She's so vain

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and am just not happy with what I see. My face is breaking out again, the red blotches dotted on my arms and legs linger like angry mosquito bites, there are dark circles under my eyes, and the list could go on. Why is it that we, as women, have to be so critical of ourselves? Despite how I look, my husband is always supportive and tries to reassure me that I'm indeed beautiful. Does he see something that I don't?

I think part of the problem is that we're constantly comparing ourselves to each other -- clothes that we wear, lifestyles we lead, cars and houses, significant others, the behavior of our kids, our spirituality, our cooking ability, etc. Where does it end? We always want just a little bit more. Yet, then we go through seasons of complete contentment before the cycle starts all over again.

I'm guilty and a little embarrassed by the fact that sometimes I don't feel "good enough." Maybe it's my problem of perfectionism. I want to be the best at everything. I try so hard not to act vain, but sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror, I think to myself that maybe I am vain in a sense. Maybe we all are....

When I spend a little extra time to put on some make-up, put on a nice outfit, and actually have time to do my hair, I feel pretty. And I feel confident in a pair of hoop earrings and some heels. Is it so wrong to actually feel beautiful sometimes? It's one thing to be told that we're cute, or "hot", or beautiful, but it's another to actually feel like we are. I want to go out on a limb and predict that all women feel like this periodically. I just don't want my kids growing up thinking that their appearance means everything in the world to their friends and family. It doesn't at all. I pray that I can be more comfortable in my own skin without feeling like I need to look or act like someone else -- I just need to be me again.

Running - A chore or a pleasure?

I didn't think to add running to my list, but it's been something that I've been wanting to do more often. When I first ran earlier in the summer, I was only able to make it 3/4 of a mile and I was completely spent. I don't know if my breathing was off or what, but I didn't have the same sort of satisfaction that I had last night.

Since the weather was absolutely perfect -- nice and cool, I felt motivated to take a run. So I changed into some running clothes and got my shoes on before I changed my mind. If I'm in running mode, I just have to go otherwise I'll procrastinate and never get around to doing it. Well, I did a few warm-up stretches -- lunges, the grapevine, high knees, etc... then did a brisk walk around the block. Then, I ran. My beginning pace was a little too fast. There was no way I'd be able to keep that up if I wanted to get up to a mile. Once I had my breathing figured out, the run was quite enjoyable. It was the first time in a while where my lungs didn't feel like they were burning and my side wasn't aching.

I just kept winding around the streets near our house, not sure how far I'd make it and didn't want to be too far from home if for some reason I had to just walk back. I started at the corner of W. Theis and Benjamin and went north on Benjamin until I hit Beutel. Then I proceeded to go west on Beutel all the way until Holden. I headed back towards TJ and just kept on going until Whitefish. Then I took a left onto Webster, a right on Monroe, and ran back up to Benjamin where I sprinted the last stretch on James back to the house. I felt good. It took me a little bit to catch my breath so I walked around a bit and did a cool down.

After I got inside, I immediately went to the computer to check how far I went. I was amazed that it was 1.5 miles and couldn't believe that I did it!! I was aiming to do just a little over a mile and surpassed my individual goal. When I left the house, it was around 8:15 -- I had walked past Lincoln on W. Theis as my warm-up, but then didn't check my watch to see what time it was when I actually started running. Then I got home around 8:33. I don't have a digital watch and didn't have my phone with me to use the stopwatch so I was guesstimating on the times (plus it was dark out). I'm thinking I averaged a 9 minute mile.

Considering I only ran one other time this summer and haven't run more than 1/2 a mile since college, I was very happy with myself. Even though I was the only one running, I felt like I won the race. :-) I realized that I'm capable of ANYTHING! I just have to go out there and do it.

Today, I'm a little sore. I could actually feel it last night already, but I'm not going to complain. It's the kind of soreness that just feels good. Now the question is: When will Michelle run next and how far will she go?

Bucket List....

I want to do everything. I have way too many interests. I figure if I type them all up while I'm thinking of them, that might help my ADD type thoughts from overwhelming me.

