The ebb & flow of Anxiety

It's been about a year since I finally gave in and went to see a counselor about my anxiety. I haven't seen her since May, but am thinking about returning again.

This time of year seems to be the worst for my anxiety. I feel like I start having everything under control and can handle adding one or two more things. Then my brain starts wigging out and telling me that it's too much and the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and anxious begins again. The more I think about it lurking in the darkness, the more it creeps out.

Don't get me wrong -- for most of the year, I've been able to manage my anxiety really well. It's just that it comes out of nowhere and surprises me when I least expect it and usually when I don't have time to deal with it and have deadlines for my few extra things.

As we start nearing Thanksgiving and Christmas, I tend to overthink all the details and want to make sure I have everything figured out in advance. There are family get togethers, cleaning the house and finding the perfect gifts for the names we've picked. Then throw in Christmas parties, school & church programs, and Christmas baking. Oh.. and I have a part time job. I love it most days, but it can be a bit stressful when I need to get purchases done by "yesterday."

I just need to focus on what I can do today instead of jumping ahead. I need to take some deep breaths and remind myself of who I am, what I'm capable of, and that God is in control even when I feel out of control.

So life goes on. The cycle of anxiety ebbs and flows. I keep learning more about myself and what I need to stay on top of my mental health. Sometimes a visit to the counselor is just like a tune up for a car or a wellness visit to my primary care physician. Now, I just have to work up the courage to make that call.....

Ahh!! And it's back...

Sometimes anxiety creeps up on me slowly and I don't even realize it's there... until I can't breathe and I feel overwhelmed. I've lost control... again.

Anxiety is kind of like that pair of comfortable jeans that I love, but probably shouldn't wear anymore. You know... that pair that is starting to get threadbare in all the wrong places. Even though they're so old and worn out, you can't help but feeling like you're wearing a friend. (Somehow, no matter how many other pairs of pants wind up in your drawer, this pair just calls your name, begging to be worn). Anxiety is very similar for me. I start feeling those feelings, but I feel like it's not bad and I still have everything under control. It slowly gets worse until it seems like it's just always been there, like a reliable friend.

Then I start feeling trapped in a web of nothingness. I can't process feelings (or maybe I just don't allow myself too). I'm afraid of feeling hurt so I close myself off to anything that could make me feel that way. Again, choosing to not feel is like that pair of jeans, it becomes comfortable. All those simple, everyday types of decisions feel monumental. I just shut down and have found myself telling Tim more often than not that he just needs to take over making some of those decisions because I can't. I physically can't. My brain just stalls and I can't process potential solutions/answers.

I have found myself not wanting to invite people over because the thought of them declining escalates in my mind to rejection. I know they aren't really rejecting me... if I'm thinking rationally. But, when you're working with an anxious mind, your thoughts go into fight or flight mode and you end up wanting to just run away and hide OR you start getting a little defensive and think that the world is against you. It's silly and doesn't make sense, but that's just how the brain works sometimes. It forgoes reason and rational thinking. So yeah, my brain goes there and somehow twists my thoughts into negative things. That's when I start feeling out of control.

I'm also having a hard time figuring out dinner because I normally cook based on what I'm in the mood for. However, when I'm feeling listless and lifeless, I'm not super hungry and very few things sound appealing. Today though, I did force myself to leave the house and get a few groceries with my daughter. Just going on a short outing like that wore me out, but it was a step in the right direction. I'm learning that I need to force myself to get groceries and run errands so that I don't end up just letting Tim take over those responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, Tim is super helpful and always willing to do whatever is needed. I love him for that. But... sometimes his helpfulness can become a crutch for me, allowing me to sit on the couch and wallow in my feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. So I need to make sure that I'm doing my part of being a wife and mother.

Today, I was thankful for Pastor Nate's sermon. By holding onto these feelings of anxiety and loneliness and staying in my little bubble of protection, it's my way of trying to stay in control of my life. Reality check: I am failing on my own. I'm not God, but I have been trying to take His place.... again. Ugh... so hard to hand over the reigns of control.

God -- I surrender it all to you. This is no surprise. You know that I struggle with wanting to feel in control. It's taken different shapes throughout my life, but that desire to have things done just right and to plan things way ahead are hard to just bury completely. Thank goodness for your grace and patience with me. You are God and I am not. Take my life and let it be ALL for you.

Almost a year ago.... and fast forward to now

Almost a year ago, I started researching counselors and checking with my insurance company to see what kind of coverage we had.

Almost a year ago, I was seriously struggling to stay afloat. My heart felt like it was racing on a regular basis. The thought of making decisions, no matter how small, was like asking me to climb Mt. Everest or swim across the Atlantic Ocean. I was so overwhelmed with everything and didn't know what else to do. 

