I did. :-)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Heaven.... or the "other place"
So, I started reading the first book of the Left Behind Series. I'm not going to lie. It freaked me out a little bit to realize how close we might be to the Tribulation and that there are many of my loved ones that might get "left behind." Now, I'm stuck wondering how I can reach all those people. I wish that it wasn't outside my comfort zone, but the urgency to spread God's message is REAL. What do I do next? I can't just let my faith be mediocre so I can blend in with "everyone else." I need to stand out as someone that other people are wondering, "What does that girl have that I want, but don't have?"
On a scale from 1-10, how certain are you that you'd go to heaven if you died tomorrow?
That's the question I was asked one summer about 9 years ago. I figured I was an 8 or 9 on the scale. My reasoning was that I never killed anyone, didn't do drugs, and was a relatively good person. I never even thought that anyone could be 100% sure that they were going to heaven because that's for God to decide.
Now, if someone asked me the same question today, I'd say 10. You want to know why? It's clearly laid out in the New Testament. One of the resources that Campus Crusade for Christ uses is a pamplet called the Four Spiritual Laws. I urge you to check out the link to learn more if you are still struggling and have not yet committed yourself to a "10" (or even if you want a helpful resource to make it easier to share this message with friends). It made me understand how my sin separated me from God and that I really needed Jesus to bridge that gap. I can't say that I'm a perfect Christian. No one is. A combination of God's grace and my faith sustains me through the days when I have doubts. I'll just leave you with a verse:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
On a scale from 1-10, how certain are you that you'd go to heaven if you died tomorrow?
That's the question I was asked one summer about 9 years ago. I figured I was an 8 or 9 on the scale. My reasoning was that I never killed anyone, didn't do drugs, and was a relatively good person. I never even thought that anyone could be 100% sure that they were going to heaven because that's for God to decide.
Now, if someone asked me the same question today, I'd say 10. You want to know why? It's clearly laid out in the New Testament. One of the resources that Campus Crusade for Christ uses is a pamplet called the Four Spiritual Laws. I urge you to check out the link to learn more if you are still struggling and have not yet committed yourself to a "10" (or even if you want a helpful resource to make it easier to share this message with friends). It made me understand how my sin separated me from God and that I really needed Jesus to bridge that gap. I can't say that I'm a perfect Christian. No one is. A combination of God's grace and my faith sustains me through the days when I have doubts. I'll just leave you with a verse:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Too many thoughts in my head....
1) My employer doesn't want me to leave because I'm a valuable employee to the company so they're trying to work out a way so I can work from home and maybe even parttime. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It would be kind of hard to try and juggle the kids around with work since Caleb starts 4K in the fall; just mornings 4 days a week. So I'd have to figure out a way to do daycare because the kids couldn't be at home while I'm working and then shuffle Caleb to school too. Even though there are lots of days where I don't like going to work, I really do like the people I work with and I have lots of things I'd still like to do at the bank before I leave. Our new supervisor is really doing a great job to make people feel like their work is really contributing to the company and that she will work to help get them any deserved promotions. (I won't lie, I've had opportunities to move up before... just chose not to pursue them because the hours didn't fit well with my family... and if you know me, my family comes first (well right after God). :-)
2) A good friend might be moving away.... hoping it doesn't happen, but not sure how to prepare myself for it. I feel for her and her family. A job opportunity is within their reach... yet they had just started growing their roots here and settling down. Praying that God makes it clear where He wants them to be. I guess I was secretly hoping we'd live near each other for a long time... become old ladies and eventually grandmas together.
3) I feel like a lazy bum who hasn't been exercising much lately. I don't even feel motivated to get anything done. So jealous of my friends that make time to work out every week. *sigh* I know I don't really have any weight to lose, but I'm not as fit and healthy like I should be. And yes, I have love handles just like any other woman out there. One of these days, I'm going to get my energy back.... maybe once I quit my job? (which goes back to the question of whether or not I should even figure out a way to stay at my job or not)
4) I missed the sun during the past few gray and gloomy days. Maybe that's why there's still a gray cloud over my head. I'm just one of those people that needs sunshine... and LOTS of it. I need to get an attitude adjustment or something so that I can get out of my slump. I'm kind of a crabby person to be around at home. Not very fun. :-(
That's all for now.... I'm not even sure what I'm really thinking anymore. Too many thoughts in my head....
2) A good friend might be moving away.... hoping it doesn't happen, but not sure how to prepare myself for it. I feel for her and her family. A job opportunity is within their reach... yet they had just started growing their roots here and settling down. Praying that God makes it clear where He wants them to be. I guess I was secretly hoping we'd live near each other for a long time... become old ladies and eventually grandmas together.
