3/9/17 - Journal entry

Since the internet is not currently working, I’ve opened up a page in Microsoft Word to just type in for now. I haven’t written just to write in a long time. I’ve missed pouring out my heart and soul onto a page (albeit an electronic page).

Writing is a balm to my soul. All my feelings somehow get stuck inside me and I just never process them the way that I should. It’s not that I’m unfeeling. It’s that I feel too much that I don’t even know where to start. I sometimes start to desensitize myself as a way to protect myself. Instead, I’m left with feelings that are just sitting in a large bin like laundry waiting to be sorted.

My heart hurts for so many people and I want to solve all their problems. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of wisdom when it comes to finding solutions to problems. I’m not, however, good at remember sources and all the nitty gritty details. One friend is waiting to hear whether or not they can adopt a little girl that they’ve specifically fallen in love with. Another friend is struggling with parenting an adopted older child. Someone else is dealing with financial issues as they try to ensure their spouse is getting the care they need after a stroke. A friend has health issues exasperated by a pregnancy. Another friend has other health issues and has struggled with infertility. Another friend waits for her husband to come back to the Lord.

Then here I am, worrying about all those things while trying to juggle all of things in my life. I’m in a comfortable spot right now and feel guilty that these friends have to go through tough times. I know that some day, I’ll have similar struggles, yet I wonder why. Why do they have to be hurting while I’m doing ok? How can I help without feeling emotionally taxed? I have my own problems… mostly just anxiety. But anxiety seems like such a putzy small problem compared to possibly having to sell a house to make sure the bills are all paid. It seems so small compared to refugees fleeing their homeland only to feel unwelcome in the countries that they wish to enter.

The love of Jesus is not being shown by our country. We are so caught up in ourselves that we are blinded and can’t see our neighbors and what they need.  Again, how can I help? I want to… but I also need to take care of my emotional and mental health.

What else is there? So many things that I can’t even remember at this hour. Hoping this helps relieve some of the tension that has been building up. I just love Jesus and want to be a light. I want the people on my list to know who Jesus is. Lord, show me the way to best love them and teach them.

Amen.

The truth of anxiety

Below is something I wrote on Facebook the other day. I was a little scared to hit "post" because I wasn't sure what the reaction of people would be. I figured I might have one or two comments, but was amazed by how many friends and family came out of the woodwork to encourage me and share their own struggles with anxiety. So thankful for a heavenly Father who knew exactly what I needed and for giving me opportunities to connect with people that I don't know as well. Praise God!

------------------

Moment of truth: I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable and show "too much" emotion. It's mostly because I feel so deeply about things that it physically hurts sometimes. So I bury those thoughts and feelings and forget about them. Unfortunately, my body doesn't forget and I often feel the full effects of anxiety trying to paralyze me. My brain is telling me that I'm fine and I can handle things. I shouldn't be overwhelmed. But... My body doesn't always get that message. It wants me to process my thoughts and feelings. So, the results for me is that I've been having a lot of headaches and migraines lately along with extreme tension in my back, neck, shoulders, and jaw. There's even been a few times of borderline hyperventilating and my heart actually hurting.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing. I never know when it's going to attack, which puts me in a state of paranoia that leads to more anxiety. It's a crazy cycle. I've often been one to worry and stress out over things, but dealing with almost constant anxiety for three months straight is new for me. I've kind of felt a little crazy and ridiculous for feeling the way I do.

So I'm going to try and start writing more again. Journaling has always been a great outlet for processing my thoughts and I haven't been good about doing that regularly.

Anyway, I just want to thank my friends for talking me through things, cheering me on, and praying for me. I'm also so thankful for Tim. He's been amazing at helping with the kids and make dinner when I need to hide out in a dark and quiet room. Just last night, he and the kids wrote out all the things they love about me and sent them in an email for me to read after I got home from Bible study. I'm so blessed to have these warriors by my side. 💜

If you've ever struggled with anxiety, you're not alone. We just have to encourage one another, talk through life, and keep on turning to the Lord in prayer and in scriptures. We can do this!!