I was at a point where I felt alone, like no one else even knew how to help me and I was tired of just going through the motions of being a wife, mother, and friend. My relationship with God was barely hanging on by a thread and I was just living for my very depressed and anxious self. I didn't even want to leave my house (or my couch). The house was turning into a pig sty (at least in my eyes) and Tim did pretty much all of our grocery shopping and errands since the thought of driving anywhere made me feel anxious and exhausted. How could I live for Jesus when I could barely live for myself?

Then, I found some courage to make an appointment with *Betty. I was cautiously optimistic. It was a step in the right direction, but I was still unsure that she would really help me.

Fast forward to today ---- and I feel like a different person. Colors seem brighter, I laugh a lot more, and life feels more joyful. I feel a lot more comfortable leaving my house and taking on new challenges. I even took on a new job and am planning a ladies event at church. I'm alive again! 

These changes didn't happen overnight though. It took a bit of work on my part. There was homework and practicing techniques to combat anxiety. I learned how to think and act differently in awkward or difficult situations. I became more mindful of my feelings and expressing them vs. just stuffing and avoiding them. I'm also more aware of what my limits are and I don't feel as guilty saying "no" when I need to.

There are still moments of high anxiety in my life. I've had to stop more than a few times to do some deep breathing and/or find a quiet place to be alone for a little while. But I'm no longer feeling like I'm constantly stressed out or in fight/flight mode. I have my life back. Praise Jesus!

Just breathe

I stopped writing for a while...

Whenever I fail to write, those are the times that I start to flounder. I begin to drown in my own thoughts, becoming paralyzed by life. A huge weight settles on my chest like an anchor, trying to keep me stuck from moving forward. Decisions become overwhelming and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water.

I tend to overthink things sometimes and then I try to grab at those strands of control. I just want to be in control of things. That's when the lies start. I hear the quiet voices of the Enemy whispering -- "Michelle, you're not good enough." "This is too much." "Just give up before you start." "You can't do this." "You're not going to make the best decision(s)." "You're going to fail!" "You're going to screw up!"

So that weight slowly creeps up on me, weighing me down. It begins to feel comfortable. It's my crutch that I can lean on when I don't want to do something. It's an excuse that I give. The reality is that once anxiety creeps in, it's a battle to overcome it each and every time. Even though my crutch and excuses are legitimate, I still feel like they're a cop out. Or maybe they're just a cry for help while I'm stumbling in the darkness. I just want a life preserver thrown my way, someone to ask how I'm doing.

It's so easy to hide behind the smiles. It's so easy for the darkness to take over without me or anyone else noticing. I don't even know what I'm anxious about. It doesn't seem rational -- it almost never does.

Breathe! Take that deep breath in and hold it...
Then slowly let it out...

Perspective is within my reach.

So I just keep breathing and whispering words to counter the attacks --
"I AM good enough!" "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me." "Keep on going, just a little bit at a time." "Michelle, you can do this!" "You've made lots of wise decisions." "You are doing your best, that's not failure." "It's ok to ask for help."

Digging Deeper

This counseling thing is getting real now. To begin with, my counselor was just preparing me with tools before we go into the real battle. I have the deep breathing, the grounding, my safe place, and have been trying to change my thinking or use opposite thinking during situations. I also needed to built up trust with my counselor. All of these have laid out the framework for me to being processing something that happened in the past, something that really rocked my world and I never processed it in a healthy way. I just buried it deeper and deeper until I could forget that it even happened. But it DID happen and it's a huge part of what my life is now - some good, some bad.

To be honest, this digging deeper and reprocessing is HARD. We started EMDR Therapy (Eye Motion Desensitization & Reprocessing) today. It's hard to explain, but involves my safe place that I've created in my mind. I start out with deep breathing and picturing my safe place. It's called "The Field." There are thousands of sunflowers, the sun is reflecting off the brilliant yellows and oranges of the flowers, bees are buzzing, birds are chirping, the air is warm, the sky is a very bright blue. As we got deeper into the therapy, I had to answer a few questions and then she'd take me back to "The Field" where I had to think about certain details of the sunflower scene that I was picturing.

At one point, I broke down and actually felt scared and didn't know why. But it's all part of how my brain is pulling out those strands of trauma to help me reprocess it all so that when I think about what happened, I'll have a different perception of it and realize that I'm different now and don't need to hold onto it all. I think I was also a little fearful because I didn't want to go to those deep, dark places in my brain. I wanted to keep it all buried, even though I know that's not healthy at all. It's scary to relive what I experienced. I've always tried to justify what happened and take a good share of the blame, more than I should have. I was afraid of what people thought, I was afraid of their judgement and/or rejection if I talked about what actually happened. I trained my brain to think it was ok even though it wasn't.

