A light of HOPE

Just wanted to share a few things that I've been learning lately. Some of you know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety. They both come and go so often that I've never really thought about it much. They've just become a part of who I am and part of my daily life. I'm not opposed to medication, but wanted to try something else first to help pull myself out of the rollercoaster of feeling up and down -- with the down times exceeding the up times. I was starting to become quite paralyzed with anxiety to the point where it was hard to hang out with people that I love, difficult to do daily chores (especially grocery shopping), and tough to make simple decisions. I wasn't enjoying life,  was just going through the motions, and it was easy to hide behind a smile in public.

Anyway, fast forward a bit -- and I ended up getting a list of counselors from our senior pastor. That was the first step. It was HARD! I like being in control and thought I had all the tools I needed to defeat this anxiety and depression, but I wasn't getting anywhere. So admitting that I needed help was tough, but also liberating. I double checked our insurance and narrowed down the list a bit so I could eventually call a few places. I could tell people were praying for me because the first place contacted me back the same day and got me in for an appointment the next week already...AND.. the receptionist called our insurance to confirm what they would cover and got back to me about 30 minutes later to discuss the details. God worked out everything down to the very low co-pay per session. So thankful!! 

And now after going to 3 sessions, I believe that every penny has been worth it. I've been learning a lot and have been getting things done around the house. I feel more alive and am understanding how to better handle situations and process my emotions. I've been given the gift of HOPE! 

Here are a few tools thus far:

Deep Breathing/Grounding.

The first strategy I learned was deep breathing. Breathe in deeply for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds. I admit that this sounded a little weird and was even weirder to practice it in the office with my counselor. 

I've been practicing the deep breathing every day. I have an alarm on my phone to do it so that it just becomes a natural instinct to use when I start feeling upset or anxious about something that I have no control over. It gives me more time to think through a situation and overcome those irrational feelings. (Hopefully that makes sense). Since I started practicing the deep breathing, I've noticed that I'm often shallow breathing, which is due to the anxiety I've been feeling.

[The reason anxiety causes shallow breathing is because anxiety is the activation of your fight or flight system. It's an evolutionary adaptation designed to keep you safe from harm. When faced with danger, your heartbeat speeds up and you breathe faster in order to get more oxygen for fighting or fleeing. 

Those with anxiety aren't facing any fears, but their body reacts as though they are. That's what creates an anxiety disorder. The body is constantly releasing adrenaline and reacting as though the person is in a fearful situation, even though they are not.] 

[Shallow breathing doesn't mean you need more oxygen. It actually means that you're over-breathing - you're breathing out carbon dioxide too quickly, before your body has a chance to make more. Oxygen fills your lungs right when you breathe, but carbon dioxide takes time to develop, and when you shallow breathe, each expulsion of breath takes out more Co2 than your body has created. 

If you do this for too long, you hyperventilate. The problem is that your hyperventilation makes your body feel like you're not getting enough oxygen. Essentially, it makes you feel like you need to take deeper breaths and take in as much air as possible. This makes all of the symptoms of hyperventilation worse.]    --- excerpts from www.calmclinic.com
  

So the deep breathing helps to slow down your breathing and take your brain out of the fight or flight mode. The grounding exercises help in a similar way. They bring you back to reality and take you to the rational thinking part of your brain. So a few examples of the exercises would be to just sit down and pay attention to what surrounds you -- name off 5 colors you see, name 5 objects in the room, think of things associated with the 5 senses that you are experiencing right now (what do you see? what do you hear? what do you smell? what are tasting? -if eating or drinking, what are you touching? describe the feeling.) 

Doing grounding along with deep breathing in the morning just relaxes me and gives me a more positive outlook on my day. I have found myself using both throughout the day as things come up or even just to help me fall asleep at night. It works! 

Develop a Schedule. 

Now that the kids are in school full-time, I've been struggling to get things done even though I have an abundance of time. Since dirty dishes are always around waiting to be washed, the laundry never ends, and the dust... don't even get me started... , I often feel like I never finish anything. I make many lists of things I'd like to accomplish, but the list gets to be daunting and overwhelming. I fall further and further behind on the things I want to get done which makes it even harder to pull myself out of the pit. Where do I even begin??

So when my counselor suggested that I develop a schedule, I cringed. I like the idea of having a routine, but I haven't had one in so long. I was not looking forward to having to try and create one again. Also, I enjoy having flexibility in my day to just spend time with a friend or have phone dates, etc. 

