Temptation in a plastic cup

I think I found a new friend. Her name is pumpkin cheesecake. Mix her up with some vanilla custard at Culvers and this is what you get: 

It tastes so GOOD! I'm so glad I only got a mini sized one and shared it with Sonya. I can only imagine how it'll go to my hips. haha... It's so worth it though. I love you pumpkin cheesecake! Shh... don't tell Tim! :-)

Friends that Last

I've been on an "Ugly Betty" kick for a little while. I had watched episodes here and there when it was on TV, but missed quite a few because it was on while Caleb was awake and I chose to spend time with him. So when I saw the season DVDs at the library, I decided to watch every episode. I'm still not done yet. For some reason, they were missing season one so I have to look those up on hulu. But, the character of Betty seems quite familiar to me in a lot of ways.

Betty is very passionate about the people and things that she loves. She's punctual, responsible, and has a big heart. I couldn't see anyone not liking her. You know what though? Kids in high school and even her co-workers couldn't look past her appearance to see what she was actually capable of. The only reason she got her big chance at Mode magazine was because the owner didn't want his son, the editor, to be tempted by the secretary. In grade school and even parts of high school, I was far from popular and far from being stylish or "pretty". I was the shy, smart kid that did all her homework, listened to the teachers, and read a lot. I didn't have many friends, let alone good friends that have stayed with me up until this particular chapter of my life. The one thing that Betty had that I didn't was confidence. She saw past what others thought and was exactly who she wanted to be. I've always admired that quality.

One of the episodes that I watched made me question who my real friends are and why. Betty's friend/ex-boyfriend, Gio, didn't want to talk to her anymore mainly because she broke up with him. She couldn't understand why he was avoiding her. She tried apologizing and thought that would help them be friends again. It wasn't enough. Why should she try and repair a broken friendship with someone that didn't even want to talk to her anymore? Was she being selfish? Yes, a little bit. She couldn't stand the thought of someone hating her or disliking her. That's the part I can totally relate to. I've always drifted from one group of friends to another. It seemed like I was never good enough to be a friend or I was the one that kids turned to as sort of an adoptive friend when they were having problems with their current friend. Once they were fine again, I was the friend left in the dust. I strived so hard for them to like me only to be left on the wayside. Talk about a real confidence shattering. I didn't see friendships as a give and take relationship since I did all the giving and didn't experience much of the taking. I was "friends" with other kids for selfish reasons -- to feel needed and loved. I really thought they'd like me and that I could finally have a bosom friend like Anne of Green Gables. I was naive and thought that anyone could be friends with anyone else if they really wanted. It wasn't rocket science.

We all have a desire to be wanted. For me, I became someone else when I was around different people. I liked the things that they liked because I didn't want to lose their friendship. Instead, I lost my identity. Now, I have a lot of interests, but I wonder if they're really mine. I think so, but it's hard to tell. Who is Michelle Nikolai? Well, I'm still a bit of a dork or a geek. (Just ask Tim!) I like conversations that make me think. I love learning and would go to grad school in a heart beat if I could. I'm horrible at remembering names of books and movies. (I could watch or read something 5x and still be surprised in parts of the movie or book). I wear my heart on my sleeve even though I try to be strong. I'm better at communicating by writing than talking in person sometimes. I enjoy singing even though I could never make it past the auditions for American Idol. I love Jesus and try to be a better person everyday. I'm working on being a better friend. It's hard when I feel shut out though or when I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the friendship. In that sense, I don't think I'm being selfish anymore. I've made progress. I'm growing. Friendships are blossoming while others fade. I don't need to be the center of attention. I don't need to be popular. I just need to be there when you need me. That's what true friendship is all about. Thank you to all my friends out there that truly care and take the time to give and take. I love and appreciate each of you. :-)

Love,
Michelle

Here's to Happily Ever After

*Today, I was inspired to write about my friend's wedding and all the details. I enjoy writing about things that I know and recording them. No worries if you don't read through all of this. It's pretty long. It's mostly for my own memory purposes.*

Friday morning -- I tried cleaning up the house as best as I could before my mom arrived. She was going to be watching our kids all weekend while Tim and I were in Illinois for the wedding. Since Caleb was in school, it was easier to have my mom come to the house so she could pick him up later. Then the kids would be able to sleep in their own beds for the night. So my mom came around 11am. We were just finishing up some packing. I showed my mom where to pick up Caleb after school, double checked that we had everything (including maps), and we were off. Sonya seemed pretty content to just be held by Grandma. I don't think she realized we were going to be gone for so long.