Keep up with my Spanish
Learn Italian
Take a dance class
Finish my sunflower painting
Become an ambassador for World Vision
Adopt a nursing home resident
Play a sport
Start a Bible Study
Teach kids how to create origami boxes
Bake more (for others)
Write encouraging notes for friends (and others)
Spend more time with the kids
Travel - to CO or FL
Read everything by Nicholas Sparks and Alexander McCall Smith

I was reading in the paper the other day about three girls that created a summer bucket list. I thought that'd be fun to do with friends. It was just stuff that they wanted to accomplish during the summer - some practical stuff along with some goofy things too! Maybe the list above could be my "bucket list." Although, I don't know what kind of deadline I should give myself. All of these things could easily be accomplished if I just put my mind to it.

Troubles sleeping

Last night, I woke up soon after falling asleep. The pain in my abdomen was intense. It had been throbbing most of the day and pain killers just barely touched the worst of it. Yes, I'm talking about my monthly friend. I don't know why we refer to it as a "friend" as it's far from that. It's not a welcoming visit that I look forward to other than to confirm that I'm not expecting baby #3 quite yet. I was content not getting my friend for almost two years while I was pregnant with and nursing my youngest child. Anyway, I couldn't sleep. No position felt comforting to me. So I got out of bed and made my way to the couch, pillow in hand, to watch "Under the Tuscan Sun." I laid awake while completely captured by this movie. I felt inspired by the love and romance in Italy.

Lately, I've been trying to find an appropriate, yet romantic theme for our bedroom. Now, I have thoughts of transforming it to have the atmosphere of a Tuscan villa out in the countryside. It'd be tough and probably expensive to do though. Maybe Tim and I could just travel there instead. I've always wanted to go to Europe so I could see the vineyards and taste the fresh cheeses and walk through the markets to watch people bustling by as they make their produce purchases for the day. Movies make those types of places so enchanting. I only hope that my imagination of what it would be like is a dull comparison to the reality of it all.

While I was trying to doze off to sleep again, I made a feeble attempt to romanticize Port Washington. Of course I did not have a pen or paper near me so I recited it all in my head. The words seem so distant, lost in the fog of my memory. The gentle breeze running past my face like a warm kiss upon my cheek. I step outside to breathe in the sweet, cool air. It smells like rain; the long, neglected blades of grass glisten in the pale moonlight. Everything that had seemed so important faded into the background as I remembered what it was like to be an innocent child once again. Colors so vibrant surrounded me -- the morning sky, a pale greyish-blue with shades of red and yellow, a bright, fiery orange dancing in the sky while the majestic clouds illuminate the sunrise even more.

Purple petals so deeply beautiful ...

Like I said, the words sounded better when I was daydreaming after the movie. I can't fully capture the words and images that I pictured in my mind.

Free writing...

I keep wanting to write and don't know where to start. By the time I think of it, I have already run out of time to finish. So it just sits there -- kind of like the archives, getting dustier with age. The cobwebs increase and the cockroaches run to hide in the corners. Termites eat away at my wooden desk. It's how I imagine it right now. Since this is free writing, there's no turning back to delete my thoughts. This is going to get published... today. So I just sit here at my desk waiting for the right thing to write about.

The other day, I was going to write about magnetic personalities and how I wished I had one. Then I started feeling all negative about myself. It wasn't a good place for me to be. I'm always wishing I could change myself and maybe be a little more popular. I want people to feel drawn to me -- either just to talk, to get advice, to ask favors, to do nice things for me without even being asked. One of my gifts is that of encouragement. In college, I would constantly be sending out little cards to people that were having a rough day and just knowing I could bring a smile to our face was heart-warming. It's tough to be encouraging all the time especially when I'm feeling discouraged or not encouraged myself. I'm probably confusing you a bit. It's not an easy concept to wrap my head around either. I like being around people, but don't like having to be the one to always do the calling and the inviting. Sometimes I just feel alone in that area.

Ok... I just deleted a line so there goes my free writing. Well, I better get the kids to bed. It's already a little late. Tim is at softball right now so hopefully he goes the night without getting injured again. I wish I had more time to write, but after I tuck the kids in, I might go and play the guitar or read... I've been reading a book from my sister-in-law. It's about the life of Saul/Paul by Beth Moore. (I can't remember the exact title). Anyway, it's a good read and is making me really think about what it was like to live in Jesus' time.

Over and out...
-Michelle

Slowing Down...