Anyway, just thought I'd share on here. I'm sure I'm making no sense to some of you that have no idea what experience I'm talking about. That's ok. I don't need to tell you. It's pretty personal and I'm still working it all out in counseling. So -- maybe someday, I'll have more to tell, but for now, this is where I'm leaving you.

A light of HOPE

Just wanted to share a few things that I've been learning lately. Some of you know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety. They both come and go so often that I've never really thought about it much. They've just become a part of who I am and part of my daily life. I'm not opposed to medication, but wanted to try something else first to help pull myself out of the rollercoaster of feeling up and down -- with the down times exceeding the up times. I was starting to become quite paralyzed with anxiety to the point where it was hard to hang out with people that I love, difficult to do daily chores (especially grocery shopping), and tough to make simple decisions. I wasn't enjoying life,  was just going through the motions, and it was easy to hide behind a smile in public.

Anyway, fast forward a bit -- and I ended up getting a list of counselors from our senior pastor. That was the first step. It was HARD! I like being in control and thought I had all the tools I needed to defeat this anxiety and depression, but I wasn't getting anywhere. So admitting that I needed help was tough, but also liberating. I double checked our insurance and narrowed down the list a bit so I could eventually call a few places. I could tell people were praying for me because the first place contacted me back the same day and got me in for an appointment the next week already...AND.. the receptionist called our insurance to confirm what they would cover and got back to me about 30 minutes later to discuss the details. God worked out everything down to the very low co-pay per session. So thankful!! 

And now after going to 3 sessions, I believe that every penny has been worth it. I've been learning a lot and have been getting things done around the house. I feel more alive and am understanding how to better handle situations and process my emotions. I've been given the gift of HOPE! 

Here are a few tools thus far:

Deep Breathing/Grounding.

The first strategy I learned was deep breathing. Breathe in deeply for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds. I admit that this sounded a little weird and was even weirder to practice it in the office with my counselor. 

I've been practicing the deep breathing every day. I have an alarm on my phone to do it so that it just becomes a natural instinct to use when I start feeling upset or anxious about something that I have no control over. It gives me more time to think through a situation and overcome those irrational feelings. (Hopefully that makes sense). Since I started practicing the deep breathing, I've noticed that I'm often shallow breathing, which is due to the anxiety I've been feeling.

[The reason anxiety causes shallow breathing is because anxiety is the activation of your fight or flight system. It's an evolutionary adaptation designed to keep you safe from harm. When faced with danger, your heartbeat speeds up and you breathe faster in order to get more oxygen for fighting or fleeing. 

Those with anxiety aren't facing any fears, but their body reacts as though they are. That's what creates an anxiety disorder. The body is constantly releasing adrenaline and reacting as though the person is in a fearful situation, even though they are not.] 

[Shallow breathing doesn't mean you need more oxygen. It actually means that you're over-breathing - you're breathing out carbon dioxide too quickly, before your body has a chance to make more. Oxygen fills your lungs right when you breathe, but carbon dioxide takes time to develop, and when you shallow breathe, each expulsion of breath takes out more Co2 than your body has created. 

If you do this for too long, you hyperventilate. The problem is that your hyperventilation makes your body feel like you're not getting enough oxygen. Essentially, it makes you feel like you need to take deeper breaths and take in as much air as possible. This makes all of the symptoms of hyperventilation worse.]    --- excerpts from www.calmclinic.com
  

So the deep breathing helps to slow down your breathing and take your brain out of the fight or flight mode. The grounding exercises help in a similar way. They bring you back to reality and take you to the rational thinking part of your brain. So a few examples of the exercises would be to just sit down and pay attention to what surrounds you -- name off 5 colors you see, name 5 objects in the room, think of things associated with the 5 senses that you are experiencing right now (what do you see? what do you hear? what do you smell? what are tasting? -if eating or drinking, what are you touching? describe the feeling.) 

Doing grounding along with deep breathing in the morning just relaxes me and gives me a more positive outlook on my day. I have found myself using both throughout the day as things come up or even just to help me fall asleep at night. It works! 

Develop a Schedule. 

Now that the kids are in school full-time, I've been struggling to get things done even though I have an abundance of time. Since dirty dishes are always around waiting to be washed, the laundry never ends, and the dust... don't even get me started... , I often feel like I never finish anything. I make many lists of things I'd like to accomplish, but the list gets to be daunting and overwhelming. I fall further and further behind on the things I want to get done which makes it even harder to pull myself out of the pit. Where do I even begin??

