Broken and Shattered

My heart hurts today.... actually I've felt like this for almost a week. I'm just never sure what to write here or if I should bother sharing a part of my heart. My heart has been broken and even shattered to pieces before from relationships and even friendships.

Right now, I just feel like a friend that's waiting on the wayside until I'm "needed" again. I feel like I'm not enough of a friend to be pursued by others. I feel like I initiate the majority of conversations (whether by email, mail, phone, or instant messages). I wonder why I always get stuck as the initiator. Sometimes it's nice to just be pursued instead of acting as the pursuer. So here I am waiting again.

I could very easily just call someone up to chat or plan a play date. For some reason though, I feel like I'm interrupting their day so it doesn't make me too eager to try getting a hold of them any time soon. Either that or I'll call and leave a voice mail that doesn't get returned. I'm stuck in a circle.

I feel pathetic for feeling slighted and disappointed. I just want to curl up on the couch and be a hermit all day. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone, but at the same time, I want to feel like I matter and that someone cares.

It's ironic that I feel this way when I've been preparing a Bible study on friendship -- the kind that David and Jonathan shared. I pray that these feelings will be lifted soon. I just have to remind myself that Jesus can fulfill my every need. He's always there to pursue me, just waiting at the door until I'm ready to hang out or have a conversation. Oh, what a friend I have in Jesus.

Whew -- now that I got this off my chest, I feel a little better already. Maybe I can break out of the circle today and become a better friend myself. It's a new day.

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A Case of the "Almost" 30's

Today, I went in to see the dentist. I needed a filling. Ugh! I was NOT looking forward to it. So while my mouth was slowly getting number, the dental assistant started chatting with me. She was a very pleasant woman and gave me a very nice compliment, I think.

Dental Assistant: So are you a student?
Me: (contemplating how to break it to her....) I'm actually married with two kids.
Dental Assistant: Oh really? I never would've guessed. How old are your kids?
Me: One is six and..
Dental Assistant: Six! Wow! You don't look like you'd have any that old. How old is the other one?
Me: She's two and half.
Dental Assistant: You look so young.
Me: Well, I guess that'll serve me well when I get older.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm 28 going on 29 in December. How did the time fly by so fast?

Yet, I look in the mirror and I haven't aged too much. That's a good thing, right?

I just don't want to look like I'm too young to be a mom. But... I guess if I'm 50 and look like I'm 40, I'll take that. So in a sense, I've been given a compliment. If I had the choice of having to look older than I am or younger, I'd take younger any day.

So.... next year, I turn the big 3-0. It seems like it's so far away, but it's less than a year and a half from now. Some of my friends are in their 30's already, but they don't seem that "old." It seems impossible for me to approach mine. Again, how did the time fly by so fast?

Meanwhile, the feeling in my mouth/cheek is slowly starting to return. Yeah, it's only been 4.5 hours since they numbed me. haha

Here's to aging gracefully.

Overflowing thoughts...

So much on my mind lately ---

For some reason, I keep getting sucked in to Pinterest. There are so many great ideas out there on how to dress up your home. Instead of appreciating what I have and where I am, why is it that I still want something just a little bit better? I don't like that feeling -- the feeling that I'm being materialistic. When I think back to the time we were house hunting (a year and a half ago), I remember telling Tim that I was content with our apartment. So even if we didn't find a house right away, I knew that everything would work out and I'd be fine living in the apartment for a few years or more if that's what God wanted. Now that I have a house, I find myself "wanting" so much more. Is it because I have more space? Is it because I want to be "like everybody else"? It's probably both of those things along with the pressure from society and things like Facebook and Pinterest. While they're fun to see how everyone is doing, I can't help but feeling a twinge of jealousy at times along with feelings that I'm not good enough or my house isn't good enough. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if I don't have exactly what everyone else does. God has provided what I need and that's "enough" for me.

Moving on -- I've been trying to come up with ideas for a women's study at church. The leaders of our Moments for Moms group aren't able to do it this year in the same capacity as they did last year. One of them has moved out of state so she's not around to help. I've just had it on my heart for the past year to lead a study of some sort. I haven't fully decided who the target group should be -- just young moms - any age of moms - just women in general. It could even be a combo group where we split off into smaller groups depending on how many people come. The idea I have for the study is more topical -- trying to delve into those subjects that we all struggle with. Some of the topics might be more of reminders while others might turn into great revelations. Behind it all, my goal is to bring women together -- to open up to each other and make ourselves a little vulnerable so that we can learn more about each other and build even great bonds. It's kind of like marriage -- when I found Tim, I knew that by sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings, I was more susceptible to a greater hurt if things didn't work out... BUT I also knew that it was possible to find the greatest love that way too. I think this can carry over into friendships with women.

Anyway, my brain feels like it's on overload. I just can't get all my ideas to come together. So I'm just writing down thoughts to hopefully find a way to make sense of it. I've been praying too. Only God knows the names of the women that will make it into this study and He knows what they'll need to hear. I'm just a vessel  being used. I have to get over myself and remember that it's not about me or the success of this study -- it's about glorifying a wonderful God in all that I do.