I think that sometimes God is trying to tell us to slow down a little and just trust Him a little more. All last week, I was hoping to do a lot of organizing, cleaning, and packing to get ready for moving day. Alas, I got hit with a horrible sinus infection -- one of the worst that I've had in a long time. On top of feeling miserable and fatigued, my left ear had a lot of pressure so I couldn't really hear out of it. (I'm still waiting for that pressure to subside). Anyway, being sick slowed me down enough that I just didn't get anything done around the house. Things didn't go as I had planned in my head. Then, my sister called me up out of the blue and asked if I'd like a visitor. She didn't have to work for a few days, so she came down on Sunday night and is staying until later today ... or maybe tomorrow depending on if we need her. She's been a blessing with helping watch the kids and just distracting me from worrying too much about closing on our house.

Our loan officer sent us an email yesterday with the final amount that we need to bring to closing. We wanted to see a break-down so asked for a copy of the papers that gave details on every expense item. It turns out that they didn't include a credit that we are expecting from the sellers to go towards some electrical work. Luckily, Tim saw that and had to make a lot of calls to get the paperwork changed by working with our realtor and loan officer. I'm not sure if it was the title company that did it wrong or what, but we were a little stressed out last night after our closing costs and down payment fluctuated throughout the day.

After the long day, I was looking forward to watch a nice, relaxing softball game since Tim had a double header last night through our church. It'd be the first game of the season that had decent enough weather for me to come along with the kids. Plus, my sister was here to help with the kids. Well, the weather was still pretty windy and a little chilly so we bundled up into the car. I had popped some popcorn to bring as a snack. It was going to be nice. As we're pulling into the park's parking lot, I see Tim going in the opposite direction. My first thought was that they decided at the last minute that they were going to a different diamond or that the other team forfeited already. I was wondering why he hadn't called me or anything though. I thought I saw something on his chin as we drove past so I told my sister that he was probably going to the emergency room. Although, if he was hurt that bad, I didn't know why he was driving himself.

I pulled into a parking spot to wait and then Tim called. "I'm going to Urgent Care." What???? "I got hit with a ball during practice and the guys thought I needed stitches." So, in my mind, I was freaking out a little, but tried to stay relatively calm. We turned around and met him at the urgent care that was a few blocks from the baseball diamond. I helped him fill out all his paperwork. He didn't want me to stay with him at all and said to just go back to the park to let the kids play and he'd meet us there to watch the game. I had him show me his battle wound really quick just to have an idea of what we were up against and confirmed that he would definitely need some stitches.

With the kids still in the car with my sister, we went back to the park. I watched a little of the game and played with the kids for 45 minutes. It got chilly and I wanted to check on Tim. So we went to urgent care and he was STILL in the waiting room!!! I couldn't believe it. I was SO mad!! I almost chewed out the receptionist, but Tim told me not to bother because it wasn't going to help anything. He'd just complain later in a survey or something. Well, I wasn't sure how much longer he would need to wait, but he insisted he was next in line and that I should just go home to get the kids to bed and maybe pack a few things into my sister's van already. So, I got Tim some more paper towels because his chin was still bleeding a little and then went home.

I kept pacing around the house and looking out the window to see if Tim was home yet. He had been at urgent care since a little after 6pm and finally got home closer to 8:30pm. Yeah, he waited about an hour and fifteen minutes before he was seen by a doctor. But, they stitched him up pretty quick and sent him home. Five stitches in his chin.

Needless to say, instead of worrying about closing on our house this morning -- in two hours to be exact, I was more worried about my husband. God sure knows how to slow us down and appreciate the more important things -- like Tim and my sister and my family.

Writing again!

Seems like life has gotten so busy lately. I had kind of lost my passion for writing. Now it's slowly coming back and I feel a little happier too. :-)

I finally got around to posting the next part of "my story" in Grace Like Rain. So for those of you readers that have been anxiously waiting to hear more, I just posted today. Sorry it took me so long, but it was tough to write about and that was what was holding me back from writing much of anything. I kind of dreaded having to walk down memory lane and relive some feelings that I thought I ditched a while ago.

Anyway, today was a good day. I surprised Caleb by having a picnic lunch at the park after school today. Then, I got a call from Tim and he asked where we were. I thought it was strange that he was asking because he was at work anyway. He had actually gone home to surprise us for lunch since he had to head to Denmark and make a few stops along the way this afternoon. So he came to the park and ate lunch with us. It was nice :-)

Well, it's a beautiful day out so we're going to enjoy it by playing some soccer. Catch ya'll later.