Troubles sleeping

Last night, I woke up soon after falling asleep. The pain in my abdomen was intense. It had been throbbing most of the day and pain killers just barely touched the worst of it. Yes, I'm talking about my monthly friend. I don't know why we refer to it as a "friend" as it's far from that. It's not a welcoming visit that I look forward to other than to confirm that I'm not expecting baby #3 quite yet. I was content not getting my friend for almost two years while I was pregnant with and nursing my youngest child. Anyway, I couldn't sleep. No position felt comforting to me. So I got out of bed and made my way to the couch, pillow in hand, to watch "Under the Tuscan Sun." I laid awake while completely captured by this movie. I felt inspired by the love and romance in Italy.

Lately, I've been trying to find an appropriate, yet romantic theme for our bedroom. Now, I have thoughts of transforming it to have the atmosphere of a Tuscan villa out in the countryside. It'd be tough and probably expensive to do though. Maybe Tim and I could just travel there instead. I've always wanted to go to Europe so I could see the vineyards and taste the fresh cheeses and walk through the markets to watch people bustling by as they make their produce purchases for the day. Movies make those types of places so enchanting. I only hope that my imagination of what it would be like is a dull comparison to the reality of it all.

While I was trying to doze off to sleep again, I made a feeble attempt to romanticize Port Washington. Of course I did not have a pen or paper near me so I recited it all in my head. The words seem so distant, lost in the fog of my memory. The gentle breeze running past my face like a warm kiss upon my cheek. I step outside to breathe in the sweet, cool air. It smells like rain; the long, neglected blades of grass glisten in the pale moonlight. Everything that had seemed so important faded into the background as I remembered what it was like to be an innocent child once again. Colors so vibrant surrounded me -- the morning sky, a pale greyish-blue with shades of red and yellow, a bright, fiery orange dancing in the sky while the majestic clouds illuminate the sunrise even more.

Purple petals so deeply beautiful ...

Like I said, the words sounded better when I was daydreaming after the movie. I can't fully capture the words and images that I pictured in my mind.

Free writing...

I keep wanting to write and don't know where to start. By the time I think of it, I have already run out of time to finish. So it just sits there -- kind of like the archives, getting dustier with age. The cobwebs increase and the cockroaches run to hide in the corners. Termites eat away at my wooden desk. It's how I imagine it right now. Since this is free writing, there's no turning back to delete my thoughts. This is going to get published... today. So I just sit here at my desk waiting for the right thing to write about.

The other day, I was going to write about magnetic personalities and how I wished I had one. Then I started feeling all negative about myself. It wasn't a good place for me to be. I'm always wishing I could change myself and maybe be a little more popular. I want people to feel drawn to me -- either just to talk, to get advice, to ask favors, to do nice things for me without even being asked. One of my gifts is that of encouragement. In college, I would constantly be sending out little cards to people that were having a rough day and just knowing I could bring a smile to our face was heart-warming. It's tough to be encouraging all the time especially when I'm feeling discouraged or not encouraged myself. I'm probably confusing you a bit. It's not an easy concept to wrap my head around either. I like being around people, but don't like having to be the one to always do the calling and the inviting. Sometimes I just feel alone in that area.

Ok... I just deleted a line so there goes my free writing. Well, I better get the kids to bed. It's already a little late. Tim is at softball right now so hopefully he goes the night without getting injured again. I wish I had more time to write, but after I tuck the kids in, I might go and play the guitar or read... I've been reading a book from my sister-in-law. It's about the life of Saul/Paul by Beth Moore. (I can't remember the exact title). Anyway, it's a good read and is making me really think about what it was like to live in Jesus' time.

Over and out...
-Michelle

Slowing Down...

I think that sometimes God is trying to tell us to slow down a little and just trust Him a little more. All last week, I was hoping to do a lot of organizing, cleaning, and packing to get ready for moving day. Alas, I got hit with a horrible sinus infection -- one of the worst that I've had in a long time. On top of feeling miserable and fatigued, my left ear had a lot of pressure so I couldn't really hear out of it. (I'm still waiting for that pressure to subside). Anyway, being sick slowed me down enough that I just didn't get anything done around the house. Things didn't go as I had planned in my head. Then, my sister called me up out of the blue and asked if I'd like a visitor. She didn't have to work for a few days, so she came down on Sunday night and is staying until later today ... or maybe tomorrow depending on if we need her. She's been a blessing with helping watch the kids and just distracting me from worrying too much about closing on our house.

