Blah!

I keep wanting to write, but then get overwhelmed with everything I could write about. So I just don't do it. Then, the list keeps growing until I just have to start somewhere. I still have no idea where the beginning is. I just know that sometimes, I just have to write. It's in my blood. It makes me happy to unleash all the thoughts crowding in my brain. Although, sometimes my mind feels empty and I wonder where all the thoughts went. Are they lost in my subconscious somewhere? Hmm... something to ponder.

Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent. I tend to do that occasionally or maybe quite more often than I'd like. It's the way that I think though and when you have five million thoughts going through your head at one time, one is bound to go off on at least one or two tangents, right? (or in my case... many more!)

This past weekend was fun. I was in my best friend's wedding. She was my freshman roommate and we created a bond that makes us quite inseparable. Well, we live a little more than two hours away so we don't see each other as often as we'd like, but whenever we get together (about once or twice a year), it's as if we pick up right where we left off. I wish she lived right next door though. I miss being able to see her almost every day. We'd talk about everything -- our dreams, our aspirations, family problems, and of course boy problems. There was always a little bit of drama to keep things interesting. :-)

So anyway, it was nice to see my friend and get to know her family even better. I really enjoyed talking with her grandma especially since I only have one living grandma left (she's on my dad's side) and her memory is slowly losing the battle to dementia. I don't know if my grandma remembers me when I visit. She acts like she knows Caleb sometimes, but she definitely has no idea who Sonya is from one minute to the next after we tell her. It's tough. Even though my grandma is alive and well, I still miss her old self -- the one that knew our entire family tree and had all the latest gossip from town. She never complained about anything. I've always admired her. Now, when we get together, the only thing we can really do is play cards because it makes us all feel like she's still there. It's so easy to pretend like everything is normal (well... other than the moments when grandma "forgets" whose turn it is... but even that could happen before). 

Well, I guess I don't know what to write next. I've been kind of feeling cooped up in the house even though I was just gone for the weekend with Tim. It's been a bit of an adjustment having Caleb at school. I have a lot more time to myself in the afternoon since Sonya naps. I procrastinate though. My house could be sparkling clean -- dishes done, laundry all folded, toys picked up... but I do the bare minimum because I'd rather watch something on hulu or read a book or bake a pie! As my mom would say, my house looks "lived in." She hated that her mom had a pristine house and all of her dolls displayed in a glass case that no one could touch. So I don't mind that my house isn't perfect. I'd prefer it to have a few things out of place. Although it probably drives Tim nuts to think I wasn't being productive all day. That brings me to another thought. I feel like I could be doing more with myself. I could try to take an online Spanish class or adopt a grandparent at the nursing home. If only I wouldn't give up on myself before I start. 

Did you know that I'm a worrier? Yes, as in one who worries. I try my best to give it all to God, but sometimes Satan creeps in and gets the best of my mind. I worried a TON about my weekend away before it even started. What should I pack? What should I wear for the rehearsal? How should I do my hair? Which shoes do I need? Did I remember my toothbrush? How cold is it going to be? I made a list of what needed to be done so at least it wasn't all floating around in my head, but it didn't help much. My mom had never really watched both kids overnight before -- let alone two nights in a row. It was Sonya's second overnight without mommy and daddy. So I wanted to make sure they had enough food and that their overnight bags were packed for when they decided to drive over to grandma and grandpa's since Caleb still had school. Despite all my worrying, I only forgot a pair of jeans. I just wore my black pants so it wasn't the end of the world. Sonya survived with a little less sleep than she's used to, but it all ended well. I wish I didn't worry myself so much. It's like having a huge weight sitting in my stomach like a lump of lead. I almost need to be told what to do because I can't think for myself. Tim tried being helpful when I asked his opinion on stuff, but he's not a woman and basically said I looked good in anything I showed him. haha... men! or should I say husbands!

This is getting long. I guess I had more to write about than I thought. Once I get going, it's harder to stop. So I bid you all adieu for now and will be back soon with more thoughts from Michelle. :-)

Teaching Sunday School

For some reason, the Lord put it on Tim and my hearts to teach Sunday School for the 4th-6th grade again. Last year we were just fill-ins and now we're "in charge." It's going to be a challenge, that's for sure. But... the blessings will be that much greater! I can't wait to develop relationships with these kids and watch them grow in their faith. Today was good. We talked about worshiping God and how all of humanity is called to worship Him. Our passage was in Romans 1 where Paul is saying how he's not ashamed of the gospel because it proclaims how we can be SAVED! He addresses the Romans telling them that in all things, we can see God, yet the foolish will worship the beautiful things He has made while the wise will worship their Creator. It's an awesome message. I was even able to share my testimony. The kids actually sat quiet and listened without interruption. I was surprised to capture their attention so well. haha...