-----------------------------

A comment that I wrote in my post:

Wow! Thank you everyone for your kind comments and love. I wasn't expecting so many of you to respond. Today was a good day. I can always tell when I have people praying for me. :-) Mostly, I just wanted to stop hiding behind a fake smile and show what my reality looks like. I know so many people deal with anxiety too and thought they could benefit from knowing they're not alone. We just don't always know how to talk about it in a way that makes sense to those that have never experienced anxiety in the same way as we do.

Anyway, I'll leave you all with one of my favorite Bible verses that helps when I'm feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders:

"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon me and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

A Psalm - Daughter of the King

Sometimes it's hard to hear the quiet whisper of Truth, the voice of Jesus, while the world is SHOUTING at us, "You deserve this!" and "This is your right!"

Ladies (and men!), I encourage you to be still and listen to His voice today. You are loved by an amazing God who cares SO deeply for you! Here's a psalm I wrote this morning that I wanted to share. It's rough and raw, but it's my heart.

A Psalm - Daughter of the King

When pride and selfishness rear their ugly heads
and I want to be in control,
God whispers quietly into my ear,
"Daughter, I made everything. I know what's best for you.
Trust me."

When envy takes me outside my contentment zone,
He gently reminds me,
"Daughter, I have given you all that you need.
Trust me."

When I'm feeling lost and have no direction,
the Father tells me,
"Daughter, be patient. I know the plan and my plan is good.
Trust me."

When I feel discouraged and alone,
He says,
"Daughter, You are NEVER alone for I am always with you.
Trust me."

When my critical spirit dominates my day,
My Lord teaches me,
"Daughter, follow me in all that you do and say.
Trust that my way is good."

When I feel consumed by pains and hurts of the past,
God comforts me,
"Daughter, forgive them again as I have forgiven you.
Let me be your all in all."

When I doubt my abilities and my beauty,
He encourages me,
"You are the daughter of a King.
I made you. You are wonderful and you are beautiful."

More Commonalities that We Probably Knew...

We may disagree on many things, but there's always the common denominator of the things we CAN agree on.....


We may disagree about how many troops should be overseas right now, but we can agree that we all want peace and don't want our friends and family being put in the middle of deadly wars.

We may disagree about how to create jobs and boost the economy, but we can agree that we want everyone that is able to work to have a job that allows them to take care of themselves and their families.

We may disagree about the details of education, but we can agree that we all want our children to have access to a world class education with teachers that really care about their students.

We may disagree about Obamacare, but we can agree that everyone should be covered under affordable insurance and have access to amazing doctors and technology.

We may disagree about how the deadlines and mandates put on businesses to produce clean energy, but we can all agree that we want to reduce emissions, reduce the price of energy, and create an environment that is sustainable and clean for the future generations.

We may disagree about a woman's choice and the choice of a baby inside a mother's womb, but we agree that the we need to work together to increase support & resources to reduce unintended pregnancies and ultimately lessen the number of abortions.

We may disagree about how the options become available to the poverty stricken families in our communities, but we can all agree that something needs to be done to help them find jobs that can support themselves and their families without having to depend on the government for aid.

We may disagree about the amount of money being used for the different governmental agencies, but we can all agree that the federal budget doesn't need to add to the already increasing debt.

We may disagree about the Second Amendment, but we can agree that we need to improve treatment for those with mental illness and screen people more effectively for allowing anyone to own a gun.

We may disagree on how the U.S. accomplishes international trade, but we can agree that there are so many benefits of trading with other countries and having access to a wide variety of goods.

We may disagree on how to handle immigration, but we can all agree that families should not be broken up by sending illegal immigrants back to their countries.

We may disagree on religious issues, but we can agree that the diversity of cultures and religions is what makes America different from many other countries.

We may disagree on how law enforcement is accomplished, but we can agree that there are some unnecessary laws that need reform and there are too many people in our prisons and jails right now.

We may disagree on the details of enforcing LGBT rights and equality, but we can agree that all human beings deserve love and respect.

There are SO many things that our country agrees on, but we are blinded by the planks in our own eyes that we don't see those things. Instead we dwell on our differences and our hate and our anger. We try and remove the specks out of our brothers' and sisters' eyes and convince them that our opinion is the only right one. The problem is that there is more than one answer to every single issue. If we look at each issue as something that we can all agree that needs to be resolved instead of having a "My Way or the Highway" attitude, I think we can become an even greater, stronger, and united nation. Let's act like the United States of America again!