So when my counselor suggested that I develop a schedule, I cringed. I like the idea of having a routine, but I haven't had one in so long. I was not looking forward to having to try and create one again. Also, I enjoy having flexibility in my day to just spend time with a friend or have phone dates, etc. 

Again, I asked myself, "Where do I even begin?" 

I made several lists of things that need to get done every day, every week, and every month. (ie. cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, dishes, laundry, dinner prep, Bible/prayer/journaling time, getting ready for school in the morning, extracurricular activities, etc). I estimated about how much time I needed to do each and then started plugging them into my Google calendar making sure that they repeated based on how often I needed to do them. Tim and I have already have family Google calendar that we use for appointments and extracurriculars (with everything color coded by family member), so I created a separate one called "Michelle's schedule" that I can sync with the family one. The nice thing about the Google calendar is that I can see it on the computer or my phone and I have the option to move or change the amount of time spent on cleaning, etc so my schedule is still flexible.

At first, the idea of a schedule was overwhelming, but I'm starting to see how blocking off time in my day gives me the structure that I needed rather than a list of things that I could easily push off from one day to the next. I just need to work on specifically working in "Me" time for a minimum of 5 minutes per day. But otherwise, I think this is going to help me.

Create a safe place.

This also seemed silly. I'm still not exactly sure how we're going to use this tool, but have an idea. Essentially, I'm supposed to create a fictional place in my mind where I feel safe.  I should include details that include sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touch/feelings. So this could be a place I've already been or a completely imaginary place that I picture in my head. The details are all up to me. (The example my counselor gave was a beach with black sand, the salty smell of the ocean, palm trees, etc).

I have mine mostly figured out, but am still tweaking some of the details. (Today -- she asked me to draw it for my homework... Eek! This could be fun... or it could end very badly. haha)

Emotional Intelligence (a form of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment).

This is a bit harder to explain. It walks you through different feelings you've had and how you've handled those situations and then how you felt afterwards. Triggers lead to thoughts/emotions which lead to actions. So I basically had a packet to read through and answer questions. We're slowly started making our way through that together during my 3rd session. I think this is going to help me change my thinking for certain triggers so that my actions and emotions also change positively. We'll see where it goes.

--- Lots of information!! And I'm only 3 sessions in. So far, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. Praying for progress (even if it is only imperfect progress). I'd love to talk with you if you want to know more. Just send me a message. :-)

3/9/17 - Journal entry

Since the internet is not currently working, I’ve opened up a page in Microsoft Word to just type in for now. I haven’t written just to write in a long time. I’ve missed pouring out my heart and soul onto a page (albeit an electronic page).

Writing is a balm to my soul. All my feelings somehow get stuck inside me and I just never process them the way that I should. It’s not that I’m unfeeling. It’s that I feel too much that I don’t even know where to start. I sometimes start to desensitize myself as a way to protect myself. Instead, I’m left with feelings that are just sitting in a large bin like laundry waiting to be sorted.

My heart hurts for so many people and I want to solve all their problems. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of wisdom when it comes to finding solutions to problems. I’m not, however, good at remember sources and all the nitty gritty details. One friend is waiting to hear whether or not they can adopt a little girl that they’ve specifically fallen in love with. Another friend is struggling with parenting an adopted older child. Someone else is dealing with financial issues as they try to ensure their spouse is getting the care they need after a stroke. A friend has health issues exasperated by a pregnancy. Another friend has other health issues and has struggled with infertility. Another friend waits for her husband to come back to the Lord.

Then here I am, worrying about all those things while trying to juggle all of things in my life. I’m in a comfortable spot right now and feel guilty that these friends have to go through tough times. I know that some day, I’ll have similar struggles, yet I wonder why. Why do they have to be hurting while I’m doing ok? How can I help without feeling emotionally taxed? I have my own problems… mostly just anxiety. But anxiety seems like such a putzy small problem compared to possibly having to sell a house to make sure the bills are all paid. It seems so small compared to refugees fleeing their homeland only to feel unwelcome in the countries that they wish to enter.

The love of Jesus is not being shown by our country. We are so caught up in ourselves that we are blinded and can’t see our neighbors and what they need.  Again, how can I help? I want to… but I also need to take care of my emotional and mental health.

What else is there? So many things that I can’t even remember at this hour. Hoping this helps relieve some of the tension that has been building up. I just love Jesus and want to be a light. I want the people on my list to know who Jesus is. Lord, show me the way to best love them and teach them.

Amen.