We were on the road for a little over an hour before we stopped to eat lunch. It was really healthy! Well, my sandwich had lettuce and tomato on it. :-) and I had a cinnamelt. Ok, so it wasn't healthy at all. But, it tasted REALLY good! The weather was kind of chilly and my food helped warm me up. I was already wearing my dress for the rehearsal because I didn't know if we'd have time to get ready before everything started.

We arrived at my friend's house around 2pm. Tim dropped me off so he could go check-in at the hotel already. I got to finish up my make-up and chill with E and another bridesmaid, R. I met a few of the groomsmen including the one I'd be paired up with during the wedding ceremony. He had the same name as the groom so that made it easy to remember. Three o'clock rolled around and we walked next door to J's parents' house. (J is the groom). They have a beautiful property. I don't even know how big it was. We only saw the area where we did the rehearsal. J was trying to hook up speakers so we could have the music while we practiced walking down the "aisle." It was a LONG way to walk. All of us girls were thinking that we'd fall in our heels because the actual grounds where the wedding was going to be held had a grassy aisle with stone paths.

Once we did one run through, I ran back to L's house with R so she could change shoes and I could change into something warmer. It wasn't super fancy, but a nice sweater with black pants would be better in the chilly weather. Tim got back to the house around this time so we all walked over to J's parents' house again. We went inside to open gifts from the bride and groom. L gave me a photo frame filled with pictures of her and I from our past along with some silver flip flops for dancing at the wedding, and a silver shawl to wear over my shoulders if I got cold after the ceremony. She gave Tim and I a bottle of red wine, Cabernet Sauvignon to take back to our hotel since we weren't staying at the main hotel where the rest of the wedding party would be.

There wasn't much time before the coach bus would get there so Tim and I took all of our stuff back to his car. Then we chatted for a little bit until we boarded the bus. Well, Tim got to ride the bus while the bridal party all rode in a limo.

We were traveling from Crystal Lake, IL to Lake Geneva, WI. It's funny because we totally passed Lake Geneva on our way down. Anyway, we were headed to the lake for a dinner cruise rehearsal dinner. The limo ride was fun. It was my first time in one. We had a bottle of Reisling and I drank a few glasses of that. Apparently, the bus took a different way than we did and got to the lake earlier so they drove around and J's dad grabbed the mic so he could give a tour. lol! I had thought we saw them ahead of us at one point, but they left after us so I didn't think it was possible.

The dinner cruise was nice. As we walked on the Lady of the Lake, we were greeted with glasses filled with champagne.

So Tim and I grabbed one and found a spot to sit.

We ended up at a table with R and her husband, P. R had gone to Ripon College too so I knew her a little bit, but it was fun to get to know her better. It's too bad she lives in CA! Well, maybe it's a good reason to travel out there! Our boat had three levels. The bottom one, where we ate, was heated so we stayed down there most of the time. The second level had a bar where I got a kiddy cocktail (hehe) and technically there was a dance floor, but it was too cold to stay on that level very long. I never made it to the third level though. Some people gave speeches and that about sums it up for the cruise.

The ride back to Crystal Lake was rather quiet. I think we were all tired and some of the boys had been drinking a little too much so that probably didn't help. But, we made it back and Tim and I left for our hotel for the night. It was close to 11pm or maybe later by the time we got there so we fell asleep right away.

Saturday morning -- I tried sleeping in a bit. For some reason, I was having a hard time sleeping. I think I was a bit nervous and excited about what to expect during the rest of the day. We were meeting at L's parents' house to get our hair and make-up done. So I got there at 8:30. It was so nice to feel pampered. I chose a messy side bun for my hairstyle and L's family friend did my make-up with natural tones since I wasn't sure I could pull off anything else without looking like a clown. lol.. L's grandma was hilarious. She was flirting with the photographer and he dubbed her as his date for the night. It was a good time for girl bonding. I loved spending time with L's family.