The Presidential Debacle

I must preface this post by saying that I'm not a political guru. In fact, I kind of don't like politics and keeping up with current events. But, I refuse to be ignorant and uneducated when it comes to elections. So, I've been reading.... and reading and doing my best to carefully consider who I think will best represent our country, who will have our country's best interests in mind when creating and/or reconstructing policies, etc.

Guys... it's a TOUGH decision!

Before I even started reading through the issues on several presidential campaign websites, I was determined not to vote for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. To be fair though, I included them in on my research as I looked further into Gary Johnson (a former Republican, now Libertarian, whose running mate is/was a Democrat) and also Evan McMullin (a Republican who is running as an Independent).

Now, back to the candidates....

Let's start with Hillary Clinton. She has a lot of political experience that she'd be bringing to the table. I don't necessarily agree with her on a lot of issues, but I do respect the fact that she is a woman trying to move up in a field that is predominantly led by men. Here are few reasons that I won't be voting for her:

• Healthcare: She wants to continue with Obamacare. I think it's had an adverse effect on insurance companies and policyholders over the years that it has been implemented. Insurance premiums have gone up and it's really hard for low income families to afford insurance and still provide for their families. 
• Education: She aims to make college debt-free and increase funding for child care and early childhood programs. While in theory, this sounds good -- the reality is that the government will be going into debt to make this happen and/or financial resources would be cut in other areas of the federal budget. We need reform in education, not just money thrown on as a band-aid to try and fix problems.
• She plans to expand Medicaid. Again, while this sounds good in theory, the reality is that there are way too many people on Medicare, Medicaid, and other types of programs that I believe they need to be reformed, not just expanded. 
• Life: She supports late term abortions and is pro-choice. I hate to say that I kind of understand being pro-choice.... but that choice almost left me without every getting to meet my oldest child. I'm strongly pro-life -- in all aspects of life, not just unborn babies. There are so many other options. I think both parties need to work together to lower abortion rates.
• Trust/Honesty: I don't think it's good policy to lie to the American people about anything. When you're a politician, you need to be very transparent and honest. At this point, I'd be especially concerned about the safety of our troops stationed overseas.

I could go on.....

Next, there's Donald Trump. He seems to be doing something right as a business man despite filing for bankruptcy multiple times and being a man of sub par character. My opinion (based on numerous articles) is that he's been successful by manipulating people via bribery, smooth talking, and scare tactics. I do agree with him on a lot of the issues though and he seems to be saying all the right things, but ..... I don't know that I can trust him. He used to be very liberal on a lot of issues and it seems suspicious that all of a sudden, he's changed his mind and aligns himself with the Republican Party. Also, I don't believe that his character or his morals would be a good representation for the United States of America. Other countries are even worried about him being in power and I don't think they'd take Trump seriously. 

Knowing that I didn't feel comfortable with the top two choices, I had settled on looking further into Gary Johnson. To be honest, I was swimming in foreign waters. What's a Libertarian? How are they different from Republicans and Democrats? After reading, I learned that Johnson had been in the running as a Republican during the 2012 Presidential Race. He was also a Republican governor that did a lot of great things in New Mexico with balancing their budget, etc. His stance on a lot of issues align with the Republican Party, but slightly more moderate. The biggest difference is that Libertarians believe in small government -- so he tends to favor a woman's right to choose (although, he is against late term abortions), wants to cut military funding, and would be in favor of legalizing marijuana. There are definitely some good things that come from the local government making decisions, but I can also see it making the country even more divided on issues. It also leaves our country less protected and allows other countries (potentially dangerous countries) to rise up and become world leaders. Again, I see myself aligning better with the Republican party.....

It was only a few weeks ago that I had even heard of Evan McMullin. He joined the race as a last ditch effort to hopefully dethrone Trump and shake up the election, more specifically the Republican Party. His goal is to win Utah and prevent both Trump and Clinton from receiving the 270 electoral votes (the minimum required to become president). Now, if this happens, the final vote would be determined by the House of Representatives using the top three candidates in the election. Technically, Gary Johnson is in the same sort of boat, but I don't know if he has great enough of a following in any specific state for him to win a state. It's really a long shot for either of them, but if David was able to defeat Goliath with the help of God, I believe that anything is possible.