3) I feel like a lazy bum who hasn't been exercising much lately. I don't even feel motivated to get anything done. So jealous of my friends that make time to work out every week. *sigh* I know I don't really have any weight to lose, but I'm not as fit and healthy like I should be. And yes, I have love handles just like any other woman out there. One of these days, I'm going to get my energy back.... maybe once I quit my job? (which goes back to the question of whether or not I should even figure out a way to stay at my job or not)
4) I missed the sun during the past few gray and gloomy days. Maybe that's why there's still a gray cloud over my head. I'm just one of those people that needs sunshine... and LOTS of it. I need to get an attitude adjustment or something so that I can get out of my slump. I'm kind of a crabby person to be around at home. Not very fun. :-(
That's all for now.... I'm not even sure what I'm really thinking anymore. Too many thoughts in my head....
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Who is in control?
Yesterday, I took a stress survey that is available through my work's insurance. I realized that even though I'm relatively calm about things, I bottle up a lot of stress and emotion. I worry about a LOT! All of my little worries and insecurities just build up until I wear myself down physically.
You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.
Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.
Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.
If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.
A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.
Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.
You'll never believe it, but I'm constantly paranoid that people are judging me. If I get a bad vibe from someone, it makes me feel all anxious like I need to prove myself to them. That just adds to the worry and makes me seem very insecure. Maybe this is a selfish way to think, but I don't know how to get over it. It's especially hard to talk to people that, in my opinion, are being fake nice. I absolutely can't stand it! I want to say that I have very good perception and know when someone is being sincere or not, but now I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia kicking in.
Another thing is that I compare myself to practically everyone and always find a fault with myself. So in a sense, I worry that I'm just not good enough. I'm not a great mom/wife that can balance work and household chores and everything else like so-and-so. I'm not as creative as I used to be and get a little jealous when someone one up's me and I just don't have the time for a little friendly competition. Instead, I just let that feeling eat away at me and absorb my thoughts while trying to find a way to be better... somehow.
Who is really in control? Am I letting my worries take over and hide the real me? I wish I wasn't so obsessed by what everyone thinks of me. I wish I could just let go of those negative feelings that some people generate when I'm around and just be a changed person.... a person that everyone wants to be around... a person that someone wants to share their worries with and help lessen my own burdens sometimes.
If you don't know me well, I'm a very passionate and emotional person. I love to be that listening ear and feel like I'm needed. I sympathize and do my best to give good advice and encouragement. When I feel like I've truly touched someone, my emotions overflow and tears of joy well up in my eyes (even though I try to wipe them away and blame them on allergies). I love people. I live for human interaction. That's probably why I get so stressed out when I don't feel like my opinions matter much and that I'm just having a conversation with a wall sometimes.
A lot of my stress is work-related. You know what? When I was on maternity leave, I slept the best sleep that I've slept in a while and I was maybe a little tired here and there, but never really sick. The whole pumping at work and not being able to stay in touch as much with my friends makes it so hard to be positive all the time. It wears me out and runs me down.
Well... that's enough negative talk. I'm just going to do some good praying tonight and let God take the reigns for now. Peace out.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Grace Like Rain
Over the weekend, I created a new blog, "Grace Like Rain" where I plan to continue my personal story. I already moved the previous entries from "Like a Sunflower" to there so it all flows together easier. Since it's starting to get closer to the part of my life that is a lot more private, I've decided to make that blog invite only. Don't worry, there's not a new post out yet for it. I haven't had much time to really think the next one through, but have lots of notes and little disconnected paragraphs started. So once things are up and running, I'll set up the invites. If you're interested in continuing to read about my journey, let me know so I can add your email to the list. (I'll still post entries like normal in "Like a Sunflower," but save the most personal bits for the new blog.)
I chose "Grace Like Rain" as a title because God's grace has covered me so many times especially when I've gone down the wrong paths. I'm a sinner just like anyone else out there. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I hold these deep dark secrets that I'm just bursting to tell the world, but am afraid that people will think of me differently. Maybe the secrets aren't as "dark" as I might think they are, but I feel that by sharing more about myself, you'll understand me a little more. Here's to "The Journey ..."
Thanks to all of you that have been reading thus far!
I chose "Grace Like Rain" as a title because God's grace has covered me so many times especially when I've gone down the wrong paths. I'm a sinner just like anyone else out there. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I hold these deep dark secrets that I'm just bursting to tell the world, but am afraid that people will think of me differently. Maybe the secrets aren't as "dark" as I might think they are, but I feel that by sharing more about myself, you'll understand me a little more. Here's to "The Journey ..."
Thanks to all of you that have been reading thus far!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Time flies by...
I haven't have much time to blog lately .... sorry to my readers. I know you're looking forward to the next parts of my "story."
Work was really tough on Monday. I wanted to cry all day, but I made it through the week. By Friday, I wasn't even thinking about the kids much and felt like I was getting things accomplished. It probably helps knowing that the end is in sight.
We had a blast yesterday despite Caleb's moodiness lately. I don't know what to do with the boy. Hopefully it's just him adjusting to going back to daycare and not being at home with mommy all the time. We went to lots of parks and were outside a ton. Now, he's begging us... or rather.. "telling" us we're going to the park.