Our loan officer sent us an email yesterday with the final amount that we need to bring to closing. We wanted to see a break-down so asked for a copy of the papers that gave details on every expense item. It turns out that they didn't include a credit that we are expecting from the sellers to go towards some electrical work. Luckily, Tim saw that and had to make a lot of calls to get the paperwork changed by working with our realtor and loan officer. I'm not sure if it was the title company that did it wrong or what, but we were a little stressed out last night after our closing costs and down payment fluctuated throughout the day.

After the long day, I was looking forward to watch a nice, relaxing softball game since Tim had a double header last night through our church. It'd be the first game of the season that had decent enough weather for me to come along with the kids. Plus, my sister was here to help with the kids. Well, the weather was still pretty windy and a little chilly so we bundled up into the car. I had popped some popcorn to bring as a snack. It was going to be nice. As we're pulling into the park's parking lot, I see Tim going in the opposite direction. My first thought was that they decided at the last minute that they were going to a different diamond or that the other team forfeited already. I was wondering why he hadn't called me or anything though. I thought I saw something on his chin as we drove past so I told my sister that he was probably going to the emergency room. Although, if he was hurt that bad, I didn't know why he was driving himself.

I pulled into a parking spot to wait and then Tim called. "I'm going to Urgent Care." What???? "I got hit with a ball during practice and the guys thought I needed stitches." So, in my mind, I was freaking out a little, but tried to stay relatively calm. We turned around and met him at the urgent care that was a few blocks from the baseball diamond. I helped him fill out all his paperwork. He didn't want me to stay with him at all and said to just go back to the park to let the kids play and he'd meet us there to watch the game. I had him show me his battle wound really quick just to have an idea of what we were up against and confirmed that he would definitely need some stitches.

With the kids still in the car with my sister, we went back to the park. I watched a little of the game and played with the kids for 45 minutes. It got chilly and I wanted to check on Tim. So we went to urgent care and he was STILL in the waiting room!!! I couldn't believe it. I was SO mad!! I almost chewed out the receptionist, but Tim told me not to bother because it wasn't going to help anything. He'd just complain later in a survey or something. Well, I wasn't sure how much longer he would need to wait, but he insisted he was next in line and that I should just go home to get the kids to bed and maybe pack a few things into my sister's van already. So, I got Tim some more paper towels because his chin was still bleeding a little and then went home.

I kept pacing around the house and looking out the window to see if Tim was home yet. He had been at urgent care since a little after 6pm and finally got home closer to 8:30pm. Yeah, he waited about an hour and fifteen minutes before he was seen by a doctor. But, they stitched him up pretty quick and sent him home. Five stitches in his chin.

Needless to say, instead of worrying about closing on our house this morning -- in two hours to be exact, I was more worried about my husband. God sure knows how to slow us down and appreciate the more important things -- like Tim and my sister and my family.

Writing again!

Seems like life has gotten so busy lately. I had kind of lost my passion for writing. Now it's slowly coming back and I feel a little happier too. :-)

I finally got around to posting the next part of "my story" in Grace Like Rain. So for those of you readers that have been anxiously waiting to hear more, I just posted today. Sorry it took me so long, but it was tough to write about and that was what was holding me back from writing much of anything. I kind of dreaded having to walk down memory lane and relive some feelings that I thought I ditched a while ago.

Anyway, today was a good day. I surprised Caleb by having a picnic lunch at the park after school today. Then, I got a call from Tim and he asked where we were. I thought it was strange that he was asking because he was at work anyway. He had actually gone home to surprise us for lunch since he had to head to Denmark and make a few stops along the way this afternoon. So he came to the park and ate lunch with us. It was nice :-)

Well, it's a beautiful day out so we're going to enjoy it by playing some soccer. Catch ya'll later.

Earthquakes and tsunamis

Last night, I happened upon a documentary on the earthquake and tsunami damage in Japan. Normally I would've just changed the channel to one of my "shows." Instead, I just sat there and was in awe of the intricate design of God's creation, the earth. Science has always been fascinating to me so it was interesting to hear what scientists had to say about everything. I had no idea that there were over 500 aftershocks in Japan, some were even greater intensities than the initial one!

After looking at a map of the plate tectonics lying beneath Japan, I counted not 2, not 3, but SIX plates! The pressure released by the movement of one plate caused the earthquake and the movement of the ocean floor created the waves of the tsunami. The release of pressure from one plate probably created more pressure onto one or more of the neighboring plates. To me, Japan sounds like a ticking time bomb!