Again, I asked myself, "Where do I even begin?" 

I made several lists of things that need to get done every day, every week, and every month. (ie. cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, dishes, laundry, dinner prep, Bible/prayer/journaling time, getting ready for school in the morning, extracurricular activities, etc). I estimated about how much time I needed to do each and then started plugging them into my Google calendar making sure that they repeated based on how often I needed to do them. Tim and I have already have family Google calendar that we use for appointments and extracurriculars (with everything color coded by family member), so I created a separate one called "Michelle's schedule" that I can sync with the family one. The nice thing about the Google calendar is that I can see it on the computer or my phone and I have the option to move or change the amount of time spent on cleaning, etc so my schedule is still flexible.

At first, the idea of a schedule was overwhelming, but I'm starting to see how blocking off time in my day gives me the structure that I needed rather than a list of things that I could easily push off from one day to the next. I just need to work on specifically working in "Me" time for a minimum of 5 minutes per day. But otherwise, I think this is going to help me.

Create a safe place.

This also seemed silly. I'm still not exactly sure how we're going to use this tool, but have an idea. Essentially, I'm supposed to create a fictional place in my mind where I feel safe.  I should include details that include sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touch/feelings. So this could be a place I've already been or a completely imaginary place that I picture in my head. The details are all up to me. (The example my counselor gave was a beach with black sand, the salty smell of the ocean, palm trees, etc).

I have mine mostly figured out, but am still tweaking some of the details. (Today -- she asked me to draw it for my homework... Eek! This could be fun... or it could end very badly. haha)

Emotional Intelligence (a form of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment).

This is a bit harder to explain. It walks you through different feelings you've had and how you've handled those situations and then how you felt afterwards. Triggers lead to thoughts/emotions which lead to actions. So I basically had a packet to read through and answer questions. We're slowly started making our way through that together during my 3rd session. I think this is going to help me change my thinking for certain triggers so that my actions and emotions also change positively. We'll see where it goes.

--- Lots of information!! And I'm only 3 sessions in. So far, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. Praying for progress (even if it is only imperfect progress). I'd love to talk with you if you want to know more. Just send me a message. :-)

3/9/17 - Journal entry

Since the internet is not currently working, I’ve opened up a page in Microsoft Word to just type in for now. I haven’t written just to write in a long time. I’ve missed pouring out my heart and soul onto a page (albeit an electronic page).

Writing is a balm to my soul. All my feelings somehow get stuck inside me and I just never process them the way that I should. It’s not that I’m unfeeling. It’s that I feel too much that I don’t even know where to start. I sometimes start to desensitize myself as a way to protect myself. Instead, I’m left with feelings that are just sitting in a large bin like laundry waiting to be sorted.

My heart hurts for so many people and I want to solve all their problems. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of wisdom when it comes to finding solutions to problems. I’m not, however, good at remember sources and all the nitty gritty details. One friend is waiting to hear whether or not they can adopt a little girl that they’ve specifically fallen in love with. Another friend is struggling with parenting an adopted older child. Someone else is dealing with financial issues as they try to ensure their spouse is getting the care they need after a stroke. A friend has health issues exasperated by a pregnancy. Another friend has other health issues and has struggled with infertility. Another friend waits for her husband to come back to the Lord.

Then here I am, worrying about all those things while trying to juggle all of things in my life. I’m in a comfortable spot right now and feel guilty that these friends have to go through tough times. I know that some day, I’ll have similar struggles, yet I wonder why. Why do they have to be hurting while I’m doing ok? How can I help without feeling emotionally taxed? I have my own problems… mostly just anxiety. But anxiety seems like such a putzy small problem compared to possibly having to sell a house to make sure the bills are all paid. It seems so small compared to refugees fleeing their homeland only to feel unwelcome in the countries that they wish to enter.

The love of Jesus is not being shown by our country. We are so caught up in ourselves that we are blinded and can’t see our neighbors and what they need.  Again, how can I help? I want to… but I also need to take care of my emotional and mental health.

What else is there? So many things that I can’t even remember at this hour. Hoping this helps relieve some of the tension that has been building up. I just love Jesus and want to be a light. I want the people on my list to know who Jesus is. Lord, show me the way to best love them and teach them.

Amen.