Anyway... yesterday, we went to Green Bay for a birthday party for one of my co-worker's sons. The food was great and I got to talk to another co-worker's wife whom I haven't seen in a while. Since Caleb was getting antsy and didn't have any older kids to really play with, we left a little early to go to Tim's aunt and uncle's house which was about 10 minutes away.
The kids all ran around the yard chasing each other and tackling Tim. We grilled out for supper. The weather was absolutely PERFECT! After dinner, I braided Hana and Erin's hair. Then Amy and Fritz watched the kids while Tim and I went for a walk. It was nice to have some time without the kids... we actually could talk to each other! Tim still has a dream of buying two yurts and having some sort of a tunnel connecting them. (This is instead of buying a house).
While walking, we passed the Suamico Elementary school, where the girls go, and they had hurdles out by the soccer field. Let's just say... Tim was a kid again. He was trying to show off and did the hurdles while I watched. I attempted to do them, but my flip flops weren't the best shoes to do that. Towards the end of the walk, I was pretending that my feet hurt and made Tim give me a piggy-back ride.. for a few feet. lol... Then we raced that last block back to his aunt and uncles house. (He won.... but I blame it on the flip flops).
On our way home, Caleb clunked out so we stopped at McD's for a Reeses' McFlurry for me while I nursed Sonya one more time. I think we just crashed into bed as soon as we got home, which was 10:00pm. It was a long day... but fun!
Work was really tough on Monday. I wanted to cry all day, but I made it through the week. By Friday, I wasn't even thinking about the kids much and felt like I was getting things accomplished. It probably helps knowing that the end is in sight.
We had a blast yesterday despite Caleb's moodiness lately. I don't know what to do with the boy. Hopefully it's just him adjusting to going back to daycare and not being at home with mommy all the time. We went to lots of parks and were outside a ton. Now, he's begging us... or rather.. "telling" us we're going to the park.
Anyway... yesterday, we went to Green Bay for a birthday party for one of my co-worker's sons. The food was great and I got to talk to another co-worker's wife whom I haven't seen in a while. Since Caleb was getting antsy and didn't have any older kids to really play with, we left a little early to go to Tim's aunt and uncle's house which was about 10 minutes away.
The kids all ran around the yard chasing each other and tackling Tim. We grilled out for supper. The weather was absolutely PERFECT! After dinner, I braided Hana and Erin's hair. Then Amy and Fritz watched the kids while Tim and I went for a walk. It was nice to have some time without the kids... we actually could talk to each other! Tim still has a dream of buying two yurts and having some sort of a tunnel connecting them. (This is instead of buying a house).
While walking, we passed the Suamico Elementary school, where the girls go, and they had hurdles out by the soccer field. Let's just say... Tim was a kid again. He was trying to show off and did the hurdles while I watched. I attempted to do them, but my flip flops weren't the best shoes to do that. Towards the end of the walk, I was pretending that my feet hurt and made Tim give me a piggy-back ride.. for a few feet. lol... Then we raced that last block back to his aunt and uncles house. (He won.... but I blame it on the flip flops).
On our way home, Caleb clunked out so we stopped at McD's for a Reeses' McFlurry for me while I nursed Sonya one more time. I think we just crashed into bed as soon as we got home, which was 10:00pm. It was a long day... but fun!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sacred Marriage - Chapter 2: Finding God in Marriage
CHAPTER TWO: Finding God in Marriage - Marital Analogies teach us Truths about God
"How do you view God -- as master, or as husband?" Do I see God as the bridegroom that is repeatedly referenced in the Bible or just a supreme being who manipulates how the world should be? Is my relationship with Him as close if not closer than the marriage I have with my husband? As I was rereading through this chapter, I thought about when I first became a Christian. I was united with God in a way that is very similar to being united as one with my husband. Marriage isn't about a spouse taking God's place though. Instead, it's like a 3-way marriage. Each third is equally important for the success of the marriage.
"..God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution for the benefit of humanity. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to his own eternal spiritual existence." Of course I realized that marriage is not just about procreation, but I never really thought about marriage as a way to show me who God is. Sometimes my relationship with God is stagnant and I find it hard to find time to spend time with Him. What I'm learning is how I can use my marriage as a way to understand how to have a relationship with God and vice versa. It's amazing how many similarities there are. "As long as a couple is married, they continue to display -- however imperfectly -- the ongoing commitment between Christ and the church." What a beautiful image!!
So what exactly is the purpose of marriage? Ultimately, it is an instrument used to please God. Shouldn't we be living for Him in all that we do anyway? So why not in marriage too? Love and forgiveness are two main ideas that are continually expressed during any friendship or relationship with someone. I think in some ways, they can also be the most difficult to carry out at times.
"Strong Christian marriages will still be struck by lightning -- sexual temptation, communication problems, frustrations, unrealized expectations -- but if the marriages are heavily watered with an unwavering commitment to please God above everything else, the conditions won't be ripe for a devastating fire to follow the lightning strike."
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