Well, it's been a raining morning. We just watched three episodes of the Magic School Bus already and I should probably get a few things done. Adios for now.

I'm not good enough...

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I compare myself...

to other women -- moms, wives, friends.

I'm not good enough -- EVER!

Does this sound familiar? It's the story of my life. I'm pretty sure most women can relate. It's just that most of us don't want to admit that our life preservers have a hole in them and we feel like we're sinking. We talk about the good things that are going on in our lives and try to almost brag about all that we can do. It's like a silent competition to see who can do the most without going insane. While we try to be sincerely happy for our friends, we can't help but feel like we're not good enough.

What about those moms that act like Wonder Woman? You know the ones I mean -- they take care of the kids, they cook and clean, they're involved with the PTA, they get together with friends, they're on a sports team, they're part of a Bible study, and they have time for their husbands. From an outside perspective, their lives look so perfect (and overwhelmingly busy!). Those are the women that I tend to hold on a pedestal of sorts where I aim to be even just a fraction of who they are. Those are the women that make me feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, etc. That's when the chocolate comes out and small indulgences become more of a "must-have" in order to feel better about myself.

Is that really how we should be feeling though? I mean, seriously, as mothers/wives/friends/sisters/daughters -- we have a lot going on. There's not a really good way to compare ourselves fairly. We're all different.

Maybe we just need to change our perspective. Instead of thinking about what we're not doing, we should be thinking about what we are doing and remembering that it's all for the Kingdom. It's not for me or my kids or my husband, my family or my friends. It's all for God. Whoa! And you know what? God thinks you are exquisitely beautiful. You are worth pursuing as a friend and a wife. I mean, God is always there for a cup of coffee and a morning chat. He's there when the kids are fighting... again. He's there with those beautiful flowers growing in your yard (even if they might only be dandelions). He LOVES us. The colorful sunsets and starry nights should show us that God is pursuing us like a Lover. We are worth it -- we are good enough.

So the next time you're thinking that you don't measure up to someone else, get those crazy thoughts out of your mind. That woman is probably going through the same doubts as you. They're all lies though. We are MORE than good enough for God. I'm so thankful that I don't need to do anything special to catch His attention, I already have it. How awesome is that?

Significant Glory

As a Christian, I know that God has great plans for my life. However, I often interpret this as, "I'm going to make this amazingly huge impact on the Christian world." I'm often disappointed by the insignificance of all I do instead of feeling content in knowing that it's all for Jesus.

Yesterday, we were talking about a related topic during ABF. Some of our church members had gone to Belize and so a discussion arose in how one of them didn't feel that God used them to their capacity during the mission trip.

This got me to thinking of how God uses us and how we always want a piece of the big, old glory pie or we just want the whole pie to ourselves. It's so easy to forget that we're being used by God on a daily basis even in those everyday tasks that seem insignificant to us -- saying or waving "hello" to someone in passing, picking up that stray piece of garbage lying by the road, spending time with my kids, writing a short note to a friend. All of those things are seen by God and are being used in ways that we can only imagine.

Now, for a change in attitude. I know that all I do can and is being used by God -- anything big, small, or in-between. And I know that God gets the glory in all of it. I just need to stop being selfish by harboring some of that glory and acknowledge Him in all that I do.


God's truth: Insignificant actions don't exist. Do you know why? It's because even the smallest of tasks in God's world results in more than significant amounts of glory to Him, to Abba. Amen!

Pray for me

I have a confession -- I haven't been very good at getting into the Word every day. I think the last time (other than church) was over a month ago. While I know that's not the end of the world and that God will still love me, I can't help but feeling like I'm letting Him down and letting myself down. I can tell when I haven't been reading. My relationship with my family isn't the same. I'm not as happy of a person and I feel so distant from God.

Yet, it's by God's grace that He brushes me off and puts me back on my feet again. All I need is a chat with Him to put me back in the right direction. Why do I continue to keep putting off that conversation? Is it because I'm afraid of facing Him? I have all sorts of excuses for not reading -- no time, just not in the mood, I'd rather do something else, I forgot, I got distracted, I really meant to..... They sound pretty weak to me. I can only imagine what God is thinking.

Today, I could definitely tell that I've been a little too slack with reading my Bible. It's when I let space get between myself and God that I feel more alone, depressed, not good enough, and out of the loop. I was questioning a few friendships and whether or not I was just imagining them or if they were real. I've felt like maybe I've been trying too hard and now they're distancing themselves from me. I'm probably just imagining things. I've always been a little paranoid that people hate me for some reason. (Maybe "hate" is too strong of a word, but that's what I get in my head). I guess that's what happens when you have a childhood of being shy and the other kids always teasing you or talking behind your back.

I need to be praying for Tim and the kids more often too. I can tell because we've been arguing more with each other. The kids just aren't listening as well and Caleb is just talking back so much lately.

If you read this, please pray for me -- pray for endurance and patience, pray for peace, pray that I find more time with Lord throughout the day... that I make Him a priority. Thank you!

Well, I better go -- I'm hearing yelling and thumping again. I can only imagine what that might mean.