(Oh, and Tim used an analogy about a really great sandwich that unfortunately has a few specks of mold on one of the pieces of bread. If we had a choice to eat the sandwich as is, we'd probably toss it. Otherwise, the other option is to cut out that tiny little chuck of bread and enjoy our sandwich anyway. It's just like God sent Jesus down for us to wipe away our sin or remove that bit of mold from our lives so that we can still be a part of God's life without being thrown in the trash. Hope that makes sense. I thought it was kind of clever. Tim is so good at coming up with weird stuff like that... lol. I'm so glad we work together!) -- UPDATE: Ok, I lied... well, not really. I thought Tim came up with it all on his own only to find out he found it on google. *sigh* so disappointing...lol

Throughout this year, I'd really like to teach the kids to dig into the Bible and try to understand it on their own. Obviously, Tim and I will be there to help move things along. But, I just want to develop in them a sense of wonder and awe of God's Word. I want them to grow and learn more about why they believe the things they do. I want to prepare them for the world that is filled with hypocrisy and judgement. I want them to be able to defend their faith if they're ever in a situation where someone is trying to convince them that they're wrong. I want to see a strong, solid foundation that they and others can continue to build off of. They're our future! God has so many wonderful things in store for them. I'm hoping they will practice their faith in their daily lives and share it openly without being ashamed of the Good News.

I might be setting high goals for myself, but I know that through prayer and the help of God, we can mold these young minds into an army for the Lord. I just pray that I can stay strong and not get discouraged. There will be times when the kids won't listen or just won't understand. I pray that God will speak through Tim and I and guide our words and actions. I pray that I'm more diligent in my daily reading and that I can do better to be an example not only for my students, but for other adults and my own children. God is so good and I just want to be on FIRE for Him and just have His light shine down.

Lord, help me to share my excitement and enthusiasm with these kids. Let me be a beacon of your love. Give me patience beyond what I need. Help me to show them what it is to be a child of God. Thank you so much for this opportunity to work with this age group. It is going to be a great way to grow closer to You and to just continue growing in my own walk with You.

Your loving daughter,
Michelle

Should I try this?

I'm in a wedding next weekend and am trying to figure out how I want to have my hair done. For some reason, I've been thinking of a side bun updo. Do you think I can pull it off?

With this dress...

She's so vain

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and am just not happy with what I see. My face is breaking out again, the red blotches dotted on my arms and legs linger like angry mosquito bites, there are dark circles under my eyes, and the list could go on. Why is it that we, as women, have to be so critical of ourselves? Despite how I look, my husband is always supportive and tries to reassure me that I'm indeed beautiful. Does he see something that I don't?

I think part of the problem is that we're constantly comparing ourselves to each other -- clothes that we wear, lifestyles we lead, cars and houses, significant others, the behavior of our kids, our spirituality, our cooking ability, etc. Where does it end? We always want just a little bit more. Yet, then we go through seasons of complete contentment before the cycle starts all over again.

I'm guilty and a little embarrassed by the fact that sometimes I don't feel "good enough." Maybe it's my problem of perfectionism. I want to be the best at everything. I try so hard not to act vain, but sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror, I think to myself that maybe I am vain in a sense. Maybe we all are....

When I spend a little extra time to put on some make-up, put on a nice outfit, and actually have time to do my hair, I feel pretty. And I feel confident in a pair of hoop earrings and some heels. Is it so wrong to actually feel beautiful sometimes? It's one thing to be told that we're cute, or "hot", or beautiful, but it's another to actually feel like we are. I want to go out on a limb and predict that all women feel like this periodically. I just don't want my kids growing up thinking that their appearance means everything in the world to their friends and family. It doesn't at all. I pray that I can be more comfortable in my own skin without feeling like I need to look or act like someone else -- I just need to be me again.

Running - A chore or a pleasure?

I didn't think to add running to my list, but it's been something that I've been wanting to do more often. When I first ran earlier in the summer, I was only able to make it 3/4 of a mile and I was completely spent. I don't know if my breathing was off or what, but I didn't have the same sort of satisfaction that I had last night.

Since the weather was absolutely perfect -- nice and cool, I felt motivated to take a run. So I changed into some running clothes and got my shoes on before I changed my mind. If I'm in running mode, I just have to go otherwise I'll procrastinate and never get around to doing it. Well, I did a few warm-up stretches -- lunges, the grapevine, high knees, etc... then did a brisk walk around the block. Then, I ran. My beginning pace was a little too fast. There was no way I'd be able to keep that up if I wanted to get up to a mile. Once I had my breathing figured out, the run was quite enjoyable. It was the first time in a while where my lungs didn't feel like they were burning and my side wasn't aching.