Once we were all beautified, we headed over to Mundelein/Libertyville area so people could do early check-in at the Hilton Garden Inn. As I mentioned before, Tim and I were staying somewhere else so we chauffeured some of the bridal party around since Tim could check us in after the girls were settled. We kind of got lost on the way to the main hotel though and had to stop for directions. Of course the best place to stop is at a chocolate store, right? They were nice and printed out a little map for Tim and my loving husband decided to buy some chocolate too! We were only running a few minutes behind -- got to the Hilton and basically turned around to go to the Lake Forest Academy to get dressed at the Armour House. It was going to be a fancy wedding!

We all ate a quick sandwich from Subway and then got into our dresses before adding a flower to our hair. The bride was absolutely stunning in her dress. I've never seen her so happy!

The photographers were ready for us so after the bride and groom had a few photos done, the whole wedding party met outside on the lawn to have our pictures taken.

My wedding partner asked me if he smelled like alcohol. I replied, "yeah, kinda." lol... I was just thankful that he didn't smell like smoke. He had been smoking the night before, but I guess he decided to use the fake cigarettes like you see on infomercials that use a mist of some sort. So yeah... it was interesting. By the time we were done, I was so ready to take my shoes off. I'm so not used to wearing heels! All the other girls followed suit and rested their feet before the ceremony was about to start. Then, a little before 5:30pm, we went downstairs to line up.

The music started and we all made it down the grassy aisle without falling. That had been my worst fear. I looked over at the groom as the bride walked in to Canon in D playing. He had a goofy grin on his face and that told me that he was happy to be marrying my friend. Even though he had seen the bride earlier during photos, his face still lit up as if it was the first time he had laid eyes on her.

The rest of the ceremony went without a glitch. I had to laugh during the sand ceremony though because E ended up using all her sand before J was done. Oh well. Then J kissed the bride... a magical moment. The groomsmen and bridesmaids followed. There were waiters at the end of the aisle with champagne for all of us. We didn't stand around for too much longer when platters of quesadillas, beef teriaki, phillo wrapped brie with raspberry, and salmon mousse were being served to us. I felt like royalty. I've never been to a wedding like that!

We had time to chat a little bit before the wedding party had to head upstairs so we could be introduced. I was so glad that I switched into my silver flip flops to go down the stairs. I'm reminded of the Princess Diaries and scenes like that where they present the princess or queen. They walk down the stairs with candles at the base of the railing and everyone is watching. This is why I was thankful for flip flops. There was no way I wanted to trip down the steps in front of everyone.

Dinner was lovely. We sat with R & P again and C & J.

We all had a little champagne to toast with before our meal was served. L's sisters and brother did a little song/dance sort of routine. It was SO funny and fit L perfectly. After our final toast to L and J, the waiters began serving us our salad and rolls. Then we had a cold, pineapple sorbet. After that, it was spinach stuffed chicken with long stemmed beans and smashed garlic potatoes. It was delicious. I was so full, but couldn't pass up the wedding cake. The filling was kind of like a strawberry cheesecake. To die for! I sipped the rest of my white wine with that.

While everyone was finishing up eating, we watched a slideshow of J and L. Then it was dancing time!

Tim isn't a big dancer, but I got him out on the floor for a little bit. The dance didn't start until around 10pm so it was getting to be a long day already. We were both pretty exhausted and usually went to bed at 10 so by the time the dance wrapped up, we were ready to head back to the hotel. We helped clean up a few things, said goodbye to L, and were off.

Sunday morning -- Tim and I watched some cartoons at our hotel before we checked out. L had gotten us breakfast tickets at the Hilton so we went over to have brunch with people. We sat with R and P again. Then it was time to depart. After saying a final congratulations to the bride and groom, we started our short journey home. I think the kids missed a little bit. I sure missed them.

The END! ... or just the beginning?

 

Blah!

I keep wanting to write, but then get overwhelmed with everything I could write about. So I just don't do it. Then, the list keeps growing until I just have to start somewhere. I still have no idea where the beginning is. I just know that sometimes, I just have to write. It's in my blood. It makes me happy to unleash all the thoughts crowding in my brain. Although, sometimes my mind feels empty and I wonder where all the thoughts went. Are they lost in my subconscious somewhere? Hmm... something to ponder.

Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent. I tend to do that occasionally or maybe quite more often than I'd like. It's the way that I think though and when you have five million thoughts going through your head at one time, one is bound to go off on at least one or two tangents, right? (or in my case... many more!)

This past weekend was fun. I was in my best friend's wedding. She was my freshman roommate and we created a bond that makes us quite inseparable. Well, we live a little more than two hours away so we don't see each other as often as we'd like, but whenever we get together (about once or twice a year), it's as if we pick up right where we left off. I wish she lived right next door though. I miss being able to see her almost every day. We'd talk about everything -- our dreams, our aspirations, family problems, and of course boy problems. There was always a little bit of drama to keep things interesting. :-)

So anyway, it was nice to see my friend and get to know her family even better. I really enjoyed talking with her grandma especially since I only have one living grandma left (she's on my dad's side) and her memory is slowly losing the battle to dementia. I don't know if my grandma remembers me when I visit. She acts like she knows Caleb sometimes, but she definitely has no idea who Sonya is from one minute to the next after we tell her. It's tough. Even though my grandma is alive and well, I still miss her old self -- the one that knew our entire family tree and had all the latest gossip from town. She never complained about anything. I've always admired her. Now, when we get together, the only thing we can really do is play cards because it makes us all feel like she's still there. It's so easy to pretend like everything is normal (well... other than the moments when grandma "forgets" whose turn it is... but even that could happen before). 

Well, I guess I don't know what to write next. I've been kind of feeling cooped up in the house even though I was just gone for the weekend with Tim. It's been a bit of an adjustment having Caleb at school. I have a lot more time to myself in the afternoon since Sonya naps. I procrastinate though. My house could be sparkling clean -- dishes done, laundry all folded, toys picked up... but I do the bare minimum because I'd rather watch something on hulu or read a book or bake a pie! As my mom would say, my house looks "lived in." She hated that her mom had a pristine house and all of her dolls displayed in a glass case that no one could touch. So I don't mind that my house isn't perfect. I'd prefer it to have a few things out of place. Although it probably drives Tim nuts to think I wasn't being productive all day. That brings me to another thought. I feel like I could be doing more with myself. I could try to take an online Spanish class or adopt a grandparent at the nursing home. If only I wouldn't give up on myself before I start. 

Did you know that I'm a worrier? Yes, as in one who worries. I try my best to give it all to God, but sometimes Satan creeps in and gets the best of my mind. I worried a TON about my weekend away before it even started. What should I pack? What should I wear for the rehearsal? How should I do my hair? Which shoes do I need? Did I remember my toothbrush? How cold is it going to be? I made a list of what needed to be done so at least it wasn't all floating around in my head, but it didn't help much. My mom had never really watched both kids overnight before -- let alone two nights in a row. It was Sonya's second overnight without mommy and daddy. So I wanted to make sure they had enough food and that their overnight bags were packed for when they decided to drive over to grandma and grandpa's since Caleb still had school. Despite all my worrying, I only forgot a pair of jeans. I just wore my black pants so it wasn't the end of the world. Sonya survived with a little less sleep than she's used to, but it all ended well. I wish I didn't worry myself so much. It's like having a huge weight sitting in my stomach like a lump of lead. I almost need to be told what to do because I can't think for myself. Tim tried being helpful when I asked his opinion on stuff, but he's not a woman and basically said I looked good in anything I showed him. haha... men! or should I say husbands!

This is getting long. I guess I had more to write about than I thought. Once I get going, it's harder to stop. So I bid you all adieu for now and will be back soon with more thoughts from Michelle. :-)

Teaching Sunday School

For some reason, the Lord put it on Tim and my hearts to teach Sunday School for the 4th-6th grade again. Last year we were just fill-ins and now we're "in charge." It's going to be a challenge, that's for sure. But... the blessings will be that much greater! I can't wait to develop relationships with these kids and watch them grow in their faith. Today was good. We talked about worshiping God and how all of humanity is called to worship Him. Our passage was in Romans 1 where Paul is saying how he's not ashamed of the gospel because it proclaims how we can be SAVED! He addresses the Romans telling them that in all things, we can see God, yet the foolish will worship the beautiful things He has made while the wise will worship their Creator. It's an awesome message. I was even able to share my testimony. The kids actually sat quiet and listened without interruption. I was surprised to capture their attention so well. haha...