Now, Evan McMullin doesn't have a ton of political experience or experience in balancing a budget, etc. However, he does have a background in working with other countries while he was a CIA agent, he has a good moral compass, and I agree with him almost 100% on the issues that he outlined on his website. He doesn't want to just throw money at issues, but has ideas to reform and resolve problems within our economic and education systems. His plans include ways to make us more financially accountable on a state and individual level. 

The dilemma I have is that many conservatives are going against their best judgement to vote for Trump just to keep Hillary out of office. The Republicans didn't have any other choices and McMullin came into the race a little late so I have no idea how well he'll do. It sounds like he's making headway in Utah though. So that's good! 

Now..... Do I vote my conscience or do I vote strategically? Is there even a chance that Johnson or McMullin could win WI? Probably not. But, if either of them did, that'd disrupt the electoral college, making it a better chance for the vote to go to the House. I really don't want Hillary to win, but I really don't want Trump either. The struggle is real.

Praying that others will be as diligent in studying up on our future leaders. Now... on to reading more about the state and local candidates.....

Making a Mess of Things

Hey God,It's me again. We've been making a mess of things down here.Lord, we strive to be holy, but continually fall short. We want to cast stones upon our brothers for the wrongs they do when we deserve to be stoned as well.

We can't force your way of thinking on others, but we can respect others and love them anyway.I can't imagine what it's like to be a white cop - trying to protect themselves and others without having someone casting blame on them for whatever the results might be. I can't imagine what it's like to be black - the first ones accused and the last to be given second chances. I can't imagine the anger that has fueled both whites and blacks to hate one another so much that that they resort to violence and murder.

All I know is that this hate needs to stop. The shootings need to stop. It's not going to stop by force though. Each man and woman needs to make their own choice. They need to choose to respect one another despite their differences in skin color, religion, sexual orientation, etc. It doesn't mean we have to agree on everything though.  We were all created in God's image and we are all called to love one another. The Bible indicates that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

We need to choose to love each other as Jesus has called us to love our neighbors. We need to forgive one another not once or twice, but seven times seventy seven times. It doesn't mean we have to forget the wrongs done to us, but choosing to forgive ....choosing to respect... and choosing to love will start the healing.It doesn't mean we overlook sin, but that we give each other second chances. It doesn't mean we have to fully trust everyone, but that a little trust in the goodness that everyone is capable of might trump the wrongdoings and the pain.

Praying for our Nation

Lately, Facebook, and all sorts of social media have been really blowing up the presidential campaign and the whole transgender bathroom issue. Part of me wants to respond back and share what I think. Another part of me is afraid how others would respond - I don't want to start a war or anything. I'm just not sure that people are willing to listen to both sides of the issues before making educated choices. Everyone seems to jump on the bandwagon while completely ignoring the morals that factor into decision-making.

When it comes to politics, I generally lean towards a more conservative approach with some liberal tendencies. I guess you could say I'm in the moderate boat. I would like to preserve the morals that have been a solid foundation for our country, yet society continues to to try and break out of that mold. Apparently, it's more fun to do the things that God doesn't want us to do. I'm not even going to go into specifics because that would just open up a whole other can of worms. In my head, I've thought up all sorts of ways to support where I stand on certain issues, but I always come to the conclusion that there is no black and white answer like everything thinks there should be. So I just sit in the gray areas with resolutions that would benefit both sides of whatever issue it is -- but they would only work if people were willing to give up a little of their stubbornness and make decisions together instead of against each other.

For now, I'm praying for our nation -- for our leadership, that God will guide them in their decisions. I pray for the people of this wonderful country, that we will all unite and find middle grounds so that we can continue to work towards making the future better for all of its inhabitants. I pray that God will restore the moral compass in His children and that all will turn toward Him. I pray that God's will be done despite the messiness of this world.

If only I had more time -- I could write a lot more. But, the world does not wait for anything so I must get back to work. Join me in praying for our nation.