Blessings through Raindrops?

This morning, I was listening to Pandora and stumbled across the song "Blessings." I've heard it before, but today I really focused on the words. We pray for blessings and peace, comfort, protection, healing and prosperity, to ease our suffering, for wisdom, to hear God's voice. We feel angry and frustrated when we feel like God has abandoned us. We doubt God and His love for us. We feel a distance between us and God and we want to blame Him for our troubles.

"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" - This really spoke to me. We go through many trials - BIG ones and smalls ones. Can you see God's mercy in them? Was He protecting you from something way worse? Did He bring you comfort and peace despite the sacrifices you had to make? Was He able to reveal His undying love for you and/or others? Those are such great mercies that we don't always see in the moment of trial. 

In the flood of the storm, we fight to hold our heads above the water when all we need to do is trust that God is going to pull us through. Shouldn't it be easier to just grab that rope and let Him pull us up out of the waters? Yet we hesitate. We want to be in control of our situations. We don't want to rely on others for help. It's only in the times where we feel broken and desperate that we truly cling to God. 

When everything is comfortable and going smoothly, we sometimes forget how much we need Jesus. I'm so guilty of that. It's easier to tell everyone how to live their lives when I'm not even following what I know to be the answers. The darkness tries to take over. I stumble through the shadows again. Where am I going, Lord? Where do you want me? I'm so lost and I need you. Yet, I continue wanting to rely on my own abilities. I want to blame God and let him take responsibility for all the unknowns. I keep walking through the darkness until I'm at the point of brokenness. My anger seems to be more in control than I am. It's not fair for me to feel guilty all the time and it's definitely not fair to take everything out on my family. I'm not even sure what the source of my anger is, but I'm like a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any second. -- and the bomb goes off several times a day lately.

If you read this blog, please pray for me. I'm just struggling right now with not knowing where God wants me as a leader in the church (Sunday school or womens' ministries). I'm struggling with feeling frustrated and angry with anything that's been going "wrong" according to my perfectionist vision. I get upset with my husband and kids a lot lately. I've been feeling alone even when I'm not alone. I feel unloved even though my head knows that I'm loved by my family and many friends. God feels far away and my passion for Him seems forced instead of that strong desire that used to be there. I'm in a funk and need to find my way out again. 

Writing seems to lift a lot of the heaviness off of my heart. But it's only a start.
Thanks for listening.
-M

Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings 
We pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Untangling my Life

Sometimes I have too much on my mind. I can't sift through it well enough to make it comprehensible on a blank sheet of paper (or a blog). Can't you just read my mind instead? You'd probably get lost in the jumble of my thoughts. It still wouldn't make sense. A giant spiderweb waiting to be untangled.

Writing is my therapy. It helps to unwind the threads that are my thoughts and roll it back into a sweet ball of yarn again.

What is it that I struggle with? What thoughts am I even talking about? Those questions float around in my head too!

The first thing that comes to mind -- I feel like I have all this passion inside of me to do something great, but I don't know what that is yet. I struggle with patience and waiting on what God wants me to do. In the meantime, I try to fill my time with busywork and dreaming. Maybe I read too many books -- I want to be the heroine who helps the town come together. I want to be the one that everyone comes to for advice. I want to travel. I want to leave a legacy. Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck in Kansas waiting to go to Oz....

Well, that's one thing slightly unraveled. I better get back to cleaning my house and spending time with my daughter. Until next time!

Trying new things... not exactly my forte

I don't like change or trying new things. I like being comfortable and staying within my comfort zone -- staying within that zone where I know it's something I can succeed at.

I don't mind trying new things at home where no one else will see if I screw up. I hate admitting that I made a mistake or that something didn't work out.

I always seem to have a desire to try something new, but almost always talk myself out of doing it.

For example: I wanted to take a Zumba class. I had myself psyched up to go and then during the last hour before it was time to go, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't going to do it perfectly. People were going to "judge" me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend money on a class. I kind of felt guilty doing something for myself and the thought of doing something new made me feel so anxious!!