(Oh, and Tim used an analogy about a really great sandwich that unfortunately has a few specks of mold on one of the pieces of bread. If we had a choice to eat the sandwich as is, we'd probably toss it. Otherwise, the other option is to cut out that tiny little chuck of bread and enjoy our sandwich anyway. It's just like God sent Jesus down for us to wipe away our sin or remove that bit of mold from our lives so that we can still be a part of God's life without being thrown in the trash. Hope that makes sense. I thought it was kind of clever. Tim is so good at coming up with weird stuff like that... lol. I'm so glad we work together!) -- UPDATE: Ok, I lied... well, not really. I thought Tim came up with it all on his own only to find out he found it on google. *sigh* so disappointing...lol

Throughout this year, I'd really like to teach the kids to dig into the Bible and try to understand it on their own. Obviously, Tim and I will be there to help move things along. But, I just want to develop in them a sense of wonder and awe of God's Word. I want them to grow and learn more about why they believe the things they do. I want to prepare them for the world that is filled with hypocrisy and judgement. I want them to be able to defend their faith if they're ever in a situation where someone is trying to convince them that they're wrong. I want to see a strong, solid foundation that they and others can continue to build off of. They're our future! God has so many wonderful things in store for them. I'm hoping they will practice their faith in their daily lives and share it openly without being ashamed of the Good News.

I might be setting high goals for myself, but I know that through prayer and the help of God, we can mold these young minds into an army for the Lord. I just pray that I can stay strong and not get discouraged. There will be times when the kids won't listen or just won't understand. I pray that God will speak through Tim and I and guide our words and actions. I pray that I'm more diligent in my daily reading and that I can do better to be an example not only for my students, but for other adults and my own children. God is so good and I just want to be on FIRE for Him and just have His light shine down.

Lord, help me to share my excitement and enthusiasm with these kids. Let me be a beacon of your love. Give me patience beyond what I need. Help me to show them what it is to be a child of God. Thank you so much for this opportunity to work with this age group. It is going to be a great way to grow closer to You and to just continue growing in my own walk with You.

Your loving daughter,
Michelle

Should I try this?

I'm in a wedding next weekend and am trying to figure out how I want to have my hair done. For some reason, I've been thinking of a side bun updo. Do you think I can pull it off?

With this dress...

She's so vain

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and am just not happy with what I see. My face is breaking out again, the red blotches dotted on my arms and legs linger like angry mosquito bites, there are dark circles under my eyes, and the list could go on. Why is it that we, as women, have to be so critical of ourselves? Despite how I look, my husband is always supportive and tries to reassure me that I'm indeed beautiful. Does he see something that I don't?

I think part of the problem is that we're constantly comparing ourselves to each other -- clothes that we wear, lifestyles we lead, cars and houses, significant others, the behavior of our kids, our spirituality, our cooking ability, etc. Where does it end? We always want just a little bit more. Yet, then we go through seasons of complete contentment before the cycle starts all over again.

I'm guilty and a little embarrassed by the fact that sometimes I don't feel "good enough." Maybe it's my problem of perfectionism. I want to be the best at everything. I try so hard not to act vain, but sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror, I think to myself that maybe I am vain in a sense. Maybe we all are....

When I spend a little extra time to put on some make-up, put on a nice outfit, and actually have time to do my hair, I feel pretty. And I feel confident in a pair of hoop earrings and some heels. Is it so wrong to actually feel beautiful sometimes? It's one thing to be told that we're cute, or "hot", or beautiful, but it's another to actually feel like we are. I want to go out on a limb and predict that all women feel like this periodically. I just don't want my kids growing up thinking that their appearance means everything in the world to their friends and family. It doesn't at all. I pray that I can be more comfortable in my own skin without feeling like I need to look or act like someone else -- I just need to be me again.