I'm definitely no expert, but have always seemed to love geology. I wondered why I never pursued that.....

Anyway, watching video footage of the tsunami acting like a big glacier, tearing up the city beneath it and gaining more power as it pulled more of the wreckage into its path, I struggled with my emotions. The scene captivated me. I couldn't imagine people being in there. Yet, they showed the aftermath and how the Japanese were putting flags in the mud and debris to mark the deceased. I was so saddened and still can't imagine what those people are going through. It's so easy to forget about something that happened on the other side of the world. It's even easy to forget about something that happened yesterday. Talk about desensitization in our society. Sure, the newscasters will show some photos of homeless Japanese men and women amid the aftermath. We'll feel bad for them, but will we really think about how their world literally came crashing down on them? Sometimes I feel helpless -- but then I'm reminded of the power of prayer.

Praying for the Japanese -- that this be a great opportunity to learn more about Jesus Christ and how God can provide for them and comfort them during this time of distress. May God soften the hearts of the Japanese and plant seeds of faith through any believers that they encounter. Lord, just be with these people. They need you so much right now.

*Sorry if this seemed so scattered. Some of my thoughts were lost from last night into today. Other thoughts just kept coming back and I needed to write them down. If you're reading this, please join me in continued prayers for Japan.

Pulling out my hair at times

Parenting is not always easy. Sure, the kids can be very sweet at times, almost angelic. Yet, they have their moments where they like to push your buttons and see how far you'll go. Empty threats of discipline followed by sitting in the corner on the "naughty chair," being put on yellow or even red light, losing special privileges.... I just need to find something that works. Yes, I'm talking about my little boy. Lately, he has been a lot more sassy and has either lost his sense of hearing or is choosing not to listen to mommy and daddy. He's even been teasing a kid at school and doesn't always listen to his teachers. This is not the same kid I placed in 4K at the beginning of the school year. I'm hoping it's just a phase that will pass by.

The other day, I felt like a failure of a mother. I can't control my own kid! But... I have to remember that he has a mind of his own and I won't always be able to control his behavior or the words he says. It was easier when he was littler and acted so sweet and innocent almost all of the time. I'm not ready to be a parent of a 4 and 1/2 year old! Well, I'm ready, but apparently not very well prepared. I guess Caleb will just have to be the guinea pig like all first-borns. I'll probably make some mistakes along the way. (Hopefully nothing too serious! haha) Someone reminded me that Caleb is a pretty good kid most of the time so I must be doing something right. He just seems to act up so much when I'm around that I tend to see the not so angelic side of my little guy.

I've been trying to pray a lot more for my children and also for my parenting. It seems to help a little, but at the end of the day, I still feel like pulling out my hair!

Does anyone have some good ideas to reinforce positive behavior / discipline? I feel like I've tried everything. Maybe I'm lacking consistency with enforcing our current "policies". Either that or I need to try something new and start from scratch.

Well, that's my rant for the moment. Sonya has been teething lately and just whines a lot throughout the day so that probably doesn't help my sanity much. Thank goodness she is taking a morning nap today! I better get a few things done while she's sleeping! Over and out!

The more I pray...

It seems that the more I pray, the more God challenges me. I've been praying a lot about the house that He has in mind for us. Sometimes I wonder why He even lets me get my hopes up about certain houses... only to have them crushed when we learn that the house has an accepted offer or they've taken their house off the market. Yesterday was one of those days of disappointment. I'm learning to just trust that God knows what's best for us. When I look back on some of the doors and windows that He has closed, I realize that maybe that house wasn't quite right for our family. It's still possible that a window or door might open up again. He might be doing some work with the seller's family that we don't know about.

It's funny how I've started praying for complete strangers. Tim suggested that we pray that the buyers on a house we liked would win the lottery or get a really fantastic job in another state so they'd have to pull their offer on the house and we'd be next in line since we put a secondary offer on it. On another house, I'm praying that a woman gets to keep her job and/or they are able to still qualify for a loan on the house that they have an accepted offer on. They have a contingency that they have to sell their house first before they can go forward with the closing on their new house. Who knows? Everything might fall into place so that we still get one of those two houses. Otherwise, it's a new day and we saw two more houses that we can tour. Which direction does God want us to go? We'll find out.... eventually.

For now, I'm just trusting that God will continue to guide us even though at times I feel like I'm on a wild goose chase trying to find a needle in a haystack. I'll find that needle one of these days. :-)