So I decided to find a YouTube video and did Zumba at home in my living room. It was great! No criticism. I could do it whenever I found time and no one would see me make a fool of myself except my husband! haha

Anyway, after a few weeks of sticking with my Zumba video workout, I just didn't feel motivated to take the time and do it. I kept finding excuses and eventually wasn't working out at all.

So last night, I made a decision to go to Zumba. I was still on the fence trying to figuring out if I should really go or not. Then I remembered something that a friend said that their son learned from counseling -- Make a decision and stick with it. *whew!* Instead of making an empty commitment, I called up a friend that was in the class AND I called the instructor. This held me accountable to show up. Even though I still felt a little nervous, I was excited to try something new and was glad that I stuck with it.

I survived my first Zumba class and it was fun!! Now, I'm just a little sore today. haha

I'm hoping that through my attempts to try new things, I can teach my kids that it's ok to be afraid to try something new. But if they don't at least try it, they're never going to know if they'll like it or not.

Frustration becomes "Joy"

This morning was rough. Caleb was taking his sweet time getting ready this morning. He's awake before me, but yet I can eat, get dressed, get his lunch made, pack his backpack, and be ready way before him. Today was one of those really frustrating days of reminder after reminder to do this or that. Just as we're walking out the door, with 2 minutes until the last bell rings, Caleb says he needs to get his boots. He has been leaving his boots at school and has an extra pair at home so I really didn't understand why he was getting them especially with no time to spare. I found out that his boots at school went missing. I think someone stole them or hopefully they just got misplaced. Instead of being upset with the culprit, I became really upset with Caleb for not telling me sooner and just the fact that we were late didn't help with my mood.

So I walked him over to school.... or rather, I dragged him because he was walking so slow. Thank goodness he only has a half day today.

I came back home and was still really mad. I had to call Tim so I could try and calm down. It was pretty ridiculous that I let myself get so worked up about a small thing especially after I just taught on the topic of prayer last night at our Bible Study. Lord, I have a LOT of work to still do in my life. I took a moment to just cry. I felt horrible that I left Caleb at school where he was almost in tears. I definitely didn't handle that situation the way I should've.

While I was wallowing in my anger, God gave me a glimpse of joy that I needed this morning. Sonya and Ava, the girl I babysit, were having a tea party in the living room. As I watched, Sonya decided that they needed to pray before eating. It was so sweet and innocent and gave me a sense of peace that I was trying to find by browsing through Facebook posts instead of drawing near to my Father. What a wake up call! Then to make my day even brighter, Sonya was explaining what all of her foods were. She was just using empty Easter eggs. One of them was broccoli, one was a potato, and there was a new one that I've never heard her use before called "gock." I asked her what gock tasted like and she said, "It's kind of like peanut butter." I was cracking up inside. It was soooo funny! She proceeded to continue using the word. My heart filled with joy and happiness.

When Caleb gets home, I really owe him an apology for my actions. Hopefully we can find his boots. If not, I just pray that someone that really needed them has them. We are blessed to have an extra pair that Caleb can use for now and if we didn't have that, we have the money to buy new/used ones. Sometimes I forget about the blessings we have.

Thank you, Jesus for providing for our family beyond what we could've imagined.

Choosing Joy

Lately, I've been trying harder to choose joy in spite of whatever daily circumstances arise. It's tough though especially when the kids are fighting and not listening to me. It's tough when I just feel tired and cranky. But I have to push through it and just choose to be filled with joy. Only the Father can fill me up. I just have to be more diligent in going to Him every day to get filled with that wonderful joy before I can pour it out on others.

There are so many things all around me that keep reminding me to choose joy. A friend just did a blog post on it and it's actually her New Year's Resolution. The verses I've been reading in the Bible remind me. Friends with such positive outlooks on life and joyful attitudes remind me. I feel so blessed and encouraged that God would surround me with such support.

So today, I choose joy. It's a wonderful thing.

Oh, Praise Him!

Lord,

You know my heart and you know how to fill it. This past weekend, I was reminded again of how I need to go to you to be filled with your Spirit before I can continue pouring myself out in ministry. I was so empty and drained. I needed you. Thank you for provided that to me.