The truth of anxiety

Below is something I wrote on Facebook the other day. I was a little scared to hit "post" because I wasn't sure what the reaction of people would be. I figured I might have one or two comments, but was amazed by how many friends and family came out of the woodwork to encourage me and share their own struggles with anxiety. So thankful for a heavenly Father who knew exactly what I needed and for giving me opportunities to connect with people that I don't know as well. Praise God!

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Moment of truth: I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable and show "too much" emotion. It's mostly because I feel so deeply about things that it physically hurts sometimes. So I bury those thoughts and feelings and forget about them. Unfortunately, my body doesn't forget and I often feel the full effects of anxiety trying to paralyze me. My brain is telling me that I'm fine and I can handle things. I shouldn't be overwhelmed. But... My body doesn't always get that message. It wants me to process my thoughts and feelings. So, the results for me is that I've been having a lot of headaches and migraines lately along with extreme tension in my back, neck, shoulders, and jaw. There's even been a few times of borderline hyperventilating and my heart actually hurting.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing. I never know when it's going to attack, which puts me in a state of paranoia that leads to more anxiety. It's a crazy cycle. I've often been one to worry and stress out over things, but dealing with almost constant anxiety for three months straight is new for me. I've kind of felt a little crazy and ridiculous for feeling the way I do.

So I'm going to try and start writing more again. Journaling has always been a great outlet for processing my thoughts and I haven't been good about doing that regularly.

Anyway, I just want to thank my friends for talking me through things, cheering me on, and praying for me. I'm also so thankful for Tim. He's been amazing at helping with the kids and make dinner when I need to hide out in a dark and quiet room. Just last night, he and the kids wrote out all the things they love about me and sent them in an email for me to read after I got home from Bible study. I'm so blessed to have these warriors by my side. 💜

If you've ever struggled with anxiety, you're not alone. We just have to encourage one another, talk through life, and keep on turning to the Lord in prayer and in scriptures. We can do this!!

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A comment that I wrote in my post:

Wow! Thank you everyone for your kind comments and love. I wasn't expecting so many of you to respond. Today was a good day. I can always tell when I have people praying for me. :-) Mostly, I just wanted to stop hiding behind a fake smile and show what my reality looks like. I know so many people deal with anxiety too and thought they could benefit from knowing they're not alone. We just don't always know how to talk about it in a way that makes sense to those that have never experienced anxiety in the same way as we do.

Anyway, I'll leave you all with one of my favorite Bible verses that helps when I'm feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders:

"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon me and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

A Psalm - Daughter of the King

Sometimes it's hard to hear the quiet whisper of Truth, the voice of Jesus, while the world is SHOUTING at us, "You deserve this!" and "This is your right!"

Ladies (and men!), I encourage you to be still and listen to His voice today. You are loved by an amazing God who cares SO deeply for you! Here's a psalm I wrote this morning that I wanted to share. It's rough and raw, but it's my heart.

A Psalm - Daughter of the King

When pride and selfishness rear their ugly heads
and I want to be in control,
God whispers quietly into my ear,
"Daughter, I made everything. I know what's best for you.
Trust me."

When envy takes me outside my contentment zone,
He gently reminds me,
"Daughter, I have given you all that you need.
Trust me."

When I'm feeling lost and have no direction,
the Father tells me,
"Daughter, be patient. I know the plan and my plan is good.
Trust me."

When I feel discouraged and alone,
He says,
"Daughter, You are NEVER alone for I am always with you.
Trust me."

When my critical spirit dominates my day,
My Lord teaches me,
"Daughter, follow me in all that you do and say.
Trust that my way is good."

When I feel consumed by pains and hurts of the past,
God comforts me,
"Daughter, forgive them again as I have forgiven you.
Let me be your all in all."

When I doubt my abilities and my beauty,
He encourages me,
"You are the daughter of a King.
I made you. You are wonderful and you are beautiful."

More Commonalities that We Probably Knew...

We may disagree on many things, but there's always the common denominator of the things we CAN agree on.....


We may disagree about how many troops should be overseas right now, but we can agree that we all want peace and don't want our friends and family being put in the middle of deadly wars.

We may disagree about how to create jobs and boost the economy, but we can agree that we want everyone that is able to work to have a job that allows them to take care of themselves and their families.

We may disagree about the details of education, but we can agree that we all want our children to have access to a world class education with teachers that really care about their students.