I just kept winding around the streets near our house, not sure how far I'd make it and didn't want to be too far from home if for some reason I had to just walk back. I started at the corner of W. Theis and Benjamin and went north on Benjamin until I hit Beutel. Then I proceeded to go west on Beutel all the way until Holden. I headed back towards TJ and just kept on going until Whitefish. Then I took a left onto Webster, a right on Monroe, and ran back up to Benjamin where I sprinted the last stretch on James back to the house. I felt good. It took me a little bit to catch my breath so I walked around a bit and did a cool down.

After I got inside, I immediately went to the computer to check how far I went. I was amazed that it was 1.5 miles and couldn't believe that I did it!! I was aiming to do just a little over a mile and surpassed my individual goal. When I left the house, it was around 8:15 -- I had walked past Lincoln on W. Theis as my warm-up, but then didn't check my watch to see what time it was when I actually started running. Then I got home around 8:33. I don't have a digital watch and didn't have my phone with me to use the stopwatch so I was guesstimating on the times (plus it was dark out). I'm thinking I averaged a 9 minute mile.

Considering I only ran one other time this summer and haven't run more than 1/2 a mile since college, I was very happy with myself. Even though I was the only one running, I felt like I won the race. :-) I realized that I'm capable of ANYTHING! I just have to go out there and do it.

Today, I'm a little sore. I could actually feel it last night already, but I'm not going to complain. It's the kind of soreness that just feels good. Now the question is: When will Michelle run next and how far will she go?

Bucket List....

I want to do everything. I have way too many interests. I figure if I type them all up while I'm thinking of them, that might help my ADD type thoughts from overwhelming me.

Keep up with my Spanish
Learn Italian
Take a dance class
Finish my sunflower painting
Become an ambassador for World Vision
Adopt a nursing home resident
Play a sport
Start a Bible Study
Teach kids how to create origami boxes
Bake more (for others)
Write encouraging notes for friends (and others)
Spend more time with the kids
Travel - to CO or FL
Read everything by Nicholas Sparks and Alexander McCall Smith

I was reading in the paper the other day about three girls that created a summer bucket list. I thought that'd be fun to do with friends. It was just stuff that they wanted to accomplish during the summer - some practical stuff along with some goofy things too! Maybe the list above could be my "bucket list." Although, I don't know what kind of deadline I should give myself. All of these things could easily be accomplished if I just put my mind to it.

Troubles sleeping

Last night, I woke up soon after falling asleep. The pain in my abdomen was intense. It had been throbbing most of the day and pain killers just barely touched the worst of it. Yes, I'm talking about my monthly friend. I don't know why we refer to it as a "friend" as it's far from that. It's not a welcoming visit that I look forward to other than to confirm that I'm not expecting baby #3 quite yet. I was content not getting my friend for almost two years while I was pregnant with and nursing my youngest child. Anyway, I couldn't sleep. No position felt comforting to me. So I got out of bed and made my way to the couch, pillow in hand, to watch "Under the Tuscan Sun." I laid awake while completely captured by this movie. I felt inspired by the love and romance in Italy.

Lately, I've been trying to find an appropriate, yet romantic theme for our bedroom. Now, I have thoughts of transforming it to have the atmosphere of a Tuscan villa out in the countryside. It'd be tough and probably expensive to do though. Maybe Tim and I could just travel there instead. I've always wanted to go to Europe so I could see the vineyards and taste the fresh cheeses and walk through the markets to watch people bustling by as they make their produce purchases for the day. Movies make those types of places so enchanting. I only hope that my imagination of what it would be like is a dull comparison to the reality of it all.

While I was trying to doze off to sleep again, I made a feeble attempt to romanticize Port Washington. Of course I did not have a pen or paper near me so I recited it all in my head. The words seem so distant, lost in the fog of my memory. The gentle breeze running past my face like a warm kiss upon my cheek. I step outside to breathe in the sweet, cool air. It smells like rain; the long, neglected blades of grass glisten in the pale moonlight. Everything that had seemed so important faded into the background as I remembered what it was like to be an innocent child once again. Colors so vibrant surrounded me -- the morning sky, a pale greyish-blue with shades of red and yellow, a bright, fiery orange dancing in the sky while the majestic clouds illuminate the sunrise even more.

Purple petals so deeply beautiful ...

Like I said, the words sounded better when I was daydreaming after the movie. I can't fully capture the words and images that I pictured in my mind.