The women I met were such a blessing. You spoke through them this weekend and I was so blessed by that. You spoke through their words and you spoke through our worship. You even spoke through the silence. I could actually hear you instead of drowning out your words with the busyness of life.

Please help me to remember that I can't do it all on my own. I sometimes forget that and want to take the glory in working on your behalf. I'm so selfish and controlling. I'm judgmental. But you already know that. You know the depths of my soul. You know my longings and desires.

Thank you for breaking me and molding me into who you want me to be. I'm weak, but You are strong through me. I praise you, Lord for your unending love and devotion to me. You are truly an awesome God.

I just couldn't get enough of Jesus on my ride home. Usually, I struggle to put God right there in front of me, but the drive home was another blessing in and of itself. I wasn't distracted with other thoughts trying to push their way in. God was there and it was so peaceful. He gave me answers to some of the questions I have been asking. He told me to "Wait." Normally, I would continue to press Him to just tell me already. I hate waiting. I always try to fill my time with something to pass through the waiting period. This weekend though, I've been encouraged to just enjoy that silence and really listen and fellowship with my Father. I just need to keep Him as my first love in my life.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me your truth and for caring about me. I sometimes think that my troubles are nothing compared to others, but you just see me as Your Child, one who desires to know You and to love you. You want me; all of me. I surrender.

Give Me Faith -- Elevation Worship

I need You to soften my heart,

To break me apart.

I need You to open my eyes,

To see that You're shaping my life.

All I am,

I surrender.

Give me faith to trust what You say

That You're good, and Your love is great.

I'm broken inside, I give You my life.

I need You to soften my heart,

To break me apart.

I need You to pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me.

I may be weak, but

Your Spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, but

My God You never will.

This song really spoke to me this weekend. It's one of my new favorites. :-)

An eventful night = little sleep

Today was a good day. I was blessed with spending most of the day with friends and their kids. Plus, we were able to do a family worship time based on the study guide we got at the Generations study that our church is doing. I'm looking forward to being able to do that more often. Our kids loved it and the study made it more fun and interesting for them to participate.

Despite the good that happened today, I still felt a little tired and worn out from not getting as much sleep as I would've liked last night. I went to bed with a slightly throbbing head and jaw. I think my TMJ is just acting up lately for some reason. So I wasn't completely asleep when the storm scared the living daylights out of me with a huge crack of thunder. I usually sleep right through that stuff either because I'm so tired that I don't hear it or because the sound of rain pounding against the roof is so calming that I fall right back to sleep.

Anyway, we currently do not have curtains in our bedroom because they seemed to look nice in Sonya's room and she didn't have any. So the lightening kept flashing through the blinds and kept me awake.
Then the darn smoke detector decided that its batteries were running low. You know that chirping sound it makes? Yeah, it started chirping more frequently to the point where I just had to take the thing down. Although, it was in the middle of the night and I wasn't sure if it was the detector in Sonya's room, the hallway, or in our room. I didn't want to get out of bed. But.. I did. Then I got some tylenol.

I was finally fast asleep when Tim crawled out of bed and was checking on the sump pump. I started getting crazy ideas in my head that the house was going to start flooding since it seemed like it had been pouring buckets for hours outside. So I ran downstairs too to make sure everything was ok.

I kind of heard Caleb get up, but was so drowsy that I dozed off again. I guess he got scared during the storm and came in our room. Sonya must've too or she was calling for one of us. I don't remember hearing her at all, but Tim says she was up.

That was my night last night. I wanted to stay in my nice warm bed this morning and even hit snooze a few times before Sonya came in my room asking for breakfast. So I helped her and then tried to sleep for 15 minutes before getting Caleb up for school. I never drink coffee, but today I definitely had some. Thank goodness we keep it in the house for my parents and other guests! haha

So maybe I have a good reason for being cranky tonight. Instead of heading to bed early, I'm sitting here half-asleep trying to type. It sounded like a good idea. I think I was going to type about something else, but then all of this other stuff just spilled out. Oh well... maybe I'll remember tomorrow about what I meant to write about tonight.

Good night!