We may disagree about Obamacare, but we can agree that everyone should be covered under affordable insurance and have access to amazing doctors and technology.

We may disagree about how the deadlines and mandates put on businesses to produce clean energy, but we can all agree that we want to reduce emissions, reduce the price of energy, and create an environment that is sustainable and clean for the future generations.

We may disagree about a woman's choice and the choice of a baby inside a mother's womb, but we agree that the we need to work together to increase support & resources to reduce unintended pregnancies and ultimately lessen the number of abortions.

We may disagree about how the options become available to the poverty stricken families in our communities, but we can all agree that something needs to be done to help them find jobs that can support themselves and their families without having to depend on the government for aid.

We may disagree about the amount of money being used for the different governmental agencies, but we can all agree that the federal budget doesn't need to add to the already increasing debt.

We may disagree about the Second Amendment, but we can agree that we need to improve treatment for those with mental illness and screen people more effectively for allowing anyone to own a gun.

We may disagree on how the U.S. accomplishes international trade, but we can agree that there are so many benefits of trading with other countries and having access to a wide variety of goods.

We may disagree on how to handle immigration, but we can all agree that families should not be broken up by sending illegal immigrants back to their countries.

We may disagree on religious issues, but we can agree that the diversity of cultures and religions is what makes America different from many other countries.

We may disagree on how law enforcement is accomplished, but we can agree that there are some unnecessary laws that need reform and there are too many people in our prisons and jails right now.

We may disagree on the details of enforcing LGBT rights and equality, but we can agree that all human beings deserve love and respect.

There are SO many things that our country agrees on, but we are blinded by the planks in our own eyes that we don't see those things. Instead we dwell on our differences and our hate and our anger. We try and remove the specks out of our brothers' and sisters' eyes and convince them that our opinion is the only right one. The problem is that there is more than one answer to every single issue. If we look at each issue as something that we can all agree that needs to be resolved instead of having a "My Way or the Highway" attitude, I think we can become an even greater, stronger, and united nation. Let's act like the United States of America again!

The Presidential Debacle

I must preface this post by saying that I'm not a political guru. In fact, I kind of don't like politics and keeping up with current events. But, I refuse to be ignorant and uneducated when it comes to elections. So, I've been reading.... and reading and doing my best to carefully consider who I think will best represent our country, who will have our country's best interests in mind when creating and/or reconstructing policies, etc.

Guys... it's a TOUGH decision!

Before I even started reading through the issues on several presidential campaign websites, I was determined not to vote for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. To be fair though, I included them in on my research as I looked further into Gary Johnson (a former Republican, now Libertarian, whose running mate is/was a Democrat) and also Evan McMullin (a Republican who is running as an Independent).

Now, back to the candidates....

Let's start with Hillary Clinton. She has a lot of political experience that she'd be bringing to the table. I don't necessarily agree with her on a lot of issues, but I do respect the fact that she is a woman trying to move up in a field that is predominantly led by men. Here are few reasons that I won't be voting for her:

• Healthcare: She wants to continue with Obamacare. I think it's had an adverse effect on insurance companies and policyholders over the years that it has been implemented. Insurance premiums have gone up and it's really hard for low income families to afford insurance and still provide for their families. 
• Education: She aims to make college debt-free and increase funding for child care and early childhood programs. While in theory, this sounds good -- the reality is that the government will be going into debt to make this happen and/or financial resources would be cut in other areas of the federal budget. We need reform in education, not just money thrown on as a band-aid to try and fix problems.
• She plans to expand Medicaid. Again, while this sounds good in theory, the reality is that there are way too many people on Medicare, Medicaid, and other types of programs that I believe they need to be reformed, not just expanded. 
• Life: She supports late term abortions and is pro-choice. I hate to say that I kind of understand being pro-choice.... but that choice almost left me without every getting to meet my oldest child. I'm strongly pro-life -- in all aspects of life, not just unborn babies. There are so many other options. I think both parties need to work together to lower abortion rates.
• Trust/Honesty: I don't think it's good policy to lie to the American people about anything. When you're a politician, you need to be very transparent and honest. At this point, I'd be especially concerned about the safety of our troops stationed overseas.

I could go on.....

Next, there's Donald Trump. He seems to be doing something right as a business man despite filing for bankruptcy multiple times and being a man of sub par character. My opinion (based on numerous articles) is that he's been successful by manipulating people via bribery, smooth talking, and scare tactics. I do agree with him on a lot of the issues though and he seems to be saying all the right things, but ..... I don't know that I can trust him. He used to be very liberal on a lot of issues and it seems suspicious that all of a sudden, he's changed his mind and aligns himself with the Republican Party. Also, I don't believe that his character or his morals would be a good representation for the United States of America. Other countries are even worried about him being in power and I don't think they'd take Trump seriously. 

Knowing that I didn't feel comfortable with the top two choices, I had settled on looking further into Gary Johnson. To be honest, I was swimming in foreign waters. What's a Libertarian? How are they different from Republicans and Democrats? After reading, I learned that Johnson had been in the running as a Republican during the 2012 Presidential Race. He was also a Republican governor that did a lot of great things in New Mexico with balancing their budget, etc. His stance on a lot of issues align with the Republican Party, but slightly more moderate. The biggest difference is that Libertarians believe in small government -- so he tends to favor a woman's right to choose (although, he is against late term abortions), wants to cut military funding, and would be in favor of legalizing marijuana. There are definitely some good things that come from the local government making decisions, but I can also see it making the country even more divided on issues. It also leaves our country less protected and allows other countries (potentially dangerous countries) to rise up and become world leaders. Again, I see myself aligning better with the Republican party.....

It was only a few weeks ago that I had even heard of Evan McMullin. He joined the race as a last ditch effort to hopefully dethrone Trump and shake up the election, more specifically the Republican Party. His goal is to win Utah and prevent both Trump and Clinton from receiving the 270 electoral votes (the minimum required to become president). Now, if this happens, the final vote would be determined by the House of Representatives using the top three candidates in the election. Technically, Gary Johnson is in the same sort of boat, but I don't know if he has great enough of a following in any specific state for him to win a state. It's really a long shot for either of them, but if David was able to defeat Goliath with the help of God, I believe that anything is possible.

Now, Evan McMullin doesn't have a ton of political experience or experience in balancing a budget, etc. However, he does have a background in working with other countries while he was a CIA agent, he has a good moral compass, and I agree with him almost 100% on the issues that he outlined on his website. He doesn't want to just throw money at issues, but has ideas to reform and resolve problems within our economic and education systems. His plans include ways to make us more financially accountable on a state and individual level. 

The dilemma I have is that many conservatives are going against their best judgement to vote for Trump just to keep Hillary out of office. The Republicans didn't have any other choices and McMullin came into the race a little late so I have no idea how well he'll do. It sounds like he's making headway in Utah though. So that's good! 

Now..... Do I vote my conscience or do I vote strategically? Is there even a chance that Johnson or McMullin could win WI? Probably not. But, if either of them did, that'd disrupt the electoral college, making it a better chance for the vote to go to the House. I really don't want Hillary to win, but I really don't want Trump either. The struggle is real.

Praying that others will be as diligent in studying up on our future leaders. Now... on to reading more about the state and local candidates.....

Making a Mess of Things

Hey God,It's me again. We've been making a mess of things down here.Lord, we strive to be holy, but continually fall short. We want to cast stones upon our brothers for the wrongs they do when we deserve to be stoned as well.

We can't force your way of thinking on others, but we can respect others and love them anyway.I can't imagine what it's like to be a white cop - trying to protect themselves and others without having someone casting blame on them for whatever the results might be. I can't imagine what it's like to be black - the first ones accused and the last to be given second chances. I can't imagine the anger that has fueled both whites and blacks to hate one another so much that that they resort to violence and murder.

All I know is that this hate needs to stop. The shootings need to stop. It's not going to stop by force though. Each man and woman needs to make their own choice. They need to choose to respect one another despite their differences in skin color, religion, sexual orientation, etc. It doesn't mean we have to agree on everything though.  We were all created in God's image and we are all called to love one another. The Bible indicates that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

We need to choose to love each other as Jesus has called us to love our neighbors. We need to forgive one another not once or twice, but seven times seventy seven times. It doesn't mean we have to forget the wrongs done to us, but choosing to forgive ....choosing to respect... and choosing to love will start the healing.It doesn't mean we overlook sin, but that we give each other second chances. It doesn't mean we have to fully trust everyone, but that a little trust in the goodness that everyone is capable of might trump the wrongdoings and the pain.